just so beautiful

I'm actually feeling better this morning (I slept for the first time in 4 nights), and wanted to post this most beautiful picture of a glasswing butterfly. I think I'd heard about it before, but was reminded with this picture sent from a friend. I'll be taking one more day of rest, but I think I'm on the upswing of this "thing." Yay!

sssssssssshhhhhhhhh

Okay, it's official - I now have laryngitis. This full head worked its way downward into my lungs to make them hot and make it difficult to breathe. My chills are now a slight fever, and my voice went WAY past throaty and sexy to just pathetic. Maggie says "stop talking" but as Steve says, making the sign of a fish swimming with his hand, "if a shark doesn't swim, it will die." Translated, that means, "if Susie doesn't talk, she'll die." Interesting concept, and one that I'm thinking about as I sit here with my head popping off the top of my body. It's not THAT bad, really - I ate some quinoa, sweet potatoes, and a mound of stir fry, with my usual two gallons of fluids, took the day off to watch the first part of "Mr. and Mrs. Smith" and catch up on the Hilton sisters (hey, they're people too - I think). I even managed to clear the legos off the dining room table and uhm, that's about it. There are even dirty dishes in the sink, and I never do that, but somehow even sitting here typing is making my arms tired, so the monumental thought of doing dishes? It can wait.

I got e-mails from several friends, talking about this, whatever it is that I'm going through. Most interesting to me was sweet Karen's reply - she said she had the same thing, and she got that it was a major detox, and the head stuff was about releasing too many thoughts, and the old thought patterns. I told her that that was exactly what I got for myself - man, is she plugged in! Mom was concerned, and said I should go "see somebody so they can give me something." I sweetly answered back that I wouldn't take anything "they" would give me, anyway, so what was the use? She got a little upset, and reminded me that I was a grownup - hello? I'm thinking 47 is getting pretty close to grownup, anyway, but once a mother, always a mother, and I truly love her for that. Worrying, that is.

Mags says my body's back online after being under the stress of the campaigning, of Kari graduating, of Mom being back in the hospital, and about all the rest of our personal upcoming changes. Once we're online, our bodies use the illness (or whatever you call it) to get the "bandits out of the house." Well, there must have been a whole HERD of bandits in the Susie house, because, man, I should've invested in Kleenex stock, seriously - three boxes full? I looked in the mirror today, and almost fainted (for real). My hair looked like the bride of Frankenstein, as I'd taken a shower to warm up last night, had gotten my hair wet, then just lay down on it - all swirly. My eyes had brown bags, and had sort of a haunted look. So much for loving ourselves just as we are - I'm definitely going to have to work on that unconditional love thing in the future.

So tomorrow I'll rest again - maybe make another phone call or two. Don't call me, though - I can't talk. I can whisper, though. And for the time being, that's enough - that, AND the fresh box of organic veggies that just got delivered from Diamond Organics - man, are we going to eat like royalty tomorrow night. I hope Steve can cook it all the way I like it!

I wish I took over-the-counters

The Neti pot is fabulous for sinus infections - try it!

Last night was my third almost sleepless night, with my nose totally blocked up. I did the Neti pot three times, but it didn't help. Well, it DID help, but I've gone through two boxes of Kleenex, so it's an uphill battle. I drank about 2 gallons of liquids, took some Osci and silver biotics, ate 3 1/2 oranges, tried to rest. It started on Friday, this runny nose. I never get sick - seriously, not in the past 2 years. Billy had it, too, Steve a little. Now Steve feels great, Bill's nose is better, but I've been hit by a Mack truck - my body aches, my voice is a pony (a little hoarse), and my head feels like it's not attached to my head, or that there's too much of a head for my body. I know it's a major detox, but seriously, my body's got until Friday to get over it, when we leave for Kari's graduation. I threw my hands up yesterday and said I give up, then... nothing. Well, what COULD happen? You keep going on, but this is getting tiring, all of the intensity, the detoxing, the transforming, the purifying. I'd like a little break, okay?

Steve asked if I'd taken an aspirin, after I woke him up with my moaning, holding my head and rocking back and forth. "Hah," I answered, probably not very sweetly. It was 3AM. But I thought about it, I really did, for about 2 seconds, then I went downstairs, brewed some more peppermint tea, and swallowed more Bioplasma. Sigh. So it's home for me for the next few days - e-mail if you get lonely, I'll be here.

body, mind spirit communication

What a great night last night at Total Balance. There was a GREAT crowd there - even Patti drove in from Detroit Lakes - I hadn't seen her in a long time. Karla came, and brought her sweet new boyfriend, Chris. Dora Mae and Jackie - uber cool women, and on. We turned off all the lights, got comfortable, and I started. It was nice just to release all of the worries and thoughts, and just enter into that present state that can be so illusive sometimes. Even though I coughed and sniffed a few times (is this allergies, which I NEVER get, or a cold, which I also NEVER get?), but other than that, the recording is solid. I was surprised to get "help" right at the start. Usually the message comes at the end, but in this new world, anything goes, apparently, and that was fine with me - I need all the help I can get, right?

The point of the body, mind, spirit communication is to first establish a connection with your Higher Heart Center, that beautiful, beautiful place of origin of Love and God. You do that by putting both hands on your heart, and just feeling the heat and the love. Then you move one hand down to your stomach, and form a "circuit" so you can communicate with your body. What do you need to do for your body right now, what does your body need? My body usually wants rest, or more water, or lighter food. But just ask. Now you move your heart hand up to your forehead, or just somewhere on your head, to calm your mind down, get it working WITH your greater energies. What does your mind need to do right now, how can you work WITH your greater energies in the present moment? That energy movement crosses in the heart area again, and forms a half circle up to your head. When you move both hands back to your heart, you complete the image to be an infinity symbol that forms a beautiful closed circuit of energy that enters through the top into your heart, which is the center of the symbol, then swirls down into your stomach, then back through the heart and up to your head, then around back through the heart. And on and on. As above, so below, connecting our human experiences with our heavenly perspectives, giving us our own unique answers to our own unique questions about our own unique lives. That's the best we can do right now, as books and other people probably don't have OUR answers - they have THEIR answers. To get our answers, we need to go back to our Source, our connection with God, and get our help directly. That makes sense to me.

I'll go listen to the tape again. I don't remember part of it, but that's not new - I was really relaxed, and awfully, awfully happy last night. The ultimate Happy Place - I need to remember to go there often. But at least it's recorded, but even if it wasn't, I'd still remember. All I need to do is put my hands over my heart.

help (I need somebody)...

He called on Friday evening, said he'd gotten my phone number off the internet. I don't know how I felt about that, but his phone number was on caller id and he told me his name. He said he's been practicing yoga and holistic things for 40 years, but this ascension stuff was kicking his butt. I'm assuming he found my article for the 57 Ascension Symptoms that's circulating around. He thought there should be some kind of support group for this, and I said he wasn't the first person to mention that. I told him what I know about current symptoms people are feeling (extreme headaches, neckaches, lower back, insomnia, fatigue, knee pain) and said it seemed that a lot of people were helped by finding at least one other person to talk to about it all, just to bounce things off of. Then you don't feel so all alone. He said he felt alone. Everyone does, because we mostly don't have all those old backup sources of support that we used to have. We NEED to do this by ourselves, because it's our lives that we're forming into new creations. It's like asking someone else to have your baby for you, or to "help" you. Nobody can really "help" you birth the baby - that hard work has to be done by YOU, and you alone. You can get support, like someone rubbing your back or looking into your eyes, telling you that you're doing beautifully, but realize that everyone ELSE is birthing their own babies, as well. So we're all huffing and puffing and trying to stay calm, feeling perhaps like our body has betrayed us, and that we're not in control.

