Mom countdown - Day 11

I don't know if it's another energy shift (that's part of it), or if it's the leftover tightness from my locked-up cervicals from the "Mom" incident, but my ears are both blocked up, and my right ear hurts inside it, like the bones are squishing together. It helped a little to go see Dr. Deb, my chiropractor, and it also helps to smile and breathe through it, just noticing without much judgment - it just is, just like everything else just is.

I had a short talk with Jodes right before my radio show yesterday, and she was commenting that she was having different experiences in her life right now, and she was wondering why that was, and if something would change for her, and I told her that I think we choose our paths, and we're both on our own different paths - one isn't right or wrong, better or worse - just different. I feel like right now I'm on a steep incline with slippery rocks. I've got to concentrate or I might lose my balance and fall and get hurt, so I'm careful with each step I take, to be mindful and conscious and as aware as possible. I don't want to zone out and slip up. There's too much at stake - the integration of all the levels of awarenesses that have been unfolding over the past year, probably past 20 years. A part of me is sitting here typing, and another part is looking over all parts of my life, and has the bigger picture. Sometimes I'm in ALL those different levels, and sometimes I float in between them, stopping at different places, just depending.

Right now I'm getting ready to head to Minneapolis on Wednesday, and am planning my fall classes and workshops around the country. That's exciting, anyway, to know that I'm able to spread my work around to greater audiences. I don't want to travel too much. I don't know how I'll feel after Mom dies - maybe I'll be split open into a beautiful place, and maybe I'll become quiet (wow - wouldn't that be something?) and need to retreat for a while, maybe I'll be angry, maybe I won't. I can't judge - that's a turn in the road and there's no amount of psychic powers that can foresee that future. I only know that today Mom is alive, and home, and I'm making sloppy joes to bring to her, and gingersnaps for Dad, and for now, that's more than enough planning for me.

I've retired my candle project, as I've come to the conclusion that it IS real, and is there for me any time I might need it - sort of like a "clap on" light, right? "Candle on, candle off."