Mom countdown - Day 12

I slept well last night and took my daily 7AM walk. For some reason, I felt like I could walk forever, so I took a little longer than usual, even breaking a sweat. It's such a relief to feel so strong and healthy and well, capable, like I'm returning more fully to myself than I even was before. I did a tune-in for Melissa, and saw that we shouldn't berate ourselves for feeling crabby or angry or upset, thinking that that means we aren't spiritual, because we've arrived in a new place where we experience ALL of our emotions. There's no more energetic separation between the "good" or "bad" feelings, when we simply allow ourselves to feel whatever we're feeling, and know that it's all good - we're still enlightened, even if we don't feel like it. We walked through a door, and nothing is the same. Man, I've sure felt like that lately, especially with Mom.

When I talk about her, or think about her, or tentatively push my feelers into my emotions to see how I'm feeling, I always feels strong, even if I start to cry. I just let myself feel whatever I'm feeling, and I admit I'm still working with that whole judgment thing. Apparently that's a very strong issue for me. Perfectionism, compulsiveness, impatience, as well. So I just breathe and let my energies settle back into me, right at this moment, sitting here wondering if I'll ever be able to get everything taken care of that needs taking care of, before Bill and I leave for the Cities tomorrow, then Bismarck until next Wednesday. Worry? Drop it. Sadness? Don't anticipate anything, just feel sad when you feel sad. Gladness? Yes, always. Gratefulness - forever I feel that, really I do. There's just so MUCH to be grateful for these days.

What I am Grateful For:

playing Guitar Hero on "cooperative" setting with Bill (on medium!)
being able to breathe deeply
my new sloppy jo recipe, and soft whole wheat buns
feeling the warm sun on my face
watering the "Mommy" bucket on our front patio
hearing Mom's voice on the phone
my green blouse from Anthropologie
feeling the wind blowing through the air
laughing with Melissa, comparing notes on our ascension "symptoms"
what I'm learning through my clients about our current life situations (it's still a time of upheaval, but things are starting to calm down, like mud settling on the bottom of the lake after the weeds have been pulled up - how are YOUR weeds? I had a lot, let me tell you ...)
being married to Steve - what a guy he is - sweet, funny, patient (he'd need to be), and always interesting, forgiving, loving - what more could a girl ask for?
Bill Bill Bill Bill

I'll try to keep writing every day, but will be on the road for a while. Exciting news: I've been asked to keynote down at Fair Hills Resort at a Wild Woman's Golf Weekend in September (PSYCH!!!!), as well as a trip down to the Cities in November to speak to a large group, and Brigid's House in October. I love everything about Brigid's House, absolutely everything, especially my pink magnetic peace sign that's on the back of my new Toyota Hybrid...

Mom countdown - Day 11

I don't know if it's another energy shift (that's part of it), or if it's the leftover tightness from my locked-up cervicals from the "Mom" incident, but my ears are both blocked up, and my right ear hurts inside it, like the bones are squishing together. It helped a little to go see Dr. Deb, my chiropractor, and it also helps to smile and breathe through it, just noticing without much judgment - it just is, just like everything else just is.

I had a short talk with Jodes right before my radio show yesterday, and she was commenting that she was having different experiences in her life right now, and she was wondering why that was, and if something would change for her, and I told her that I think we choose our paths, and we're both on our own different paths - one isn't right or wrong, better or worse - just different. I feel like right now I'm on a steep incline with slippery rocks. I've got to concentrate or I might lose my balance and fall and get hurt, so I'm careful with each step I take, to be mindful and conscious and as aware as possible. I don't want to zone out and slip up. There's too much at stake - the integration of all the levels of awarenesses that have been unfolding over the past year, probably past 20 years. A part of me is sitting here typing, and another part is looking over all parts of my life, and has the bigger picture. Sometimes I'm in ALL those different levels, and sometimes I float in between them, stopping at different places, just depending.

Right now I'm getting ready to head to Minneapolis on Wednesday, and am planning my fall classes and workshops around the country. That's exciting, anyway, to know that I'm able to spread my work around to greater audiences. I don't want to travel too much. I don't know how I'll feel after Mom dies - maybe I'll be split open into a beautiful place, and maybe I'll become quiet (wow - wouldn't that be something?) and need to retreat for a while, maybe I'll be angry, maybe I won't. I can't judge - that's a turn in the road and there's no amount of psychic powers that can foresee that future. I only know that today Mom is alive, and home, and I'm making sloppy joes to bring to her, and gingersnaps for Dad, and for now, that's more than enough planning for me.

I've retired my candle project, as I've come to the conclusion that it IS real, and is there for me any time I might need it - sort of like a "clap on" light, right? "Candle on, candle off."

Mom countdown - Day 10

It was a beautiful day of walking and reading and playing bocce ball with Bill in the backyard. Then it hit, out of nowhere - the crabbies. But it wasn't just normal crabbies, no, these were the all-inclusive, all-consuming crabbies that poison everything and color my world icky shades of gray and black, greasy smoke vision everywhere. I felt trapped, stifled, stagnant, suffocating and drowning in my life. I want to travel, move, go, feel alive. Our last family trip was in July of 1999, 8 years ago if my math is correct. If we've only got so long to live, we've just wasted a huge percentage of it, maybe 10% of our whole life, and I just want to get in my car and drive somewhere - to Banff, South Dakota, Colorado to see Thich Naht Hanh, California to Mount Shasta, Sedona Arizona, Boston for clam chowder. I blamed Steve, but I know it's inside of me, this restlessness, but then it didn't stop there. Steve was incredible, just sitting there, reaching out to hold my hand and listen, without trying to make anything better - he couldn't, anyway. He knows just to sit while I talk loudly and cry and wait for the emotional storm to pass. God, I'm fortunate to have that man in my life.

It leaked over into my work, and that's dangerous territory. I started questioning my work, thinking about my future, what I want to do (or should be doing), and I had a not-so-fleeting thought of giving it all up to go make coffee at Luna. What's it all for? Am I doing enough good in the world? Helping enough people? Doing what I'm supposed to be doing? Should I be writing a book? Teaching more classes? Workshops? Public readings and channels? Traveling? Looking for help? I'm doing it all alone, and I sometimes feel tired and lonely. This feeling of frustration can be so all-pervasive, when I finally came up for air I started laughing and thought to myself, "I bet Melissa is feeling the same way." I'll have to ask her tomorrow when she gets back from the lake. That may put it into more perspective, but it doesn't lessen the load when I'm actually in the middle of it. Pema Chodron says to just stay - the spiritual warrior stays for just one minute longer than she wants to run away, so I focus my eyes and just stay. I'm disciplined - a 3 time All-American doesn't get to be that way without being disciplined. That's what I always say to Steve, but the word is interchangeable - it could be "disciplined," or "tenacious" or "stubborn" or "dedicated," but whatever it is, perhaps I can call on it to pull myself up and keep going, even when all I want to do right now is wipe it all clean and start completely over. It's just too much. I feel like I'm spinning 20 plates, and I'm tired of concentrating on keeping all of them going. I think this all might have something to do with my mom dying, but I'm not 10,000% sure, just 9864% sure - there's wiggle room.

candle update: I couldn't even LIGHT the cinnamon and clove candle last night - the wick has solidified into a steel rod, and there's still an inch of wax left. Then I thought maybe it was a defective wick all along that caused the candle to go out, and I got embarrassed. Was there a logical explanation for it all? Was it just my wishful imagination? (hey, it's happened before) So I pulled out my soy candle and lit it instead. I opened my eyes an hour later and ... it was out.

Mom countdown - Day 9

I'm not so tired today, and went for a LONG walk this morning. I looked up at the sky, because that's what I love to do, and I remembered a cloud formation that Bill and I saw yesterday. We both looked up at the same time and gasped. "It looks like a phoenix," Bill said. Yes, it did. Exactly. It had a head with a beak, and a body with legs, even, and those beautiful angel-like wing clouds emanating boldly out behind it. Sort of like a turkey/angel, maybe, but we both noticed it, and we think it was there just for us, as a reminder that there's mystery and magic in the world, even when our heads get bowed with our earthly struggles.