I encouraged the caller to get tests run if he's feeling scared, but that chances are high that they won't find anything "wrong" with him. He affirmed that he'd already had a battery of tests run, and they all come back "normal." Of course they do - these symptoms are FELT on the physical realm, but they're not discernible on physical tests, because they aren't actually HOUSED in our physical bodies. So then we get to the point where we just have to trust in the greater workings, and trust that everything's okay. I admit, lately I've felt again that there's something "wrong" with my head and neck and lower stomach areas because that lower back ache just won't go away (now was that a symptom for ovarian cancer, or was it cervical cancer - I forget), or that the concussion I had 10 years ago could be causing an aneurysm or stroke in my head, even though I feel it all over my head, like on my muscles. I thought I was over those fears, but it's intense and non-stop, you know? We're not superhumans, you know. Sometimes I just want everything to be "normal" again (whatever that means). Maybe I mean that I want to be feel really solid and healthy (wait - I DO feel healthy) and energetic and well, whole. Maybe that's what the house feels like in the middle of its reconstruction - all torn apart, and just wanting to be put back together again. But if we really ARE building the new, we can't put the house back together again in the OLD, and we can't put it back together until it's time. We can't wallpaper on bare studs, or carpet on concrete or plug appliances in where there are no outlets. Everything builds on the previous action, and even though it appears that the major deconstruction, demolition and building of the foundational stuff is completed, there still appears to be a lot of other stuff left to be done.

Just think about it - the floors and the walls and the handles and the colors and the cupboards and the shower curtains and the appliances and the outlet covers and the floorboards and the shingles and the siding and the sidewalk and the windows and their treatments. I honestly don't even know if we've even GOTTEN to those decorating things yet - I think we're probably still on the plumbing and electricity issues, because man, am I feeling plumbing and electricity issues in my body!

I'm glad I answered the phone on Friday. I'm glad he found my number and felt drawn to call. I hope I helped. He said I spoke to his heart a few times, so that probably helped him not feel so alone. I'm blessed especially to have Maggie and Melissa as my "peeps" in this whole thing - they are my support and my sanity. I honestly don't know what I'd do without them. Of course, it helps to have a rocking husband and kids AND other great friends AND amazing mom and dad. We can do this - we can - we just need to keep going until, well, until we don't need to keep going anymore, whenever that time may be. In the meantime, I'll stay, and help as much as I can, whether it be a phone call, or an e-mail, or a column, or a blog entry. We ALL need help - we need each other. The song keeps playing in my head:

"Help, I need somebody,
Help, not just anybody,
Help, you know I need someone, help.

When I was younger, so much younger than today,
I never needed anybody's help in any way.
But now these days are gone, I'm not so self assured,
Now I find I've changed my mind and opened up the doors.

Help me if you can, I'm feeling down
And I do appreciate you being round.
Help me, get my feet back on the ground,
Won't you please, please help me.

And now my life has changed in oh so many ways,
My independence seems to vanish in the haze.
But every now and then I feel so insecure,
I know that I just need you like I've never done before."

Becky - this one's for you

For the people who have had change thrust upon them, unasked for, hurtful, devastating and life-altering, with seemingly no concern for anyone. Wives, husbands, children, dogs, families - uprooted and cast aside with no regard. Is it your fault? Did you do anything wrong, anything to deserve this current pain? No, no, a thousand times no - I only care about YOU and what this means to you. You weren't abandoned - I've heard it said that if something loves you, and you let it go, it comes back. Will he come back? Probably not. Again, I ask you - would you ever want someone like that back? Someone who is immature and needy, who simultaneously relies on you to take care of him, then resents you and calls you bossy? Tells you to lighten up?

No, sweet Becky - you deserve someone to treat you like the most heavenly being that was ever born, because you are. You deserve to have warm pancakes served to you in bed, and fresh coffee on the side with a touch of cream, just like you like it. Does he even know that? I don't know. I just know that you are in pain, and I understand - I really do. I won't pretend to understand why people do what they do - do any of us really understand it? Why do we say hurtful things when we want to hug, why do we turn away when we want to turn toward? How could he say he's found a soul mate after only 2 days, when you've been together for 18 years? You see, it doesn't make any sense - that's how you know this isn't about you - it's about HIM. So, now I'll ask you - what opportunities does this present for you? What good can come out of this? How can you create a new life from this moment on? What will be born in you?

I don't know your answers - maybe you don't know your answers, but I know you will not only make it through this - you will flourish in your new world, a world of kindness and unconditional love and unwavering trust. Did you have that before? Or was it a tightrope that you walked every day, not knowing for sure? You have yourself, you have your children, and your parents and siblings. You have your friends, and your sweet dogs. Hug Sophie - that will help. Breathe, watch "Scrubs," eat warm chocolate chip cookies (I'll bring some over to your house), read Glamour, or Good Housekeeping, or Cosmopolitan. Scream. Go for a long walk and try to get lost for a while. Sit under a tree and cry until you can't breathe anymore. Just do it. Whatever you need to do, or feel, or be. This is the sacred in-between time - in between two lives, in that empty space of possibility. Where are you? You decide. Just sit until you figure it out. That's all right. I'll be right here beside you.

a little slice of heaven...

I want to make a cookbook. I have the name already. It's all the recipes I've used for the last 40 years of cooking. They're all fabulous, tested, and can be personally vouched for. I'll make it so you can add recipes as you go along (somehow). I have a spiral notebook of all the recipes I'd like to try - I tape them onto pages. If I like them, I leave them in. If I don't like them, I rip the page out. I also have too many cookbooks, with a few fabulous recipes in each of them. I went through a stack of them, ripped out my favorite recipes, and also the ones I'd like to try. The loose recipes I keep in the FRONT of my spiral notebook, the loose recipes I HAVEN'T tried I keep in the BACK of my notebook. I'm making my way through ALL of those untried recipes to see if there are any golden nuggets I can snatch and add to my new cookbook. Last night was "Sri Wasano's Infamous Indonesian Rice Salad," taken from one of Molly Katzen's cookbooks (The Moosewood?). While there were several seemingly strange and random ingredients, I took a chance, and voila - perfection in a bowl! I share it with you because I care:

Combine 2 cups brown rice and 3 cups water, and cook until tender.

