dizzy...

I'm so dizzy, my head is spinning, and it's you, energy... It's a song, sure, but it's my reality. Almost exactly a year ago I started this odyssey of transformation. It started with a change in lifestyle and diet. It was hit and miss for quite a few months as my body acclimated to healthy food ("What do you mean, NO MORE SUGAR? Are you crazy?" my body asked). Until just a few weeks ago, I would be eating brownies and chocolate chip cookies and candy bars in my dreams. Then it switched - I was offered sweets, but I said, "No, I don't eat sugar anymore." So I guess I made the switch over even in my dreams. But the whole supplement/detox/hormone thing really threw me for a loop. And the dizziness? During that whole year, I must've researched over 100 illnesses, sure that I had to have SOMETHING seriously wrong with me. I couldn't feel all of these strange symptoms and not be sick. So I made a list of symptoms. Currently I've categorized 50 of them - I've had 49 of the 50 so far.

Dizziness is certainly one of the ascension symptoms, and when I ask why that is, the answer I get back is that when a great deal of energy courses through our bodies, it throws our electical systems off as we try to assimilate everything. It's like upgrading our electrical systems in our house and having surges, circuits blown, refrigerators turn off. It's all new, and we need to get used to it. So when this current dizziness hit, it almost feels like a friend. I say to it, "Ah, you're back - hello," and detach from the physical feeling and just note it. But the blurry vision - now THAT'S a powerful symptom. I couldn't even read the TV screen to play "Super Bubble Pop" on Bill's Game Cube yesterday, and that's a tragedy, let me tell you. But I came to a decision about a month ago, regarding all of these strange feelings that travel throughout my body. First in my head, that electric feeling, then down into my sore neck, then around my chest, tightening so that it gets hard to breathe sometimes. Down to my hips and stomach, and down to my feet that sometimes feel like they aren't touching the ground. My conclusion: I'm not going to die - I'm alive, and I'm here, and I'm slated to stay here for the duration. If that's true, then there's nothing to fear. If it's not true, and I die, then I die, and get to go to a FABULOUS place, so again, really, nothing to fear. If you go, you go - if you don't, then LIVE YOUR LIFE TO THE FULLEST. That's my decision, and it's working for me.

I have my list of goals for not only the summer, but into the fall and winter. I want to be with my friends, I want to savor the lentil and rice dish I made for dinner. I want to make the bed slowly, and feel the dish soapy in my hands as I wash it carefully. I want to spent time with Sam, my silver maple in the backyard. I watch Billy being sad, and I remember a story about him when he was a baby, so I gently knock on his door, go in, sit down, and ask if I can tell him the story.

I'm at Hornbacher's, standing in line, holding Baby Bill. I look over and see a man with grungy long hair, and a sweater that's got holes in it. He doesn't have much energy in his aura, and what I can see is dark and low. I look away. Then I feel Billy Boy looking at the man. In fact, he's staring at the man and won't look away until the man looks at him. Then Bill smiles at him, that whole body smile. And the man smiles back. I look back at the man, and his whole energy has changed - it is full of light. Bill did that for the man, gave him a gift of unconditional love. I could feel it, and I know for darn sure that man felt it.

So this whole crazy ride is one giant gift, so far as I can see. When someone gets upset, I smile and see the picture behind the picture. I ask for the "right" words to say, not the ones that will perpetuate this illusion of disconnection. I ask for love, not to make myself right. I ask for my sweet ego to be gentled. I ask for courage to continue on each day, believing in the greater design, even when I'm tired, or wish it was all over with so I could just relax. There's just so much down here, isn't there? But you have to look, really closely sometimes - through the muck and the righteousness and the fears, to the sweet little bachelor buttons growing in the Mommy Bucket on the front porch. Or the baby bunny walking across the back lawn, looking for green. So I breathe, and I watch, and I'm amazed, just amazed.