I slept, I slept, I'm so happy. I don't have to go to Bismarck until Friday evening, so that lets me see my clients I have scheduled, PLUS drive down to Minneapolis Wednesday to hear Kari's research paper that she's presenting. I'll stay in Bismarck as long as possible, only to return to Fargo in time to get the backyard ready for our huge Goddess birthday party blow-out. We're expecting 100 goddesses, and are on good track for it. I just want to celebrate with friends, you know? I just want to have some time to remember why we wanted to be incarnate in the first place. Why WOULD we want to come here, in the midst of this density and forgetfulness? I think so we can remember that we ARE light beings, and so we can remember who we are. Sometimes I get really long stretches of that knowingness, and part of this last week feels almost like an intense training, where you just CAN'T come up for air until you've learned what you've needed to learn.

I finished Rasha's book "Oneness," and it was incredible. It's REALLY a dense read, and it took me a whole YEAR to finish it, but was well worth it. One of the last points she made that sticks out with me is this: she says you get to a point in your awareness that even while you're making choices that you KNOW aren't in your highest good, you're still able to witness yourself making those choices, but you're unable to play innocent anymore - you KNOW you're only deceiving yourself, because you KNOW better. I think of an example recently of being angry at my stepson for waking me up in the middle of the night, so that morning, around 10AM, I purposefully dropped a pan on the floor. Even as I thought about doing it, I thought, "I know I'm doing this, and that I don't really want to do it," then I went ahead and did it anyway. Does that make me a bad person? No, but it kind of sucks that now I apparently KNOW better, so it doesn't make being unconscious that much fun anymore. I can't fake it, but that's good - it takes me to a whole new level of awareness, and I can make new choices every step of the way.

So I sit, and I think, and I wonder when Mom's going to die, then I remember that they're RELEASING her from the hospital to go home later today. What is this madness? How can it be? But they are, and she's stabilized enough, so I wonder, will she die at home now? How soon? Will it be after my birthday on the 18th? Mom's mom died right after Mom turned 48, April 1, 1970. I was 9 1/2, 2 years older than Bill is now. If she dies soon, I'll be exactly one year younger than SHE was when HER mom died. I asked her if that was hard for her, and told her that I don't remember her grieving very much. She said she would go into our pool room and cry at night. I didn't say anything for a while after Granny died. My family was a little concerned about me. I only remember looking at our dog, Duke, lying on the floor, and finally saying, "Look at him just lying there. I want to kick him." So, here's to healthy grieving, pre- and post-, and here's to letting sleeping dogs lie. I don't know how I WILL feel - I only know how I feel today, and that is a lot better than I felt yesterday. I feel stronger, clearer, more settled, but still a little concerned about my intense desire to buy sleepwear and pillows...

Mom countdown - Day 8

It was exactly one week ago that Dad called me on my cell phone. Exactly one week ago to this minute that Missy Pooh arrived at my door (I call her Missy Pooh, but ironically she hates to be called Missy, but lets me call her that), and we headed off to Park Rapids. What a great trip down there. We talked about clothes, boys, Reiki, questionable childhood choices. We laughed, we cried, we drank purified water.

If you don't have a Missy Pooh in your life, you should. I met her almost 4 years ago (I think? It seems like I've always known her), through Lady Wellness. We didn't even know each other, and yet we started joking around like we were old friends. We said inappropriate (though really funny) things, and didn't care who heard us. I tend to be reserved about who I let in to my inner core - there are only a few people in there, but Missy sprinted right to the center, and hasn't budged off since. How did she do it? I have no idea, but she's my friend, one of my best friends, and I can tell her anything. Even my mom loves her, because she tuned in and saw a guide for my mom. The amazing thing is that my mom KNEW about that guide, so it brought her great comfort. When I'm talking on the phone in the hospital room, Mom asks if it's Melissa. 9 times out of 10 it IS Melissa. She helped me through my crash and subsequent amazing transformation throughout last fall and winter. She had the spiritual eyes to help guide me up the rocky terrain to the summit. It was intense, and important, and Missy never wavered, she never gave up, her clear vision gave me hope.

So, it was only appropriate that Melissa be with me in the car when Dad's call came in. I cried while he talked. She could hear him, and knew something was wrong. We didn't talk too much the rest of the way back to Fargo, and when we did, it was in hushed tones, which is usually NOT how we talk to each other.

How is Mom today? Her hemoglobin is a little down, but miraculously she's one of the few who respond well to this medication that regulates heart rhythmn. The chiropractor said one of my ribs was pulled out, my right hip join was locked up, as well as my upper cervicals. Ouch. I can't sit in that hospital chair anymore, but I'm going back to Bismarck on Sunday to relieve my two sisters who stayed. I don't know what to do. Steve thought we might get a camping cot and set it up on the floor so it won't be so crunchy. Dad's hired three nurses to stay the nights, and that's what I PRAY will happen, so we can all just stay at the house and get some sleep.

Last night my stepson got up at 3AM and banged around. I got back to sleep at 4AM. At 5AM, the neighbor's dog started whining and that was the end of my sleep, only 6 hours in all. I'm trying not to get angry, but I feel like screaming at those who are disturbing my sleep to please be considerate, but everybody is living in their own little worlds, and if they want to bang around at 3AM, well, that's what they do, and if they want to bark at 5AM, well, they bark. I understand all of that, but I feel like I'm in this surreal world, not quite here, and I feel all alone, like no one really understands. I want to be with my mom, I'm sad to be with my mom, knowing it's almost over. I'm crying over every little thing, and I'm tired. So tired. But I wouldn't trade this time for any other time, because it feels like something's growing; maybe it's me, I don't know. But it feels like a line has been dropped down my center, and it keeps going deeper and deeper, and I'm waiting for it to reach the bottom of me, but it never does - it just keeps going. And it's amazing to watch it dropping. And I wonder if it will ever reach the bottom, and I wonder what that means if it does. And I wonder why I wonder about it at all, because it just IS.

Mom countdown - Day 7

I slept for 9 1/2 hours last night, but feel tired again today. Yesterday afternoon around 2:30 I curled up in my new brightly colored fuzzy blanket from Bed, Bath and Beyond and lay down on the floor. I closed my eyes, but I don't know if I slept. After that, it was hard to move around or get motivated. The only thing I wanted to do was go back to Bed, Bath and Beyond and buy 3 more fuzzy blankets. That worries me - my newfound obsession with soft, cuddly, comforting things, but they were on sale, so it only cost $45 for all three of them. But that's not the point. I crave them, I want them, I NEED them, and I wonder what's next - where is this need coming from? The need to be comforted, to feel safe, to just go away for a while underneath the softness?

I wonder if I'm mildly depressed, suffering post-traumatic stress syndrome, just tired, or some of all three? I'm trying to journal every day, but the words fall flat on the page. Writing in here helps a lot more. Reading "The Wild Trees" helps, because it totally takes me away to another world of redwoods - god bless Robert Preston. Bill is being dear, staying close, putting his arm around me. He wrote me a letter yesterday and put it in a homemade envelope. It said, "Dear Mom - thank you for giving me a great childhood. But now I'm grown up so I can get stuff by myself. I love you." I don't know quite what that means, but maybe he's feeling like I need a little break from such complete care of him. It must be hard for him to have me gone in Bismarck so much, but I don't know what else to do.

I went through Mom's pictures this morning and pulled out 24 to use for the funeral collage. She is so beautiful, with her curly black hair and bright white smile, her slim long legs and arms, her beautiful clothes. I haven't found the picture for her obituary yet, but I'll keep looking for the perfect one.

My whole right side hurts, and it's hard to breathe, so I'm wondering if I've pulled a rib - I go to the chiropractor later this morning. I'm too tired to walk a long way, and it's been too hot anyway.

As I fell asleep last night, I lit THEE candle, rolled over, and when I rolled back, it was out. I think I'll put it in a different place tonight and try it again, or light two and see if they BOTH go out. It's not like I'm testing, I'm just interested in examining the full realm of what's possible. Steve admits it's a little mysterious, but I'm still thinking it's just uber-cool. Maybe I can ask for some other signs that are a little more practical, like asking that the laundry be finished and folded by morning, or that the refrigerator be filled with food by morning, or the garage be cleaned out? Hmmm...