While the rice cooks, combine in a large bowl:
1/2 cup peanut oil
3 T. Chinese sesame oil (I don't know if mine was CHINESE, but it worked)
1/2 cup orange juice
1 medium clove garlic, crushed
1/2 t. crushed red hot pepper (I always use less - just one shake)
2 T. tamari
1 t. salt (the tamari is salty already, so I left this out)
1-2 T. honey (I used agave nectar)

Add the hot rice to the bowlful of dressing. Mix well and add:

2-3 scallions, minced
2 stalks celery, finely minced
1/2 lb. fresh mung bean sprouts (I don't know if Steve bought MUNG, but they were the bigger kind)
1/2 c. raisins
1/2 c. chopped peanuts
1/2 c. toasted cashew pieces (we didn't have any, so I used raw pecan pieces, and it was delish)
2 T. sesame seeds (I used black, and it looked really posh)
1 each cut up green and red pepper
1 c. thinly slice water chestnuts

Even our 8 year loved this salad - it's a touch heavy on the dressing, so you may want to add more rice/scallions/celery/bean sprouts/peppers. I can't wait to serve this at our next potluck! Tasty tasty tasty...

dreamy

Steve would probably be embarrassed if he knew I was blogging this, but somehow I think it's important, even if I can't figure out exactly HOW. Maybe by writing it will come to me. I've had a thing for John McGinley for over 2 years now. If you don't know, John plays Dr. Cox in "Scrubs." Funny, but he's exactly the polar opposite of everything I believe in. He hates New Age and meditation, health food and emotions. On and on. That's not the point. There's just something about the way he grits his teeth, grimaces, and interlocks his hands over his head that just sends me. Seriously.

Steve's used to me having things for actors. Take John Corbett. I was SERIOUSLY hung up on him for several years (still am, sort of - have you SEEN him in "My Big Fat Greek Wedding?" Sigh). So it was with GREAT excitement that John McGinley came to me last night in my dreams. Yippee yahoo. Our faces drew closer and closer, then I said, "Is this infidelity?"

WHAT???? In a DREAM? You've GOT to be kidding me! Me, have morals even in my dreams? I wouldn't do anything with dreamy dreamy Dr. Cox, er, John McGinley, and the dream was over. Sigh. My point is this: why in the world would I stay faithful even in my dreams? I'm thinking it's because I feel pretty much the same way in my dreams as I do in waking. I wouldn't be unfaithful in "real" life, nor, apparently, in "fake" dreaming life. That is to say, my consciousness is full and awake and aware, even in my dreams. I know what's going on. I told Steve he should be happy that I'm faithful even in my dreams - that just shows how loyal I am - to give up on some fun with Dr. Cox, er, John McGinley? So, what does that say about anything? I don't know, really - maybe something about the integrating of left and right brain energies so that it's all more cohesive and blended, giving us more complete access to all experiences? As above, so below?

I noticed an evolving of my work, even just in the past two weeks, like there's no more difference in my source of information and myself, as if the two are now seamlessly overlaid. When I work, it's just ME. Why would that be cool? Because if that's true for all of us, we no longer have to "work" to be intuitive - it's just a natural part of who we are, probably as it was in the very beginning, before we got all bogged down with the "real" world. I feel more energized, peaceful, centered and calm - everything's not just all right, it's perfect. I can always tell when that feeling comes over me, because I almost want to cry when I look at a tree - it's so beautiful. That's how I feel about everything. Then I know I'm in that unity place, and again, I'm there now, and I'm so eternally grateful. It's not as if I WASN'T there those times before, but I was sidetracked by the other stuff working through. But now I'm consciously here again, and let me tell you it's paradise. Nothing makes me happier than making vegetable stew and risotto style barley for my fam, or reading Molly Moon to Bill, or swinging on the swings at the park, or helping a client or writing. Everything makes me happy, nothing's bringing me down.

On another note, check out Karen Bishop's newest energy alert at www.whatsuponplanetearth.com. I thought it was interesting that she spoke of releasing our patterns of empathy, because that is lower energy that brings us down. How? By us focusing on other people's lives, we take on their energy, and it's messing us up. I think I blogged about that a week or so ago, so it's always cool for me to read that other people are getting the same information. See, it's ALL new, unfolding one step at a time, so all anyone can do is read it one step at a time. But that's enough.

John McGinley and dreams? Try again, John - maybe we can have coffee and just talk about things. Maybe it's good to be friends, first. In the meantime, Stevie, you're darn lucky I'm such a good girl - John is just SO dreamy... (but nothing even CLOSE to how dreamy YOU are, sweetie). "Good answer," my sweet husband would say. "Good answer."

it's a beautiful day

I'm so glad whatever it was has blown over. I felt it lift the same time as the clouds lifted yesterday afternoon. I started humming, singing, and dancing (yes, dancing), decluttering, running (yes, running) around until Steve finally suggested that I "calm down a little." Maybe he was just jealous? Probably not. The enthusiasm and energy remains today (thank goodness) as I get all of my work done. It feels so good to finally have the clear head TO plow through my long list of "must-dos." The sun is still shining, it's warm outside (probably 60, which for us here in Fargo is pretty darn warm come the end of April). I'm excited to do the meditation up at Total Balance this coming Sunday. I've discovered a brand new meditation that works to establish and build the communications between Body, Mind, and Spirit in a beautiful, clear way, so I'm excited to share that with everyone. I'll be recording it onto a CD so I can make copies for people who can't make it. Plus, I'll do a short message at the end, because, well, that's ALWAYS a good thing.

Why do I feel so good inside? I don't know - nothing on the outside to link it to, no worries, though, about anything. I tried to remember my grievances over the past few days, and they all just fade like last week's blizzard snow in the hot sun. What's left then? Just me, sitting here with a little smile on my face, ready to go for a long walk outside, to feel the sun on my face and just be so darned grateful that I'm in a really great place. Am I worried about anything? Not one darned thing, and that's a blessed relief, let me tell you, in these days of feeling overwhelmed and confused. Everything just changes so fast that it's nice to feel like I've landed, at least for a while. I won't take this time for granted, or assume naively that it's going to stay like this, but for right now? Right now I'm fully appreciating and acknowledging it. How are YOU feeling? Like something's lifted? After January 1st, something had BETTER be lifting, right? And that's the nice thing - everything changes, even if it's "good" or "bad" - we don't have to wait too awfully long for the next step. Maybe that's why it's such a good idea to have named all of my work "The Next Step." That seems to be what I'm involved with, and it's such a blessing to be able to help in whatever way possible. After all, we're all in this together. I'm off for my walkies - the sidewalk beckons - can you hear it? It's probably the only time you'll hear something say, "Walk all over me, would you?" So I will.

second verse, same as the first?

