Mom countdown - Day 7

I slept for 9 1/2 hours last night, but feel tired again today. Yesterday afternoon around 2:30 I curled up in my new brightly colored fuzzy blanket from Bed, Bath and Beyond and lay down on the floor. I closed my eyes, but I don't know if I slept. After that, it was hard to move around or get motivated. The only thing I wanted to do was go back to Bed, Bath and Beyond and buy 3 more fuzzy blankets. That worries me - my newfound obsession with soft, cuddly, comforting things, but they were on sale, so it only cost $45 for all three of them. But that's not the point. I crave them, I want them, I NEED them, and I wonder what's next - where is this need coming from? The need to be comforted, to feel safe, to just go away for a while underneath the softness?

I wonder if I'm mildly depressed, suffering post-traumatic stress syndrome, just tired, or some of all three? I'm trying to journal every day, but the words fall flat on the page. Writing in here helps a lot more. Reading "The Wild Trees" helps, because it totally takes me away to another world of redwoods - god bless Robert Preston. Bill is being dear, staying close, putting his arm around me. He wrote me a letter yesterday and put it in a homemade envelope. It said, "Dear Mom - thank you for giving me a great childhood. But now I'm grown up so I can get stuff by myself. I love you." I don't know quite what that means, but maybe he's feeling like I need a little break from such complete care of him. It must be hard for him to have me gone in Bismarck so much, but I don't know what else to do.

I went through Mom's pictures this morning and pulled out 24 to use for the funeral collage. She is so beautiful, with her curly black hair and bright white smile, her slim long legs and arms, her beautiful clothes. I haven't found the picture for her obituary yet, but I'll keep looking for the perfect one.

My whole right side hurts, and it's hard to breathe, so I'm wondering if I've pulled a rib - I go to the chiropractor later this morning. I'm too tired to walk a long way, and it's been too hot anyway.

As I fell asleep last night, I lit THEE candle, rolled over, and when I rolled back, it was out. I think I'll put it in a different place tonight and try it again, or light two and see if they BOTH go out. It's not like I'm testing, I'm just interested in examining the full realm of what's possible. Steve admits it's a little mysterious, but I'm still thinking it's just uber-cool. Maybe I can ask for some other signs that are a little more practical, like asking that the laundry be finished and folded by morning, or that the refrigerator be filled with food by morning, or the garage be cleaned out? Hmmm...

I'm slated to go back to Bismarck on Sunday, but I'll have to see how my back feels. Nancy and Peggy are still pulling all-nighters at the hospital, but I know I can't do that anymore. I've hit the wall. I know they have, as well. We are still looking for a miracle, and looking for help.