I'm slated to go back to Bismarck on Sunday, but I'll have to see how my back feels. Nancy and Peggy are still pulling all-nighters at the hospital, but I know I can't do that anymore. I've hit the wall. I know they have, as well. We are still looking for a miracle, and looking for help.

Mom Countdown - Day 7

We drove home yesterday. They want to release Mom on Friday, but she can't go home. It was so good to be in my home, with Bill and Steve. Bill leaned in next to me and whispered, "I missed you SO much." I put my forehead on his forehead and we just sat there for a while. I'm scheduled to go back there Sunday noon to take over my shift, but we don't know for sure what's going to happen. How do I feel? Oddly peaceful and calm. My heart isn't skipping beats anymore, and my head doesn't pound. I can eat, and I took a three hour nap yesterday. I'm up to averaging 6 hours of sleep a night, 3 below my usual 9 hours a night. I hope Dad's sleeping a little bit.

Bill and I figured out that he's 2849 days old, as of today, not taking into account any leap years that add an extra day. Mom is 10.9 times older than Bill, having lived 31,162 days old as of today, not taking into account leap years - I guess that would add around 12 days to her total number, at the most. Bill thought he was a million days old, and I admit I was surprised when I figured out that at 85, Mom had only lived a little over 31,000 days. Doesn't that seem pretty short? In the big scheme of things, we humans don't really live that many days, so if you totally veg out for even one day, you're wasting approximately .003% of your life, and that's nothing to sneeze at. It's still significant, don't you think?

Today I am going through Mom's pictures, and picking out one for her obituary, as well as a series of photos to take over to Ritz to get duplicates made for a photo collage to put up at the funeral. I still need to buy some tagboard and spray adhesive. My sisters said I'm really good at this, and I wonder what makes them say that. I've never done anything like this before - nobody close to me has died. But I'm happy to do it - it gives me a purpose. I have work to catch up on, and the huge goddess party to plan (there's over 50 goddesses coming so far), but I just want to stay home and do the dishes, read "The Wild Trees" and make potato salad. Oh, and nap. But knowing me, I'll get everything done (and more) by the time I need to head west again.

P.S. Last night as I was falling asleep, I asked my Guys for comfort. I asked them to let me know they were with me, to let me feel them. I lit my candle and closed my eyes. 10 minutes later I opened them and ... the candle was out. I'm not alone.

Mom

I'm here in Bismarck. We got the call while en route back from Park Rapids with Melissa, after a fabulous day of massage and shamanic work at Brigid's House. Dad said it was Mom's heart, so I dropped Melissa off, and took off for Bismarck. I stayed with Mom Friday evening, but we almost lost her. At 3AM I called Dad back to the hospital, because we thought she was leaving us. Dad and I sat on the edge of the bed and we all held hands and talked quietly.

It doesn't look good for sweet Mom. When she has had enough, she will die quietly. We don't know when, but we are all tired. All of us sisters are here, but some are traveling home for a while to connect with family. Steve, Bill and Erik are coming down in a few hours; I miss them so much. Although it was an intense time, it is also aching beautiful, to see Mom saying good-bye to everyone, being able to give her back rubs and foot rubs, to joke with the nurses, to go shopping with my sisters and nieces at Target, to go out to dinner and just look at each other.

Life is so precious, and so tenuous, and so fragile, yet we are all here for now, and we hug and hold and laugh, and that is really all there is. LOVE is the connector, the thread, weaving through all of our hearts, even if we only meet briefly. I love my mom, and I can't ever imagine being able to live without her. I can't imagine not being able to call her every day just to hear her sweet voice, just to say, "Hello Mommy." But it's all good, and I know where she's going, and I know she'll always be with us.

the candle saga continues

I lit the infamous clove and cinnamon candle again last night, and woke up at midnight. Would it be lit? It was two nights ago, but we don't know if that's because I also had the night light on. It's all an experiment. So I opened my eyes, looked over, and ... it was still lit. What does it mean? I don't know - I'll try it again one more night tonight, and if it remains lit, then my 8 nights of the mysteriously blown out candle story will come to a close. Perhaps it means that I'm not alone, and that I'm always protected, especially at night when I feel energetically vulnerable. Maybe it doesn't mean anything - we assign our own meanings to our life events, I think, but I really think it does mean something. Candles don't mysteriously blow themselves out for 8 nights in a row - they just don't.

I was sitting at Salon Why today getting my hair cut, and Christy squealed as a row of bright balloons drifted in front of the window. She ran to the window to look out. When I looked out, I saw the faint white outline of the sliver moon in the upper right corner of the window. Fingernail moons are my favorite kind - the ones that are almost just a thin line - it's like magic to me somehow. So it meant something that I saw that moon in midday, but I don't exactly know what it means yet. I have yet to assign its meaning. I think it means that that beauty is always available for me to enjoy, even in the middle of the day. I don't have to wait for night. I don't have to wait for something I want? Now THAT'S a cool idea. So then I sit here and ask myself, "what do I want?" and I don't exactly know. I walk that fine line between manifesting direction in my life, and letting it unfold for my Highest Good without trying to force anything that's not good for me. How do I know what's in my best interests? So I think about manifesting abundance, harmony in my family, peace, doing my best work, and I think that's good for now. I still kind of want a lake place, but that fantasy is fast being replaced by a desire for a mountain retreat in Missoula.

My last ascension process installment tomorrow ...

the long and winding road

I heard it at Peggy's cabin on the 4th of July. For some reason, it really struck me and I started crying. Sister nancy really sweetly just held me while I cried. I thought it was because I had to leave them all and go home, and we had bonded so sweetly, but then a few days later I saw a magazine ad for a car, and the headline was "The Long and Winding Road," and it caught my eye, so I think there's a message there for me. I don't remember the words, so I looked them up on lyrics.com. Here they are:


The long and winding road
that leads to your door
will never disappear
I've seen that road before
It always leads me here
Lead me to you door

The wild and windy night
that the rain washed away
Has left a pool of tears
crying for the day
Why leave me standing here
let me know the way

Many times I've been alone
and many times I've cried
Any way you'll never know
the many ways I've tried

But still they lead me back
to the long winding road
You left me standing here
a long long time ago
Don't leave me waiting here
lead me to your door

But still they lead me back
to the long winding road
You left me standing here
a long long time ago
Don't leave me waiting here
lead me to your door
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah


So then I ask, "What's the message for me?" and it feels like Spirit, and how I'm in the process of finding my way "home." "Don't leave me waiting here lead me to your door." Wow - as we walk through the door of transformation into the New, I'm forever humbled and awed by the clues and messages that are all around us, just waiting for us to notice and acknowledge them. Does everything mean something? I think so, even if we don't always KNOW what it means to us. Everything just IS, when we're in the center of our lives, looking out at the rest of the world. And has my life been a long and winding road? Most definitely. Most definitely.

6:11AM this morning

I didn't set my alarm, just my internal one. I opened my eyes for the last time at 6:11 and started taking deep breaths. I opened myself up and imagined that a beautiful gold light was flowing through me from above and down deep into the earth, for her healing. It wasn't a new feeling, but I forget from time to time that I can do this anytime I want. As I kept breathing and remaining consciously open, I must've fallen back asleep. Okay, it would've helped if I had actually SAT UP in bed, but you know, I can meditate on my side. But I don't know if I WAS asleep, because all of a sudden I was under some kind of branches with a lot of beautiful green leaves. I was wearing like a headdress that expanded far above me, then the branches of it swept down and all around me, like I was standing under a willow tree. I was kissing my beloved (hubby Steve) and we were so happy. The energy that flowed between us was undescribable, but I liked it, so we kept kissing.

Then I "woke up" and felt as if my whole body had melted and I was just floating there in bed. I saw flowers everywhere - all different colors and sizes and aromas. I wanted to stay there. I smiled. Then I must've fallen asleep again, but this time I was underneath the ground, but it wasn't scary. I was deep in the earth, and could smell that dirt smell like when you dig your hands into the moist soil. Even as I breathe right now I can smell it again. I "swam" around in the earth, not limited, not actually IN a physical body, but enjoying everything I was seeing. It wasn't actually "things" I was seeing, but more of the energies of the history of the earth, the energies of the events that had happened at each level of the earth's crust and layers. Again, hard to describe. I "woke up" spitting earth out of my mouth. Okay, that's a little strange, but again, when I was there it all felt really cool. I've had similar feelings when I've done shamanic work on my own and with Jeanne Troge. It's an EARTH energy that I was experiencing, and it's usually new to me because I'm usually hanging out with super amounts of spiritual energy. But we need ALL of the different energies, in balance, in our bodies, I think, so maybe this experience showed me that it's really important for me to keep creating the opportunities to inhabit the physical world 100%.