Changes - I almost typed in ch-ch-changes, then realized I'd already had a title by that name (I think). I'm sitting here, having just ordered the vegetables for tonight's vegetarian stew (yum), am looking out the window at the severe thunderstorm that's blowing in from the southwest, wondering if there'll be hail or a tornado. I'm not ready for that yet - I still don't like lightning, but it doesn't render me comatose anymore (phew). What changes are in the air? Steve was different this weekend. I had no idea what permanent changes there would be in him after the convention, but I trusted they'd be positive, and trusted they'd be permanent. How was he different? Goofy, goofy, goofy. I haven't laughed that hard with he and Bill, well, ever. And it felt good, like cool moist air blowing across a hot dirt-caked land. I can almost see the seeds poking up out of the soil, can almost feel the fat rain falling on the dry ground. It's been so long. Bill noticed it, too, and asked Steve to help him get the shower started last night (doesn't happen very often). What's ahead? Gosh, I wish I knew. I wish I could wave that magic wand and see what's the "best" thing to do, what the end result is, how it will all end up, but I don't think that's possible anymore, because I think we're all making it up as we go, creating our end results - we're in charge. There's no magical anything out there that's poofing our best into reality. Every step we put on another shingle, or a shutter, or pick the carpet or paint color. We're in charge of building our own houses, and not because "they're" being mean to us, because then we get to decide how it's all going to come together, and isn't that a great idea? That we're not at the mercy of anything or anyone else, but we're grown up enough, spiritually, to be able to figure this stuff out, be empowered? While I'm still a little leery of the whole monumental task at hand (building a life), it's exciting, nonetheless, because, well, I've got some ideas. Here, let me tell you about them, then I want to hear about your ideas for your life. I know they're fabulous. Mine include a lot of warm oatmeal cookies.

oh my...

If you're not doing anything one of these weekends, do yourself a HUGE favor and get tickets to "A Midsummer Night's Dream" playing at the Guthrie through the middle of June. It was THEE funniest, best play I've seen in a LONG time. They modernized it a bit, adding music and dance (LOUD music and raucous dance). Billy loved it all, until the fake death scene at the end, where I covered his eyes, laughing all the time.

Hard to believe we were only gone a little over 24 hours, fitting in lunch at the Good Earth and shopping at the Galleria, dinner at Noodles, the play, and breakfast and a stop at the Albertville outlet mall. We're all exhausted, at 8:09PM, and ready for bed. I'm taking the day off tomorrow to get bids on redoing our bathrooms. Do I have a fun life, or what? (probably "what") Coming home to the beautiful warm sunny day, I'm still feeling the restlessness, but the three of us laughed so hard we couldn't stop sometimes. Especially when we saw a plant, and I wondered if it was real. Steve said, "Yeah, it's real - the bottom leaf is dead." Bill turned to his dad - "YOUR bottom leaf is dead." I couldn't stop laughing - I shouldn't have caught Kari's eye, because she had to turn away she was laughing so hard.

Oh sweetie, your bottom leaf is SO not dead. Seriously... What a great time, what great memories. This is what it's all about, isn't it? The real stuff. The rest? It's just fluff. Give me my family and my friends, the laughs and more laughs - I don't need anything else.

another dream?

We're heading out to the Cities (aka Minneapolis/St. Paul) to see "Midsummer Night's Dream" at the Guthrie - the beautiful new Guthrie. I can't wait. I'm wearing my "outfit." I almost slugged Steve when he asked, "What "outfit"?" Hello - my Taryn Rose shoes with the gold glitter, my white Nieman Marcus dress and green goddess jacket from Florentine's. Oh, and the cute little white clutch - how could he not know? Who IS he? So we get to see Kari, shop at the Galleria, eat at the Good Earth. Oh, can it get any better than this?

We're still talking about our future - what do we want, what's important to us, and I'm bugged by something today, and it's a little thorn in my side, and I can't shake it. A year ago, someone came to me and asked me to stop doing something I'd been doing for 20 years, because they wanted to turn it into a business and make money from it. I said no, they stole my e-mail list, and people thought their business was my fun stuff. When my friends found out, they got upset, felt like they'd been spammed. There's enough for everyone in this world, but whenever I see their business, or hear about other's opinions of this "business" I feel this funny thing in my stomach. I know it's a lesson for me, but I can't get the lesson. Steve can't really help. Let me figure it out. I have issues with helping people, then having them turn around and either use me, take me for granted, or turn their backs on me. So, then I ask myself, am I doing these kind things because I expect something in return? If so, then I'll be upset when they use me, take me for granted, or turn their backs on me, right? But if I'm doing things just for the sheer joy of doing them, nothing should bother me. Yeah, if I'm a saint, I guess. But I'm not - I'm still human (last I checked) and sometimes I DO like to be appreciated and supported and acknowledged (and I AM, don't get me wrong). Is there something wrong with that? I'm not trying to justify my actions, I'm really asking a serious question - IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG WITH THAT? I don't know. If these things are bothering me, I still have a ways to go. I'm sure I'll keep figuring it out.

I'm a little smarter, I think. I don't just jump in every time someone asks me for something - "can I have your 1000 person e-mail list to promote my business? Will you promote my expo? Will you put my cards in your office? Can I use your office for free to teach a class to all of your students and clients?" Uhm, no no no no no. I love everyone, I do, but enough is enough - when you start feeling used, it's your indicator that you're out of balance, and need to refigure things, so that's what I'm doing, have been doing, for over a year now. And it mostly works for me - I have an amazing group of friends that love and support me, I have an amazing family, amazing neighbors and coworkers. So maybe I just need to keep going, keep delving into those dark recesses of my psyche and ego, and keep uncovering those things that would probably rather like to be left covered. Those vulnerable, needy, self-centered, entitled parts that say, "But what about ME?" Sheesh - give me a break. Even that bores ME, and it IS ME!

I'll miss you all, but will return tomorrow evening, full of donkey heads and flowers and magical moments...

talking talking talking

Can you feel it? The change in the air? I can, and I said I wanted it, and now I'm not so sure. We say, "Let's get going, let's go someplace new," and then the opportunity comes up, the wind sweeps through the dusty, old stuff, and you're like, "Whoa hoa - hold on a minute, compadre - I didn't mean THAT kind of change," and you back peddle, but it may be too late. Is it too late for us? Did we intend change so fervently that the Universe said, "Okay, you WILL change - totally." That's what I'm thinking today. I look around at my beautiful house, and everything seems different. We've been in this house for 12 years, the longest we've stayed anywhere, by over two times. What do we want to do? Where do we want to be? How do we want to craft our lives? I don't know I don't know I just don't know.

I love my life. It's simply perfect, and I wouldn't change one single speck. I woke up, made Granny Meyer's oatmeal cookies that I'd chilled the night before. I put together the ziti and sausage bake for dinner, put tin foil over it and popped it into the fridge - all before 8AM. Now I sit, having just installed Office 2008, watching letters on the screen disappear, hoping they'll eventually come back so I can read again. I'm told to "_o_t" my blog, and I'm assuming it's "post" but gosh, you never know, do you?

Maybe that's part of this whole thing - we've been given an update, and it's overridden all the old, and the stuff that's not compatible is falling away. So how do we communicate without half of the known? Without half of the letters in the alphabet? The bottom of this post looks like this: "S : : B , l , , S , " - now what in the heck does THAT mean? I just don't know, and I'm scared, living in this new place, seeing all of these strange things that don't make sense. I don't know what to do, so I'm just going to walk slowly every step of the way, looking at what's right in front of me and making decisions that way. I guess that's all any of us can ever do, anyway, isn't it?

should we do it?

