Mom countdown - Day 9

I'm not so tired today, and went for a LONG walk this morning. I looked up at the sky, because that's what I love to do, and I remembered a cloud formation that Bill and I saw yesterday. We both looked up at the same time and gasped. "It looks like a phoenix," Bill said. Yes, it did. Exactly. It had a head with a beak, and a body with legs, even, and those beautiful angel-like wing clouds emanating boldly out behind it. Sort of like a turkey/angel, maybe, but we both noticed it, and we think it was there just for us, as a reminder that there's mystery and magic in the world, even when our heads get bowed with our earthly struggles.

I slept, I slept, I'm so happy. I don't have to go to Bismarck until Friday evening, so that lets me see my clients I have scheduled, PLUS drive down to Minneapolis Wednesday to hear Kari's research paper that she's presenting. I'll stay in Bismarck as long as possible, only to return to Fargo in time to get the backyard ready for our huge Goddess birthday party blow-out. We're expecting 100 goddesses, and are on good track for it. I just want to celebrate with friends, you know? I just want to have some time to remember why we wanted to be incarnate in the first place. Why WOULD we want to come here, in the midst of this density and forgetfulness? I think so we can remember that we ARE light beings, and so we can remember who we are. Sometimes I get really long stretches of that knowingness, and part of this last week feels almost like an intense training, where you just CAN'T come up for air until you've learned what you've needed to learn.

I finished Rasha's book "Oneness," and it was incredible. It's REALLY a dense read, and it took me a whole YEAR to finish it, but was well worth it. One of the last points she made that sticks out with me is this: she says you get to a point in your awareness that even while you're making choices that you KNOW aren't in your highest good, you're still able to witness yourself making those choices, but you're unable to play innocent anymore - you KNOW you're only deceiving yourself, because you KNOW better. I think of an example recently of being angry at my stepson for waking me up in the middle of the night, so that morning, around 10AM, I purposefully dropped a pan on the floor. Even as I thought about doing it, I thought, "I know I'm doing this, and that I don't really want to do it," then I went ahead and did it anyway. Does that make me a bad person? No, but it kind of sucks that now I apparently KNOW better, so it doesn't make being unconscious that much fun anymore. I can't fake it, but that's good - it takes me to a whole new level of awareness, and I can make new choices every step of the way.

So I sit, and I think, and I wonder when Mom's going to die, then I remember that they're RELEASING her from the hospital to go home later today. What is this madness? How can it be? But they are, and she's stabilized enough, so I wonder, will she die at home now? How soon? Will it be after my birthday on the 18th? Mom's mom died right after Mom turned 48, April 1, 1970. I was 9 1/2, 2 years older than Bill is now. If she dies soon, I'll be exactly one year younger than SHE was when HER mom died. I asked her if that was hard for her, and told her that I don't remember her grieving very much. She said she would go into our pool room and cry at night. I didn't say anything for a while after Granny died. My family was a little concerned about me. I only remember looking at our dog, Duke, lying on the floor, and finally saying, "Look at him just lying there. I want to kick him." So, here's to healthy grieving, pre- and post-, and here's to letting sleeping dogs lie. I don't know how I WILL feel - I only know how I feel today, and that is a lot better than I felt yesterday. I feel stronger, clearer, more settled, but still a little concerned about my intense desire to buy sleepwear and pillows...