So I wonder how many people participated in the 6:11AM healing for the Earth. I wonder if she felt it, the love pouring down to her, in thanks for all she does for us. She allows us to BE here, and I really think in my heart that the consciousness of the world is turning around to be more compassionate, respectful and loving toward the Earth. I sure felt a powerful punch this morning.

P.S. I asked for our lit candle to be blown out before 10:40PM last night, while I was still awake. It was hard to keep my eyes open, but I did, but the candle stayed lit. Why did I forget to blow it out at that point? I have no idea, but upon awakening, there wasn't even an indent in the middle to show that it had even been lit. The mystery continues ...

the history of the ascension - part 2

So we made it through the summer of 1987, we made it through January 1, 1990, we made it through 1990-95 and the adjustments required from those initial stages of preparation. Now comes 1995, and the time of the more frequent energy shifts. It started feeling like we were on a boat, and the ocean underneath us was getting wavier - up and down - up and down. For many, it was the time of first-ever conscious intuitive experiences, and the start of almost a fervent desire to connect with something beyond ourselves. Did you start taking a lot of workshops and classes, read a lot of books, talk to a lot of people about spirituality? How was your physical and mental health? This appeared to be the start of those changes. We start with the basic foundation at the beginning - what are the MAIN things that need to shift and adjust in our lives? When that all settled, around the summer of 1995, the next stage started - going deeper. When the energies started coming faster and more intensely, it started to affect our physical bodies. If we lived a "clean" life (what I call an overall healthy life; body, mind and spirit), that next transition was felt as relatively easy. But most of us weren't living a clean life.

I KNEW what a clean life was; I even wrote a one page paper that I handed out to clients and students. Looking back, it was perfect advice - I just didn't follow it too closely. My Guys told me in November of 2002, that if I gave up coffee and sugar, I'd have a spirit vision. I promptly DOUBLED my coffee and sugar intake. Why would I do that? Heaven only knows. What was the result? The start of some SERIOUS physical problems, in a body that had before been really healthy and strong. So, many of us had the guidance long beforehand to change unhealthy habits and help support our body into these new times, but most of us ignored it. The energies also started affecting our mental energies, as well. If the intention of the higher energies is to help integrate our inner and outer expressions, then it will show up in mental imbalances. We don't speak when we need to speak, we say things we don't mean, or not as strongly as we need to say them, we accept behavior from others that is simply unacceptable, we stay in unhealthy relationships or jobs - imbalance. But no longer - there's a push. I saw an increase in depression and anxiety in my office, I saw an increase in medicated drugs, and for a while, those helped (but more on THAT later).

People continued to leave our lives; we changed jobs, got divorces, got married, developed new health concerns, started seeing miracles. All of this from 1995-2002. It was intense, but still doable. The rest of the world seemed to go on as normal, and if we closed our eyes and imagined, we could almost assure ourselves that we may just be imagining all of these changes. If we DID talk to others about what we were noticing, most of them would just cock their heads to the side and ask, "What ARE you talking about?" and we could just laugh and say, "Nothing." But it kept getting more intense, and harder to ignore that there was something deeper and magical going on. Our dreams were becoming more vivid, and the line between waking and dreaming was becoming very blurred. Time seemed to stretch out and collapse, so that it didn't have the old hold anymore. We could start "playing" with the concepts of reality - what's possible, what's holding us back, what can we try? The world began looking "different" through our eyes - colors appeared more vivid, things felt more dimensional, deeper, somehow. We began just to KNOW things - about people, events, situations, the future, the past. We had experiences of vast expansiveness that defies human explanation. We began to feel connected, as if in a web, to others in human form AND out of human form. We began to feel our angels, our guides, our Higher Selves, God, and we felt such relief, like we were finally Home.

So, now we've walked through the ascension process from June of 1987-2002, but it still hasn't affected us THAT much. We're able to go about our days feeling almost "normal." But the time was quickly coming when we couldn't ignore the changes anymore, the years from 2002-right now, but that's for another day.

P.S. I fell asleep again with the candle lit. I just loved the smell and glow, and couldn't stand to lose it too soon. I woke up at 4:30AM (it was a good night of deep sleep), and yup - the candle was out. I noticed that it hadn't burned down too much more than when I had lit it at 10PM, so whenever it's being blown out, it must be shortly after I'm falling asleep. I might ask that I get to WATCH it being blown out next time, but that might be a little strange, but cool, to see that there IS no veil between the seen and unseen anymore...

the history of the ascension - Part 1

From what I know, it all started back in 1987. That was a critical point for humankind, when we were on a course that would end badly for all of us, ala Nostradamus-like, 2012 end of the Mayan calendar and all that. But apparently there was enough light here, enough people who were becoming aware, that our path took a different route. Could it be possible to bring enlightenment TO the world? Could it be possible to start sending higher frequencies to the people in order to facilitate change in their bodies, in their lives, and in the world? Let's see. It has never been done before, or at least never successfully, so no one knew what it would look like. What apparently started happening was that several people started waking up around that time. That's personally the time that I noticed a different voice coming into my writings, when I started working with my Higher Self and my beloved Guys - the summer of 1987, the year of the Harmonic Convergence.

So the energetic pulses started, and people were affected in all sorts of different ways. In the beginning, many people ended harmful relationships and struck out on their own. Or they ended dead-end jobs and started fresh, new ones, usually unorthodox ones. Lawyers becoming gardeners, businesspeople becoming artists - call it the flip flop phenomenon. But usually deep down it was always within these people to do what they eventually did - it just took this extra energy push to really give them the strength to align with their heart's desires.

We made it through the rest of the 80's relatively unscathed, still making changes, but it was gentle - we were slowly tearing down the outer layers, and thinking about what we wanted our new lives to look like. Still not that much was required of us outside of these basic changes. January 1, 1990 heralded a HUGE energy shift, and I remember a lot of people almost going off the deep end. That's the first time I consciously remember thinking that there's something bigger going on here. At that point I was doing channeled writing and doing work for myself, but I hadn't moved out too publicly with my gifts.

The early 90's were mostly integrating these initial changes, and personally, this manifested for me in getting a divorce, starting a publishing business, and finding and marrying my sweet Steve. The tearing down of the old (the divorce), and the building of the structure of the new (my business and marriage). What were you doing in the summer of 1987? I was having my second child, and making plans to go back to work. I was writing and busy being a mommy with two kids under 19 months old. What were you doing on January 1, 1990? How about 1990-1995? What were we getting prepared for? How were we moving toward the next step? How about 1995 on? That's all in Part 2, tomorrow.

What I Think About 7.17.07

It's being called "Fire the Grid," and although I read a bit about it, I didn't read it all. From what I know, a woman and her son were under water a really long time, and presumed drowned. Beings of light saved them, and her son was on life support. The beings told her to tell everyone to come in and minister to him in any way possible - singing, chanting, praying, anything. He recovered. The beings told her, in essence, that if it's possible to save their lives, think of what else is possible, and set the date for global healing for this coming Tuesday, 7.17.07. Please forgive me if I've gotten the specific information wrong, but that's the gist of it.

A friend asked me if I'd gotten that same information about the date of 7.17.07, and I answered that my sources said that the start of this last energy shift was the summer solstice, with the climax being 7.7.07 (last Saturday), and it would then end somewhere around 7.17.07 - usually it's a monthlong process, two weeks before, the climax, then two weeks afterward. But what I really think is this: it's not so much that there are specific days that we should be praying or meditating, or whatever. I think for the most part we assign specialness to certain days - 7.7.07 is just poetic. What I DO think is uber-cool is that this date and time to pray for world healing (6:11AM our time, I'm remembering) is sweeping the world via the internet, so chances are there will be a good number of people focusing their beautiful healing energy on the world during that time, and I KNOW that's a good deal, no matter what. So, I'll be doing my hour long meditation/healing/praying next Tuesday, to join my energies into the masses of lightworkers working toward helping all of humankind through this show of unconditional love.