I don't know yet. I need to sleep on it. We looked at lake places today - saw a great one on Upper Cormorant - an exorbitantly huge amount of money, but then, it seems like ALL lake places are these days. But Steve had another idea. I wasn't exactly shocked, because it's been on MY mind a lot lately, more often than not lately. What it all boils down to is this: what will I regret if I don't do? What's important to me? What's important in my life? Family is number one. It's the reason I scaled back my work, it's the reason I cook beautiful meals every night, and the reason I fold the laundry. I love my family. How do we treat those we love? By spending time with them, by showing them we care in a myriad of ways.

I show my mom and dad I love them by taking an active interest in their lives, their health, and their concerns. I make phone calls, write e-mails, bake cookies and Moroccan Lamb Stew. I rub Mom's feet, and do healings on Dad's arthritic thumbs. I run to the pharmacy for their pills, then help Dad lay them all out. It is what I want to do. Do I have regrets? Yes, several right now, but that's not what I want to say. What I want to say is that I think the time has come for everyone (maybe everyone - I really only know for myself) to do exactly what they need to do in their lives, even if it's painful, or difficult, or hard, or you have to say good-bye to someone or something or someplace, or some lifestyle. We just have to DO it - whatever IT is, and I've felt these stirrings since January 1st, and it's not letting up. If anything, they keep getting stronger every day. I feel like I'm being led somewhere, and I still don't know WHERE. I just choose to keep walking. I wake up in the morning and I say "yes" all over again. I find myself saying, "I don't know" a lot these days. Erik asked me about karma this morning, and he said he didn't believe in it. I said, "You know, I really don't know. All I can figure out is what makes sense to me." And I guess that's all I have to say about that (ala "Forrest Gump").

why we're all tired (and feeling yucky)

I love my work. I'll say it again - I LOVE MY WORK. I had the honor of seeing THREE clients today, and learned more each time. Perhaps most fascinating to me was the information that came (out of the blue, believe me) about why everyone's so tired lately, and feeling kind of icky, yucky, nauseous, and out of sorts. The answer's found in the myelin sheath. Now, I've heard that term before, but had no idea of what it really was. I knew it was something in our bodies, and it wrapped around SOMETHING, and protected it, but couldn't remember what. So I just kept talking. We've all been storing a lot of toxins, poisons, and dense energy in our myelin sheaths, and around January 1 (that big jump that has really been kicking my butt, personally) we got everything stored in our myelin sheaths "dumped" out of that area into our systems, causing a demand for a major detox. All of that junk and gunk now floating around in our systems needs to be released out of our bodies, and the work that's demanded for releasing it is making a lot of us really tired, and the toxins are making us feel on and off really crappy.

So then I look at what that means to us, and I'm seeing that by storing that gunk and dense and old energy in our myelin sheaths (which, by the way are the membranes that wrap around the ends of the neurons and protect them - lack of them creates multiple sclerosis - I looked it up), it is like a house whose windows are covered in dried mud. You can't see out, the sun can't get in - everything is blocked. So, now our "windows" are clear and our electrical systems can now connect more fully and completely, without any junk gunking up the works. Makes sense to me. In the meantime, we work with releasing all of that junk. How? I just ask my body what it needs, then I do it. I haven't had much of an appetite these past three days, so I've been eating light, a lot of vegetables and a LOT of water. My stomach's still bloated, and I feel fat, but I just keep on keeping on, staying focused on taking care of my body, and releasing any other thoughts about what I SHOULD be weighing, or how it should all look. That old way of looking at the world just doesn't cut it anymore for me - I've entered into some new, foreign territory that's new each day. I learn things I didn't know about before. Things make sense in new ways to me. They may not make sense to anyone else, but that's okay, because we're each on our journeys alone, discovering this foreign territory that is ourselves. Sure, we have loved ones, friends, and family, but in the end, it's a solo journey. I'll help if I can, pass on information I'm receiving, but in the end, man, it's just one big mystery unfolding every moment.

If we can trust (I put on my "trust" bracelet today, then only noticed I had it on when I was listening to Billy Joel singing "It's just a matter of trust" on the radio - ah, I get it - the message is for me to trust), and that's really difficult sometimes because it's just so d*****d hard sometimes, when you're in the thick of the battle, tired, wondering if you even want to take another step. But if you just stop for a moment, that's all, just a moment, take a deep breath, then you can feel it again - that feeling of peace that overcomes you, and you know, you just know, that everything is all right, everything is going to be all right, and it's all happening exactly the way it's supposed to be happening (even if it's not exactly HOW you thought it should happen, or as fast as it should happen). And in the end, continuing is the only thing you CAN do. That, and trusting.

I don't want to be in-formed

We get the daily newspaper because we want to stay informed. Next time we'll go online to save trees. Our overflowing recycling bin admonishes us daily. I glance over the headlines, hoping to land on something I want to learn more about. Trials, failing economy, Clinton and Obama arguing, homeowners in trouble, banks closing, airlines going under. On and on, my eyes flit and flee before the news. No more, I decide, and close it. I'm going to make up my own daily news, information I want to focus on and think about, so here's the Ekberg Tribune, resurrected from 1969 when the first edition came out.

The Ekberg Tribune
Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Yes, it's true, taxes are due today, but when you look at the total symbolic amount for what your work was worth for the last year, express GRATITUDE that you've made so much money. What abundance, what an amazing creature you are to have earned so much money, and just think of how many people and programs will be benefited from this check you are so lovingly putting in the mailbox before midnight.

My mom is still alive. Not only that, we talk every day, and her voice always sounds chipper. She and Dad are sharp as tacks, an amazing feat in these days of Alzheimer's and dementia. QOL, I always say (quality of life).

The snow has melted! Not a trace is left, and the brave little green grasses are poking tentatively out of the ground - "is it safe yet?" Probably not, but it's safe enough. It's always safe enough.

There's more news about the dangers of plastic in bottles. People are waking up!! They truly and really are. I have faith in the people of the world, and I think it's exponentially coming faster and faster. The next step (I'm praying)? Better food in the lunchrooms, hospitals, and the outlawing (yes, outlawing) of high fructose corn syrup. Oh, and incentives for organic farmers to start up (I have this vision that in the next 5 years the country will be populated by hubs of organic farms and meat processing plants and we will be able to get our produce from within a 100 mile radius - yes, yes, yes - I see it).

The US Government has started a Department for Peace, and I'm the representative from North Dakota. I may have to turn it down, it depends on how this whole school lunch program turns out - right now I'd rather head up THAT committee and get it nationwide.

Friendship Week has been extended to Friendship Millenium, and people are encouraged to call a friend every day and tell them what they love about them. People without friends have a hotline to call to get connected with other friends, or just to talk. It's 1.800.ALL.FRIENDS. Groundbreaking developments every day, so stay tuned.

Therapy cats are now being trained to rent out to lonely people, free of charge and for as long as you want. Jack is among the first to volunteer. He IS awfully fuzzy and cuddly.

Law goes into effect, IMMEDIATELY, that everyone has to receive and give, at least 5 hugs a day. If you haven't reached your quota, you will be required to ask permission, then hug a stranger. Always ask permission.

Well, there you have it - the Ekberg Tribune, full of possibilities for a brighter, gentler world. Please submit your story ideas to me and I'll be glad to post them. Have an enlightened day.

e=mc2 (what's YOUR equation?)

It came while I was doing my tune-in trade for Missy Pooh this morning. I cherish those weekly tune-ins, as they always invigorate me, give me fresh insight and new information that's so valuable right now in these murky times. Most interesting to me at this juncture is the idea that we're currently grappling with our own unique "soul equations" right now, and that's why most of us are feeling exhausted, frustrated, and restless as we try to "get" it. Remember in junior high and high school when you were learning new theories in math? At first you'd see the teacher write down this LONG equation, full of x's and y's and maybe even some other letters that weren't numbers, and you'd be thinking, "now how in the world am I going to figure all of THAT out?" Yet, it was kind of like magic, because by simply changing some of those numbers around, you would get a whole new outcome, just using that one standard equation. Magic! So the thought is that we each have our own unique equation, full of variables. The length of our equation, the difficulty, is determined by our spiritual strengths, and our desire to be able to DO more. To DO more, we need more complicated equations.

So, it appears that the FIRST thing we need to do is figure out WHAT our equation looks like (not even to mention figuring out how to solve it). If we don't know ourselves, we can't know our potentials or our gifts or our possibilities. So I remember a dream I had several years ago. I was in a classroom and the teacher was writing this LONG equation on the board. Before I could stay in class to get the definition, I was called out to help other people. By the time I got back, the class was over. I panicked, and told the teacher I'd missed the explanation because I was out helping others. He handed me a book and said, "No worries - all the answers are in this book." So in the dream, even though I'd apparently missed the explanation part because I was so busy taking care of others (a life issue of mine), I knew that when I needed the information I'd be able to access it, even if I didn't understand it all now. And I think that's exactly what happened to me, and what is unfolding for us right now. So, we need to first figure out WHAT our equation is, then totally focus on it.

I hear others tell me, "What's the big deal? This is easy - you're making it too difficult," so now I think that may be because their equation is 2+2=4, or something like that, so it IS easy for them - that's the equation they picked. But everyone's equations are different, so it doesn't do any good to compare or judge. I can't say, "Well, I'm superior because my equation is WAY long," or "you're not trying hard enough because you have a short equation." We all, on some level, at some time, for some reason, picked our unique equations, and I believe those equations are nothing less than the blueprint of our Souls, the map that will lead us back to ourselves. We're all unique, right? There's no one else like in this whole Universe, before, now, or tomorrow, right? So that's our unique equation. Our variables are our gifts, our Helpers, our desires, our past lives - you and I might both have an X in our equations, but mine is coupled with a Y right there in the beginning, and yours is toward the end. You get it? Similar parts, but put together differently, shaped by different events and situations.

It's not a question of who gets done first, or who is fastest - it's who figures it out. And in the end, that's the only thing that really matters. So I can't help you figure your equation out - I can only act as an inspiration and live my equation, thus inspiring you to figure yours out. You can't wish for someone else's equation - doesn't work that way, but you can pull all your energies into your own precious life and concentrate on figuring your own out, and I guarantee you that your equation is perfectly you - it's exactly what you've been looking for your entire life, heck, for ALL of your lifetimes, since this all began. You won't be disappointed. Now it's just a question of believing that's true, asking for Help, and being willing to be tutored in your own specially-designed math class. Don't worry - you'll get it. There's no such thing as failure - it's just a matter of time. And desire. How badly do you want it?

okay, so I'm not so mad anymore...

But I was. I felt betrayed, set up, almost. It felt like Steve could get the nomination if we only visualized it hard enough, if we only believed in it, 100%. So I did visualizations every night - imagined everyone in the state feeling Steve's great energy, hearing his name, perking up whenever they saw him. Every single night, religiously. I stayed open, I meditated, I prayed. I kept saying, "if this is in our Highest Good, let it be." I supported him, giving up hundreds of hours to do all the behind-the-scenes work, willingly, and lovingly, because I believe in him, and I wanted him to be happy and follow his dream. He believed it, too. Rats - I'm getting angry again as I'm typing this, but I'll go ahead and keep pushing on through, to try to gain some clarity through the fog. I think sometimes that's the only way. If we're stuck and can't see, or feel like our feet are in the mud, it doesn't do any good to just sit and complain and pout. That won't move us out of it. The only way to move out of the fog and mud is to keep walking. Eventually you'll see clean, fresh air again, and feel the ground solid beneath you. The fog doesn't last forever, just in patches, and just sometimes, right?

So we felt the letdown for these past two weeks, slowing down to a crawl, feeling really tired and drained. Understandably so, after all the hours and work, traveling, planning, phone calls, e-mails, and handshakes. But Steve's upset, too, thinking his intuition was really leading him to the nomination. It's almost worse for me to feel HIS shaken faith, because I'm used to getting mad at my "higher ups" - I've been with this for so many years, it's all like one big family. And sometimes you get mad at family, don't you? But you come back, and you always love them. So I asked Steve about it, and he said if something good DOES come out of all of this, then he'll be okay with it, but nothing (continues) to unfold for him, so he waits. And I wait. But I'm used to waiting, aren't I? The good little patient one - NOT. I'm not patient, I'm restless most of the time, liking the forward motion that comes with living and working with decisions and plans. But that's not happening now, and hasn't really happened in my life for a couple of years. I gave up that control, and decided to be led for a while. It made me feel calmer, until all of this. Now I don't know what to do anymore.

I walked out of the grocery store this afternoon, and apologized for being so mean. I heard these simple words: "don't worry about anything - just rest." I don't know what means - don't I have to be doing something? Shouldn't I be doing something? Making phone calls, meeting with people, planning things? I guess not. Just rest. Which in my world translates into taking care of Bill, the house, Steve, and seeing my clients, writing the column, this blog, working on Dad's book and my nutrition class. That's my rest. But I'm really not mad, if I dig way down deep, because all along I said "if it's in our Highest Good," so it obviously wasn't in our HG, and I'd be the world's worst hypocrite if I didn't really believe that to the core of my being. And I DO believe that. It's just that sometimes I feel like a petulant child - "But you PROMISED!!" But we NEEDED to believe in ourselves, 100%, to do this - if I'd thought he didn't have a chance (and there WERE times when I thought that, to be honest), why both at all? If you don't put yourself totally into something you believe in, you'll never succeed -- at anything. So I know we did the right thing, and did it the right way, and for the right reasons, and I'm not even really mad anymore, but I still don't know what that next step is, and I keep hearing that it's right around the corner, but then I've been hearing THAT for more than two years now. I guess we'll just have to remain patient and wait to see what keeps unfolding. Oh yeah, and see who's the Biggest Loser next Tuesday night (go Ali!).

hi-lite of my day

It was so good to see Mom and Dad. I cooked my "famous" french chicken cassoulet and risotto style barley for lunch, and made a quadruple batch of their favorite piquant meatloaf to freeze. I researched lighterweight wheelchairs for Mom, and even managed a trip to Barnes and Noble for some R&R. Oh, AND an ionic foot cleanse from the Dakota Natural Center - lovely. They loved the Reiki I'd done for them the night before, putting them both into a nice, deep sleep. It was hard to leave them - it always is. I feel guilty and badly when I'm in Fargo, that I'm not with them, helping, and I feel sad when I'm in Bismarck, missing Bill and Steve. Is it always that way? I suppose so. But I kissed them both good-bye and headed east. We had to get to the Harlem Globetrotters by 7PM.