What I'm feeling right now is a subtle shift in my perceptions. What usually bothers me, or would normally cause a big upset, are STILL causing momentary irritation, but then a wiser part of me comes in and whispers, "is there something else you can be doing? Is there another action you can take? Are there other words you can use right now?" It feels that if we keep doing things in the same old ways, we'll keep getting the same, old responses. So when someone said something upsetting the other night, I started laughing. Admittedly, it made this person angry, but I saw that it wasn't REALLY meant to be a fight. They were just frustrated, and I happened to be standing in front of them. Someone else lied to me, and when I took a deep breath, I realized they are coming from a place of insecurity and lack, and I felt deep compassion for them instead. I can also realize that when I am angry at someone, or lie to them, then I'm exhibiting those same feelings that I'm recognizing in those others (probably). It's all a hall of mirrors - I'll help you see, then you help me see. Back and forth. On and on. My goal is to see clearly. I know I'm not perfect, but in my realizing my imperfections, I AM perfect, which means "whole." Not being whole means I'll only focus or admit to those qualities that I think are acceptable, and that's not being whole - that's not being all of me. That's not being "self-aware," as my smart friend Chris says.

Is it my job to tell you that you're not being self-aware? Heck no. I don't think anyone CAN "tell" anyone anything. We can only live our lives and act as an inspiration if others choose to see us that way. Otherwise it's an exercise in futility. So, yes, there are some things that are bugging me, but it's interesting, as one situation just keeps dragging on, it's giving me a chance to REALLY let it go. Something new comes up, and a sweet voice keeps whispering, "just let it go. Let it go again." Gosh, I've had SO many chances to keep letting it go, it's going to be one MONSTER of a release when it finally lifts.

So onward and upward - to 7.17. and beyond, as the veils keep lifting, and the mirrors keep getting clearer. Who am I, or more importantly, how am I? That's what I'm wondering these days, and I'm discovering that I just AM. No plans. No worries. No fears. Okay, I'm still working on that last one.

56 Ascension Energy "Symptoms"

With the ascension process shifts cycling through so fast, they can create some anxiety and tension in our lives. I've been asked countless times about various "symptoms," so I've assembled some of them here. As always, I encourage people to go get checked out by a licensed practitioner if you have concerns. I've gone several times, spent thousands of dollars, and come back 100% healthy 100% of the time. But at least I got peace of mind each time to continue bravely forward. If you get the all-clear from your health practitioner, then you might want to check your attitude toward your body and this process. Are you trusting your body to do what it needs to do to get through this time of adjustment? Are you living a "clean" lifestyle? That is, a lifestyle in which you get enough rest, strive for minimal stress, lighten your responsibilities, eat well, exercise, have some fun? If not, this process will probably be more difficult for you, and you may find yourself manifesting actual physical symptoms that may need to be addressed differently than the symptoms that manifest symbolically in our bodies.

We still FEEL the symptoms in our bodies, but they won't show up on any tests or scans because they are manifesting on several different levels, most of them on higher levels than our physical bodies. That's because our physical bodies are making the leap into higher frequencies so they can hold the higher frequencies to allow us to experience 100% soul consciousness in our physical bodies, which is the goal of this ascension process. It's never been done before in the history of humankind, although several beings have been able to come in like that (does Jesus come to mind?). Now it's here for all of us - it's time. We've been living with so many illusions and restrictions for so many generations. So ... here are some of the symptoms. Happy enlightenment...

1. headache in band around head
2. heat felt on top of head
3. bumps all over head
4. bumps behind your ears
5. TMJ symptoms
6. fullness in ears
7. sore neck (in the C2-C3 area)
8. sore shoulders across back
9. sore muscles leading up into neck
10. painful behind left shoulder blade
11. sore on left side to side of breast
12. sore on both armpits
13. sternum pressure (like someone’s pushing down on it)
14. joint pain
15. wrist soreness
16. wrists get hot, then veins on top and bottom of hand stick out, along with on top of feet
17. hips sore and feel uneven
18. sore knees
19. cracking ankles
20. sore on tops of feet
21. sore on balls of feet, like there’s a bump there
22. throat closing up
23. needing to clear your throat continuously
24. blurry vision
25. dizziness
26. anxiety
27. insomnia
28. vivid dreams
29. increased intuition
30. increased synchronicities
31. increased feelings of bliss and unity
32. traveling electrical tingling
33. swollen face
34. swollen hands
35. swollen feet
36. cold hands
37. cold feet
38. cold hands AND feet at the same time, or alternating between all 4
39. nausea
40. constipation
41. diarrhea
42. lower back pain
43. kidneys aching
44. liver hurts
45. body stiff all over
46. foggy thinking
47. chills
48. hot flashes (an energy symptom unless you’re also menopausal)
49. loss of appetite
50. increased appetite
51. prescription meds stop working or even make you feel ill
52. food sensitivities and allergies develop
53. restlessness, agitation, unexplained anger
54. fatigue
55. heart palpitations/irregular/racing (check hormone levels if concerned, or visit a cardiologist)
56. hard to breathe – lungs feel “hot”

I started with 50 around 6 months ago as people were asking for a list. At that time I had experienced 49 of the 50. Now the list is extended to 56, and to date I've felt 55 of the 56 (I've never had a swollen face). What does that mean? I think it means that this is a powerful process, and one that goes beyond what we are used to. It calls for a HUGE amount of trust (trust me - I've had my share of freak-outs over these symptoms) that all is well. One way you can tell is that the symptoms never stay in one place for very long. They travel. You can have the headache for two days, then your hips are sore, then your stomach hurts. It's not just one symptom that stays for a long time, so that you think there really COULD be something wrong. If it keeps changing and shifting, how can it be "real?" But again - I always encourage people to go get checked out if they're scared. Several people have had kidney and liver scans, because those are scary symptoms. To date, none of the people have had anything "wrong," and most of them would've sworn they had kidney stones or liver problems.

If you have any more symptoms, please e-mail me and let me know. What fun this is - we just made it through this last intense shift, and theoretically are in a really good place of awareness and unity right now. I'm feeling it with deep sleep, unexplained happiness and peace, a feeling of deep release, a connection with everything, a deeper level of understanding of what's going on. Exciting, exhilarating, and exhausting.

jesus camp

I'd heard about it, mostly horrified accounts, but I'd never seen it. At first I didn't WANT to see it - sort of like "Passion" - I'd heard about it, but didn't want to see it (I still haven't seen it), but I was at the video store the other day and saw it sitting there. How can we have an educated opinion about something unless we actually experience it for ourselves? Then we're just like everyone else who frustrates us - those people who judge us based on what others have said, or based on what they've read. So I rented it.

And it sat here for almost a week. I needed to bring it back, so I took a deep breath and decided to watch. The first interesting thing to note was that before the documentary started, I felt great - really great. I had to pause to pick Bill up from art camp, and noticed that I felt really crappy, like I was getting sick. My head hurt, my stomach was really upset, and my body ached. I wondered how I could get sick so fast, then noticed that the longer I was away from the viewing, the better I felt. I noted that maybe it was the energy of the documentary itself that was causing a physical reaction in my body. Even that awareness seemed to help the "illness" lift from my body. So I went back to watch more. I had to pause 4 times to do other things, so didn't get it all in one punch. I was very interested in my opinions all along the way, and here are some of them.

The main youth pastor, Becky, was a very large woman whose first words to the children were, "We're not like those fat people..." and I'm thinking "Hmmmm - have you looked in a mirror lately?" Why did she choose those particular words? Fat people? Maybe she meant something else other than the physical. She spoke about how "usable" kids were because they were so impressionable, and that's what they're doing over in those "other" countries with Islam - at age 5 they're putting hand grenades into their hands. She also speaks of going to war for Jesus. That felt a little like the Crusades, and all the other years and situations of people killing in the name of Jesus, and that's not my experience of what Jesus's message was - in my world, his one word message was ... LOVE.