I'd seen them when I was about Bill's age. I can only remember Meadowlark Lemmon, although I know there were a whole bunch of really great athletes and basketball players. Bill was so excited. I don't know how we landed such awesome seats, right down on the main floor, in the front, in the end court, but there we were. They came out to members of the audience, coaxing "Roxanne" to dance with them, throwing water on others. It was loads of fun. Bill bought a basketball to have the sign later. Hi-Lite left the game and came over to me, a 6'5" Harlem Globetrotter. He took my hand and started talking to me, telling me I was pretty. I was SO embarrassed, I started patting his hand. Seriously. Like you would a child's hand. He took his hand away, then brought it back and asked me to do it again, smiling for the crowd. I did, but I could feel my face burning red. Seriously. Bill says, in a kind of louder voice, "She's married, you know." I started laughing really loudly, and so did everyone around us.

After the game, we stood in line to get the ball signed, and there was Hi-Lite. He pointed at me and said, " I remember YOU," then gave me a high five. I suppose I have that "sucker" look to me, seeing as Globey, the mascot, tickled me horribly while we were getting our picture taken with him, but it's all in good fun, I'm thinking, and adding up the night's costs (the ball was $25!!), I thought of the Mastercard ad - Harlem Globetrotters tickets - $42.50, basketball - $25 - bavarian almonds - $4 - time with your son - PRICELESS. AND the hi-lite of my day, to be sure.

stranger than fiction

I went back to Lincoln at 4PM to take the recyclables over to the center across the parking lot. I loaded the three full bags into a garbage can on wheels, and made my way out the back door, car keys in hand. I unloaded the bags in front of the 8 foot high, chainlink, locked receptacle. I hefted the biggest one, gained momentum by swinging it back and forth a few times, then heaved it over the top... along with my keys. I just stood there, looking through the chain link, then the corrugated plastic, then the tarp at the pile of cans rising at least 5 feet in the air. I walked all around - solid chain link. I looked over at my car, just sitting there, innocently waiting for me to get back in and drive back home. Just sitting there, along with my cell phone in the front seat.

I walked around the receptacle a second time. Think think think. I can't drive home, I can't call anyone, I can't break in. Or can I? I walked to the back and noticed that some of the chain link in the corner at the bottom was pulled back. I pulled it back a little more, then reached in and tried to pull back some of the corrugated plastic. There's a hole in the tarp! And what's sitting there, at the bottom of the heap, in the corner, staring right at me? My keys. I reached in with my right hand, blindly, groping around, touching can after can, now kneeling, not low enough, now laying flat on the wet concrete, my left arm out to my side to help me keep my balance, my right hand stretching as far as it could go. Was that my keys? No - just another can. How far down do these cans go? Down down. I wondered for a brief moment what I looked like. I wondered what I'd say to the policeman when he came over to investigate the crazy woman trying to break into the aluminum can collection site. I wondered why there was a hole in the tarp in the first place if nobody had ever tried to break in before, and if so, why? Maybe they'd heaved THEIR keys over the top, too.

About to give up, feeling my right wrist chafing and burning, I finally closed in the car door opener part of my keys, and thought I heard my car alarm go off. Oh god, seriously. People were still streaming out of the school, the carnival now over, me lying on the ground, now my left leg hovering about a foot over my right leg, my left arm still out. I quickly pulled my hand out, WITH my keys, brushed off my jeans, noticed the red welt raising on my wrist, and nonchalantly walked to my car, waving at everyone, got in and quickly drove off.

slow and steady

I put one foot in front of the other, not knowing where I'll be after my next foot is placed. I don't know what's around the next corner, I can't even really see where I've been, because I went so far so fast, and the terrain is filled with fog that has not yet burned off. So, while I can't see, I can still trust - I can put my instrument panel on auto pilot and trust it, instead of my usual five senses. They teach you that in piloting school. Very quickly you can get land and sky mixed up, and if you DON'T trust your instruments, you'll crash.

How can we get basic up and down mixed up? If you spin around really fast, everything gets mixed up. We lose our bearing. I've lost my old bearing, much as I think others have, as well. Our OLD reliable way of measuring things and planning things and controlling things. All gone. Our outward landmarks and rudders, gone. What's left? Just ourselves, and we'd better get integrated and grounded and centered awfully fast, because life isn't slowing down any. In fact, in many respects, it feels like it's speeding up. What's speeding up? The removal of the old, the falling away, I call it. What's falling away in YOUR life? Sometimes I can still feel like the old Susie, but increasingly I look at myself in the mirror, or tune in to myself, and everything is different. Well, not different, really, just MORE. More of me, if that makes sense. Like I'M included in a bigger house, or balloon, or whatever symbol you can use. I've burst my borders, and that's good, because the old is limiting and conditional and rigid. But it's a process, it certainly is. It's just too much to think about right now, so I'm just living in each moment, without much thought for what's coming ahead. I don't believe the promises that "it's right around the corner," because that next corner never comes. I still believe that I can't see the whole picture, and I still HAVE to believe that there's a higher plan at work, or this would all just be too difficult.

I will blog right now, then help Bill take a shower before the carnival. Then I will walk. Then I will make dinner. Then we will read. Then we will sleep. Then I will teach Sunday School. Then I will walk again. Then I have no idea what's next. We have a big governor's dinner on Monday, which will be fun. Then I'll go to Bismarck for the rest of the week to see Mom and Dad, coming home in time to take Bill to the Harlem Globetrotters. John Scott's coming to town for his art opening, and that's always a party. Then we head to the Cities to see a Midsummer Night's Dream and give Kari some hugs. Then she graduates, and moves onto another leg of her journey, and then I think there's that change again, and I don't want to think about that, so I'll concentrate on heating up last night's stir fry and drinking a lot of water with lemon in it. THAT I can handle - the rest? Too much. Too much.

divine reason

Last night was magical. I'm so thankful to Florie out at Florentine's de Paris for asking me to be a part of her fashion show. I realize I've known Florie for over 20 years, since she was at the Holiday Mall in Moorhead. Sadly, my camera died before I could take a picture of me in my third outfit, the one in which I actually had cleavage (!), but I believe in reasons for everything, but I couldn't even post the other two pics as my camera's STILL dead, even after charging it. I must've been so beautiful that it broke (I'd hate to think it was the opposite reason).

I got a phone call yesterday from a friend asking me about what's going on with everyone right now. So I told her I'd blog about what I know is the most recent "happening" on the energy scene. Again, we're all going through this at the same time, so even though we experience things differently, there's no "experts" out there - just different experiences and different perspectives. I throw my experience and perspective into the mix, then.