One of the things that WAS upsetting was the "lessons" one mother was giving her home-schooled son. It was all about Creationism, and how that's the only thing that makes sense, and how science isn't based on anything that's a fact, and did we really think we came from a pile of goo? That doesn't even make sense. No, the world was created 6000 years ago. Period.

Another upsetting thing to me was when they flew the American flag with a stand-up of President Bush, and they started chanting all sorts of different things at him. They also changed the words to the Pledge of Allegiance, saying things like, "We pledge allegiance to the Bible," and they'd put their hands on the Bible. Yes, it's all very enthusiastic, the kids with their faces painted in camouflage, touting sticks like guns and singing about the army of Jesus, and when Becky told the kids they were hypocrites and needed to go somewhere and repent, all of the kids collapsed in tears, some of them rocking in the fetal position just sobbing. There was a LOT of energy in that clip, but I'm thinking that we're surely not here to feel so horrible about ourselves and our lives, are we? That these sweet little children are crying like their parents have died, because someone told them they're sinners and need to repent? My goodness - I have to take another deep breath even as I'm writing.

There was a radio show DJ that has a show called "The Ring of Fire" and he talks about all of this - the scariness of the fundamentalists who are taking over the White House and the government, and they even interviewed Ted Haggard, right before his whole scandal broke. Interesting, his first lines on the documentary were, "Why do we know homosexuality is wrong? Because it's in the Bible." Ironic, Ted, given your circumstances of intimate dealings with that muscular man with the meth.

So many feelings I have, but the ones that surprised me were this: am I doing everything I can for my children? Am I raising them "right"? Is there something I should be doing to get them as excited as these kids at this camp? Should I be creating a spiritual camp for kids where they can experience their beliefs for themselves? Would anyone come? What's the answer to what we perceive to be the "wrong" activities of "training" little terrorists "over there"? Do we counter it hate for hate? Can I teach my children to love everyone? Is that possible? I asked Steve if he thought we'd done a good job with our kids, and he said, "look, Susie - they're good kids. They're not in jail - they're sweet - they don't do drugs." And I know that's true, but still, the documentary made me wonder about some things - IS there a great percentage of the population that's complacent? How can I best be a light unto the world? Am I doing enough?

I used to be like Becky - I can speak in tongues, I was "saved" at the Assemblies of God Church back in 1973, I went to Young Life, I accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and personal savior, I heard David Wilkerson speak, and was fearful that it was the end of the world for about 2 years. So I understand most of this, but I grew beyond all of that somehow - people have criticized my work as a psychic, telling me I'm not Christian, and I don't know how to talk to them about that. I love Jesus, I really do - I just don't love what organized religion has done with all of it. Jesus was a Jew, I also probably think he probably studied Buddhism in Egypt or India during his lost years, but he most assuredly was NOT a Christian. I don't think God is a man with a long white beard (that's Zeus in mythology stories), I don't think it's important whether Mary was a virgin (I don't think she was, but she could've been), or whether Jesus died for our sins, or whether he physically rose after 3 days (although it's possible - I believe in miracles). I believe we all have our own beliefs, our own realities, our own relationship to God, or whatever we call it, or even if we believe in a Higher Power at all - that's the beauty of being human - we're all different.

I can be judgmental, I know - I get frustrated at times. I get stubborn a lot, and angry at what I think are injustices. I don't know what to do sometimes, and I get impatient (who, me?), but I'm glad I watched the documentary I'd heard so much about - it's making me think. I don't know if that's a good idea or not, because I think a lot all the time, but I did it, and now I'm thinking, so that's that.

someone to watch over me

I put Bill to bed around 9:30 every night. We have a great ritual. Brush our teeth, light the clove cinnamon candle by his bed, and read some more of his Pokemon book. Turn out the light by his bed, say our prayers and gratitudes, and go to sleep by candlelight. I wake up a few minutes later and go to my own room. But three nights ago I noticed something as I got up, but didn't say anything. Two nights ago I noticed the same thing, but didn't say anything. But it happened again last night, so I asked Steve about it this morning.

"Honey, did you come into Bill's room right after I put him to sleep and blow out his candle?"

Every time I woke up to go to my room I noticed the candle had been blown out. No, it's not by the window, no, there was no big wind (that happened in the middle of the night, remember?), no, I didn't do it and just not remember. I didn't do it.

"No," said Steve, "I didn't do it."

So I sit here and wonder if it's a big deal, really, just a blown out candle three nights in a row. Then I remember some other things that have happened to me. One time I was VERY tired, and was holding a cold cup of coffee (years ago when I still drank coffee). I was thinking how nice it would be to have a full cup of hot coffee, and how nice it would be if magically it would just fill itself up. While I was sitting there, I felt the cup become hotter, and when I looked down, it was filled to the top with hot coffee. Another time I was parked on my slanting driveway, and busy getting Baby Bill out of the car. The rearview sliding door was left open by one of the bigger kids, who'd since scampered into the house. I sighed. I'd have to walk ALL the way around the van to close the door. I was tired. Wouldn't it be nice... then the door slid - uphill - into place and shut firmly. No, I don't have automatic door close, yes, it's on a hill, no, it's impossible for that to ever happen on its own.

So you may wonder - is it all magic? Does it even matter what REALLY happened? Does it mean anything? And I say yes yes and yes. I think just because I've noticed it, that it means something to me, but I think it's up to me to decide what it means, and I've decided that it means this: when we sleep at night we may feel vulnerable, because we're not exactly IN our physical bodies - we're out doing stuff (hopefully fun stuff), and we're getting our energy tune-ups. So maybe the point is to let me know that I'm not alone at night, someone's watching over me, protecting me while I sleep (I know, it's not that smart to leave a candle burning at night), so this is a sweet way of letting me know that, unequivocally, and I DO feel it - I'm not going to tempt the fates by keeping the candle lit - it IS dangerous, if I don't wake up and let it keep burning. But I'm going to remember my sweet protectors every night when I light that candle, if even for a few moments. We're not alone, we're never alone. This I know for sure.

there's no place like ...

home. Mom and Dad sold ours over 7 years ago. The house her grandparents built, next to THEIR house. She grew up there. Then we added on and moved in when I was only 9 months old. The wooden stairs in the back that we slid down in our nighties Christmas morning, the front stairs that we played keepaway on, the front lawn that we played fox and geese on in the winter, the backyard where the metal green swingset kept us busy for hours, the basement crawlspace under the porch where we'd sneak, with our flashlights, and well, just talk. It's my whole childhood, everything. And I can't stop dreaming about it.

The latest dream was two nights ago, and I was in my old bedroom, wondering why "they" (the new owners) were letting us stay there. It was time to leave, but I didn't want to. I lay down on the tri-colored green shag carpet (yes, I know, but don't even start with me - it was the style), and started crying. "I just can't leave - I don't want to leave." Well, open a notepad and call me a Jungian analyst, but I'm thinking there's some richness to be had in that simple sentence, and the fact that I'm unwilling to leave my childhood home. I'm always packing things up in those dreams, and always know that I shouldn't be there anymore, yet, there I am, yet again.

Dreams are so goofy - they FEEL real, you know? Especially during these intense energy shift times, when the unconscious rises to the surface to blend with the conscious. We're standing with one foot in both worlds, and sometimes it's hard to tell the difference between the two. My waking life feels like a beautiful dream, and my dreams feel like my waking used to feel - painful at times, sad at other times, maddening still other times. What do I do with all of this pain? I breathe into it, and feel grateful for the 18 years I lived there full-time, and the 20 years after that that I could still "go home." I had an incredibly rich and beautiful childhood, and the house symbolizes all of that love and good times, and Mom's not going to be with us much longer, and I know it will be good for her, but I just don't see how I'm going to go around that next bend.

I call her every single day just so I can hear her voice, just so I can hear her say, "nyello," and I can say back, "Hi Mommy!" It's funny and tricky sometimes, this physical existence. We get tied to the physical, get hypnotized almost, and forget to look behind the scenes to the bigger picture, to where Mom and I are always together, laughing and walking lightly down the street, arm in arm. There's no separation, I know, but still, there's something about physical touch, there's something about hearing someone's voice, or looking into their eyes - it FEELS real.

Maybe this is all part of the switchover - realizing that what felt real before is really more of an illusion, and what didn't feel real contains the real substance. It's tough going, but I keep going, and dreaming, and waking, and wondering. Oh, and apparently, dreaming.

dizzy...

I'm so dizzy, my head is spinning, and it's you, energy... It's a song, sure, but it's my reality. Almost exactly a year ago I started this odyssey of transformation. It started with a change in lifestyle and diet. It was hit and miss for quite a few months as my body acclimated to healthy food ("What do you mean, NO MORE SUGAR? Are you crazy?" my body asked). Until just a few weeks ago, I would be eating brownies and chocolate chip cookies and candy bars in my dreams. Then it switched - I was offered sweets, but I said, "No, I don't eat sugar anymore." So I guess I made the switch over even in my dreams. But the whole supplement/detox/hormone thing really threw me for a loop. And the dizziness? During that whole year, I must've researched over 100 illnesses, sure that I had to have SOMETHING seriously wrong with me. I couldn't feel all of these strange symptoms and not be sick. So I made a list of symptoms. Currently I've categorized 50 of them - I've had 49 of the 50 so far.

Dizziness is certainly one of the ascension symptoms, and when I ask why that is, the answer I get back is that when a great deal of energy courses through our bodies, it throws our electical systems off as we try to assimilate everything. It's like upgrading our electrical systems in our house and having surges, circuits blown, refrigerators turn off. It's all new, and we need to get used to it. So when this current dizziness hit, it almost feels like a friend. I say to it, "Ah, you're back - hello," and detach from the physical feeling and just note it. But the blurry vision - now THAT'S a powerful symptom. I couldn't even read the TV screen to play "Super Bubble Pop" on Bill's Game Cube yesterday, and that's a tragedy, let me tell you. But I came to a decision about a month ago, regarding all of these strange feelings that travel throughout my body. First in my head, that electric feeling, then down into my sore neck, then around my chest, tightening so that it gets hard to breathe sometimes. Down to my hips and stomach, and down to my feet that sometimes feel like they aren't touching the ground. My conclusion: I'm not going to die - I'm alive, and I'm here, and I'm slated to stay here for the duration. If that's true, then there's nothing to fear. If it's not true, and I die, then I die, and get to go to a FABULOUS place, so again, really, nothing to fear. If you go, you go - if you don't, then LIVE YOUR LIFE TO THE FULLEST. That's my decision, and it's working for me.

I have my list of goals for not only the summer, but into the fall and winter. I want to be with my friends, I want to savor the lentil and rice dish I made for dinner. I want to make the bed slowly, and feel the dish soapy in my hands as I wash it carefully. I want to spent time with Sam, my silver maple in the backyard. I watch Billy being sad, and I remember a story about him when he was a baby, so I gently knock on his door, go in, sit down, and ask if I can tell him the story.

I'm at Hornbacher's, standing in line, holding Baby Bill. I look over and see a man with grungy long hair, and a sweater that's got holes in it. He doesn't have much energy in his aura, and what I can see is dark and low. I look away. Then I feel Billy Boy looking at the man. In fact, he's staring at the man and won't look away until the man looks at him. Then Bill smiles at him, that whole body smile. And the man smiles back. I look back at the man, and his whole energy has changed - it is full of light. Bill did that for the man, gave him a gift of unconditional love. I could feel it, and I know for darn sure that man felt it.

So this whole crazy ride is one giant gift, so far as I can see. When someone gets upset, I smile and see the picture behind the picture. I ask for the "right" words to say, not the ones that will perpetuate this illusion of disconnection. I ask for love, not to make myself right. I ask for my sweet ego to be gentled. I ask for courage to continue on each day, believing in the greater design, even when I'm tired, or wish it was all over with so I could just relax. There's just so much down here, isn't there? But you have to look, really closely sometimes - through the muck and the righteousness and the fears, to the sweet little bachelor buttons growing in the Mommy Bucket on the front porch. Or the baby bunny walking across the back lawn, looking for green. So I breathe, and I watch, and I'm amazed, just amazed.

Independence Day

Yes, I know it's Monday, but last Wednesday was almost the most fun 4th of July I've ever had. Peggy invited us out to the lake, and Steve, Bill, Kari, Erik and I all went. Nancy was there with her family, as well. What I remember most wasn't the beautiful two hour boat ride with 9 teenagers (and Bill), or cooking in the kitchen with my 3 sisters (Mary came over from her lake), or the jello flinging contest after dinner (the boys couldn't catch the jello from the 20 feet distance, but were really accurate from 5 feet and closer), but it came the next day, Thursday, when I met my 3 sisters at Billy's Corner Bar in Vergas. Bill kept saying, "You can tell you're related." At first we all laughed, then I started smiling, liking how that sounded. It's very important for me to feel a part of a community, to feel included, to feel accepted. Sometimes I don't feel that way, but I imagine that's more about me than about anyone or anything else. After lunch we walked to the Quiet Cricket, and they all bought me a bracelet for my birthday, then Nancy bought me a blue candleholder because everyone else had one. I bought a vase just like Peggy had, and Mary and I bought matching earrings.

As I sat in the car waiting for them to come back with their kuchens from the grocery store, I got tears in my eyes. I thought about going back home, wearing my earrings, knowing my sister Mary had hers, too. I thought about my beautiful vase, and how Peggy has the same one sitting on her counter. I thought of all of us lighting our candles and looking at the cut-out fish on the candleholder, and I felt like I was part of a beautiful group - it's private, it's exclusive, it's my sisters, and I'm one of them. I can't say why or how I felt that way, but it felt really good, and I still smile when I think about it. It's one thing for me to have my most fabulous best friends: Missy Pooh, Mags, Vicks, Carol, Donna, Chitra, Julia and Marie, to name a few, and they ARE family, but there's something about blood - it goes ALL the way back. My sisters have known me my whole life, when I wasn't a psychic and writer, when I was just a little kid who dressed kind of dopey and tattled a lot. They're not especially impressed with my accomplishments because they remember me stumbling in the backyard, trying to make a basket. They remember me typing the "Ekberg Tribune," my weekly newspaper in which I disclosed family goings-on. And our history is precious, and binding, no matter our differences. And I love my sisters, I love them a lot. And I know they love me. And that feels really great.

7.07.07 7:07AM

I hadn't gotten to bed until 12:30 last night. Kari was home, and well, there were TWO back-to-back episodes of "What Not to Wear," so ... but I kept watching the clock this morning, and at exactly 7:07AM, I started my meditation. I took some deep breaths, and opened my whole self up to all of the higher energies. Instantly I could feel it seeping into my body, like liquid gold. I've had that same feeling many times when I take a nap in the afternoons - it's almost like you're expanding out of your body, but are still in it, but you feel just unbelievably peaceful, calm, and happy. So I smiled, and kept going. Then I started with my intentions: may all those in my family have happiness, may all of my close friends have happiness, may all of my acquaintances and neighbors have happiness, may everyone in my community have happiness, may everyone in the region have happiness, may everyone in the country have happiness, may everyone in the world have happiness, may everyone in the whole Universe have happiness. I kept spiraling my love and awareness further and further out, and although "I" was still all here, there was MORE of me here, so I kept going. At some point I lost track of what I was doing, because I just felt so not-like-always. Thoughts had a harder time staying in my head (that's a good thing, believe me), and all I could do was look at this whole thing we call reality and just be amazed - it looked like a game, a movie, a toy. Certainly nothing that was as real as I'd thought it was even last night.

So I kept breathing, and opening up to my highest possibilities for my life. I asked to be led gently down my life's path, I asked for help every step of the way so I don't ever think I'm the only one in charge. Somewhere along the way I got the idea that I should only be doing this for one minute, exactly as long as the clock read 7:07. I have no idea where that thought came from, but when I finally opened my eyes, 45 minutes had gone by, and I KNOW I hadn't fallen back asleep. It's now 5:11PM, and now I'll write a live channel for this blog entry. I usually post it on my website, but this will be a quick one, and maybe I'll write a longer one later today. This has all just felt so peaceful and gentle. I'd thought it was going to be more difficult, but that just shows me that you should never have assumptions - you're sure to be proven wrong.

I have been feeling dizzy for the past two days, so I've been massaging my head. That helps a little bit, but it feels like my neck and ears are tight. But I'm happy - oh my, I'm happy, but REALLY hungry all the time. And still full of energy - I've been going for two fast 45 minute walk/runs every day. If I don't, my whole body starts to hum. So, that's it for today - happy 7/7/07 everyone. Here's the channel:

Dear ones - relax and let the river of life wash through you, around you, under you, and over you. Feel the love as it seeps into every single pore, cell, organ, vein, and inch of your being, even beyond your physical being. This is for you, it's all for you, this mystic dam that has been released so that it may flow unhindered to you. You have been separated from it from far too long - can you feel it as it carries you gently along? Can you feel it as it supports you, keeps you afloat? There are many of you who would say that you are "going down for the last time," and we think this means that you are tired of your current situation, and have given up, and we say to you, "So what do you think will happen NEXT, if you give up your current way of being?" Do you think that would be such a bad thing? For we tell you, that would be the sweetest thing you could do - release every last vestige of your old way, or your old life, and thoughts and patterns that have not been in your Highest Good, for there is no place for them anymore. ANYMORE, do you hear? You have walked through into the new, and any part of your old that was weighing you down, creating conflict, or pain, or fear, or sadness, or anger, no longer has any definitions. Try to hold your anger - you cannot hold it for very long until you start to feel your stomach tighten and cramp, and your head hurt. You see? That energy does not sit well in your physical system anymore, so it is best just to let it go on its way - it does not have a home with you. Perhaps there is a home elsewhere; just not with you.

Take the time to sit quietly and just BE. Sit with yourself and revel in your magnificence. Look out a window at the beautiful green tree and appreciate its perfect beauty. Call a friend and tell her or him how much you love them. When you are washing your hands, feel the water as it washes over you and be thankful that you can feel that beautiful feeling. You are alive. If you are reading these words, you are still alive, and that is a miracle in and of itself, as it has not been the easiest of roads to navigate lately, have you not noticed? There is no need for fear, no need to plan your next days, or your next, for you are held in perfect hands as you walk together with your Soul. This is what you have longed for all these millenium - union with All That is You. That is what has been missing, and that is what has been supplied to you, felt most especially this day as it marks a high point in the current journey. We expect your times to become more gentle, even as you continue to awaken to your True Self. As you understand more, so you become more confident and calm. Even if you don't "know" what is coming next, all remains well in your world, for you just "know". And for now, that is more than enough.

Enjoy the beauty in your world, see it through your new eyes, continue to take the time just to sit quietly, and decrease the demands in your life. Spend time with those who bring you joy, and take the time to do the things that bring you joy, for that is what this is all about. Enjoy, unfold, and be. Thank you.

things that have moved me to tears

1. Watching "Castaway" when Helen Hunt and Tom Hanks are in the rain, and Tom has just driven away, with Helen screaming after him. They embrace and she says, "You were the love of my life." I cried so hard that Steve had to come into the room and wrap his arms around me. For about 1/2 hour. Then we needed to talk about it. What a priceless guy. He didn't even ask any questions, just walked in and put his arms around me when he heard me crying.

2. Watching "Conversations with God" by myself. First it was the goosebumps on both of my legs in the opening scene when he hears, "Have you had enough?" and looks around but can't see anyone. This is my life, and to see it on a movie means so much.

3. Hearing that sweet friend Shannon had to put down her dear dog, Bonkers. She was so close to her, and was a beautiful, gentle animal, much more than a dog. I cry for Shannon's loss of her physical friend, but know that Bonkers is very strongly always in Shannon's heart, because that is where the love connection is, and that can NEVER be broken or lost.

4. Picking strawberries southwest of Enderlin with Billy Boy. It was a beautiful, sunny, hot day, with little white clouds low in the sky. The wind was blowing slightly, but there was just something about this one perfect moment that brought tears to my eyes - life is so fleeting and so precious. In a few short years Bill will be moving on to a bigger life - this was Kari and Erik just a few short years ago, and now they're both gone.

5. Thinking of Kari and Erik when they were only 3 1/2 and 5, the first time they had to leave me for six weeks and not get to see me for that whole time. It was awful - I cleaned the whole house feverishly for the first week, then fell into a funk for the next 5 weeks, hardly able to pull myself off of playing "Buster Brothers," a video game that I perfected, along with eating approximately 3 boxes of RainBlo Gum. It may sound funny, but it wasn't - it was very sad. Just thinking of being away from Bill like that, and remembering BEING away from Kari and Erik like that made me cry, and that memory hadn't come up for a VERY long time.

6. Thinking of how ridiculously much I love my Mum, and how I know we won't have her physically with us that much longer, when I hear her breathy voice on the phone during our daily visits. Yesterday I told her that she was my hero and my inspiration, my support and my friend. Then I cried.

7. Loving my Dad, and seeing his whole life through the memoir work I'm doing for him. Seeing him when he was Erik's age, or even Bill's age, seeing his mom when she was MY age that I am now, and again fastforwarding all these years to look at his life like a moving train - it's all just a series of moments, and they're nearing the end. I guess I don't do mortality that well - I love life so much, even though I know there's so much more than just this - it's still stunningly beautiful and perfect.

So that's the short list. I got a stomach ache all last night, and still feel queasy this morning. I should've listened to Bill when he told me NOT to eat the strawberries before we'd washed off the pesticides, but could I listen? Apparently not - I've purified my body so much that it gets really sick almost instantly when I put poisons in it. That's the good news AND the bad news. I want to always put good stuff in it, but if I slip up, it's a harsh price to pay. But in the end, it's still good - it's all good. And those strawberries? Oh my ...

I DID IT

I'm a goal-oriented person - I like goals, they help me stay on track. So I decided to make up a list of goals for the summer (actually, my inspiration is dear friend Dr. Maggie Peterson, whose goal was to visit b&b's throughout North Dakota via her motorcycle). One of those goals was to reach the top of the climbing wall out at Y West. I'd made it up to the large mustard colored rock, about 10 feet from the top, but got a little too nervous. I wanted to climb for Mum, who now walks with the help of a walker. If I'm able, I want to be as physical as humanly possible, and the climbing wall presents a great physical challenge. My inspiration for the wall is my sweet 7 year old Billy Boy. He's a great climber - tenacious, dedicated, and very strong. I decided today was the day.

I got dressed in my blue sports top and black nylon short shorts (more about that later). I put on my running shoes (I'd already gone running for 45 minutes this morning - I know, but I'm really dedicated to this whole health thing), and we headed out. My palms started sweating, but I thought, "hey, I can do this." They put me on the corner rope. There was some discussion as to which was the easiest climb - the rope in the corner, or the one in the middle. I decided to try the corner. Jenny was my belayer, and she was very sweet and supportive - a real cheerleader - "You can do it - you're moving up so fast, with such long strides (hello - my legs are like 4000 feet long - I'd think I'd have long strides)." When I got to the top I rang that bell that hangs on the purple rope REALLY loudly - I'm sure they heard me in West Fargo, but I didn't care - I did it. I'd accomplished one of my summer goals, and it was easy. Really, it was. I liked it. A lot. So much that I tried my hand at climbing the other easy rope. That was even easier - I walked right up - I think Jenny was surprised. And I even got hurt - how cool is that? I bruised my left knee on a rock on the belay down, and got a big mysterious scratch on my left shoulder blade, probably from the rope somewhere along the way.

But I did it - I really did it, and I felt strong, and powerful, and capable, and well, just proud. So now what are my other goals to accomplish? Running 3 miles straight by the end of the summer, biking in Dorset, camping in Maplewood and Itasca, and learning how to work a kayak, oh, and learning how to use our new/old Rialta, Gitana. So, there you go - I'm TOTALLY energized, can't stop going. I slept like a log last night, and feel so great, from the inside out. If this is the leading to the climax of 7.7 next Saturday, then bring it on.

I'm going to meditate at 7:07AM next Saturday, with the intention of releasing all lower energies and making the commitment to live in the new always. I love meditating, anyway, but this one will be extra special. I think on 9.9.09 I'll have a group over here to the house for a mega-meditation in my backyard, but for now, these early morning meditations are best accomplished alone. Maybe Bill will be up to join me...