What I think this current energy feeling is, is the concrete realization that we've moved into a new place of being, where our old junk no longer resides. We may still be trying to hold onto the old, but it just isn't working, and that's upsetting a whole LOT of us. I know personally I'm trying to hold onto some things and it's making me really sad. I've got a few friends that I've had to recently let go of. It's like we're looking at each other on opposite sides of a window. No right or wrong, just not resonating anymore. I've had to let go of thinking I can control my work. Clients still schedule, but I don't have that burning desire to be out there in the forefront teaching and leading anymore. I did it for 20 years, and it's time to release and move on. I like to keep getting, and getting, and getting, and never letting anything go. Now, I'm not a packrat, but energetically-speaking, I don't like good-byes of any sort. We're being faced with all sorts of relationship, health, friendship, work, home, and emotional issues right now. We're just not getting any breaks, and it seems that the more stuff we're hanging onto, the more drag we're going to be feeling as that makes MORE for us to be dealing with. The easiest time seems to be had by those who open their hands, palms up, and who say, "I'm open." I try to remember to do that, but it gets tough.

I'm sitting here with a little redness on the left side of my throat, a combination of the stress of Steve's surgery, the convention, and facing all that's coming up, whether we perceive it to be good OR bad. This restlessness? It comes from wondering if we're living our lives to the fullest, if we're doing what we WANT to be doing, or if we're just coasting. It's like we're all instantly waking up, and are able to see clearly into every aspect of our lives. There's so much to do, how will we have the time or energy to do it all? We wonder. And we get supported by others, but gone are the days when we can just sit back and expect others to do it FOR us. I spoke with Gwen Rust about that last night, and I told her I've spent approximately the last three years taking care of everybody else, helping them with their dreams, or their health, or their life, and I've just about had enough. I want to live MY life, live my dreams (much less have anyone help ME with MY dreams), and I'm not angry or resentful, I'm just realizing that I've given myself to others for long enough now, and I think that's what a lot of other people are feeling.

Imagine everyone as individual energy currents running vertically. Now imagine that every time you go out of your own life (energy field) and DO something for someone else, a line of energy veers off of your own current line. If everyone is going around doing that, nobody is living IN their own lives, they're all enmeshed and just a part of everyone else's lives, so energetically we've all been shaken up to re-establish those energy current lines to just be our own. Everybody now has their own lives, their own energies, and it's no longer possible to take care of others by giving them your energy (it never was really possible before, but we acted like it was). So if we're still trying to do that, we're getting frustrated. If we really did it in the past (uh hum - Queen speaking here), it's taking some getting used to to NOT do that anymore. There are no more victims, no more martyrs, no more enablers, no more abusers - we're all 100% responsible for our lives and our actions, and it's tough love in action, but in the end, it's going to be really great, because then we'll all be empowered to live our lives fully, no limitations.

How long will all of this continue? I used to put time limits on it, but now I realize this is an ongoing process, and will continue to unfold and refine for the rest of our lives. The thing I need to be reminding myself is that it IS all good, and we're in good hands, and there IS some reason for this seeming madness. Even when I get really pissed and frustrated, I just take a moment, step back, take a few deep breaths, and walk again, albeit a little slower, like I am right now. We can never stop permanently on this spiritual journey, we can only take a breather, rest for a while, or slow down. I'd recommend you don't try to sprint, however - that will just tired you out REALLY quickly, and from what I can see, it's a looooooooooooong trip.

a model citizen

Yes, I will be a model in a fashion show tonight. Yes, I will look hot. Yes, I bought two of the three outfits I will be modeling. Yes, this is important at this time in my life. Why? Because today part of me is feeling like life has kicked me in the teeth a couple of times these past months, and I'm feeling a little tired of life. Yes, we all know it's lifelike, and yes, most of the time I'm Pollyanna with my rose-tinted glasses, the optimist amongst the horse poo saying, "I just KNOW there's a pony in here somewhere!" But today, even with the sun shining beautifully and warmly on my skin, and even after my one hour power walk, and even after eating an aggression cookie (okay, TWO), I'm still feeling bone tired in my soul. I called Maggie and told her. Her answer? A trip to the day spa, so we go there on Saturday after the carnival.

But it goes beyond that at this point - this feeling adrift, floating, not grounded or certain of anything anymore. Part of me wants to pack it all in and just move (I've heard there are rumors floating around that that's what's happening anyway), part of me wants to buy a lake place and escape to the waters, part of me wants to fly someplace and just SIT for a while, part of me wants to just sit and hold Billy Boy and breathe deeply. So there I am - several parts of me all wanting something different, and in the meantime, I'm just standing here not knowing what's going on. I know a lot of other people are feeling that way, and I'm one of the strongest people I know, and if I feel this way, how must others be feeling? Lost, out of control (an issue of mine), without purpose or guidance, alone, adrift. Like, as I say, the bread hollowed out without the spinach dip. Everything inside of you is scraped clean, and you're waiting for the cool stuff, the cool thing to come back in and fill you up, to replace what was taken out, you wait, you wait... nothing. So that's how it feels today - like nothing. Not that that's bad, mind you, but I'm tired of the hard work, I'm tired of the being patient, and "it's just around the corner" kind of encouragement. Where's the darned corner???? I never seem to get around it - it's always just up ahead.

So I've decided just to sit here and wait for the blasted corner to find ME. I'm done with the walking, the doing, the striving for, the eternal last chance workout with Jillian to get the title of Biggest Loser (okay, so now you know what I do on Tuesday nights). It may well all be for my Highest Good, but right now my human side is wasted, tired out, spent. I need to recuperate, reevaluate everything, get my bearings. I'll let you know what I figure out. How are YOU feeling these days?

I think I got it backwards

I started my life as a universalist - believing I was one with the Universe, talking to rocks and grass and animals, and listening to them. I lived in this dreamlike world where everything kind of all blurred together. Then I entered into the Church world of rules and regs, of waiting for the end of the world, and receiving the gift of tongues, of praying for other's souls, of marching in front of the abortion clinic, of serving on church boards and cooking tater tot casseroles for funerals. Then I did a 180 and entered the world of the spiritual folks, that wide open world where anything seemed to go, and not much was cohesive. There were no real landmarks or help anywhere, just a lot of people shouting that THEY had the best, the fastest, the only answer for you.

I navigated through those waters for several years, carving out my identity and thoughts and beliefs, laying older beliefs aside, embracing new ones, embracing old ones previously discarded. I saw some similarities in the old church system and the new, supposedly improved "enlightened" system. Ours is the best, ours is the oldest, more respected, most powerful, thee only. I didn't fit that peg, either. I got hurt and betrayed and disrespected and yes, persecuted, but kept going, firmly believing in the thought that we are all ultimately responsible for our own lives and our paths we choose to take. So I kept creating and refining my life, watching with interest the twists and turns it took, especially in these past 3 years. I went from overweight and unhealthy to slim and amazingly perfectly healthy. I went from leaving the Reiki community to stepping back lovingly to let the Masters I helped fly out of the nest to come into their own. I went essentially from being ONLY spiritual to being EVERYTHING. I learned (and am still learning) that I can be IN the world FULLY and still be myself. I learned I don't have to cut myself off from the rest of the world to do my work - it's imperative to be fully here so we CAN help others in the best way possible. And I'm doing that, just by being myself. I can see it when others look at me - something's different, and it's good.

So for me, it was all about taking this next step into integration that marks another important step in my maturation process. I'm growing up into the fullness of being. I'm not apart or separate from anyone or anything. I go to church, I teach Sunday School, I pray, I read the Bible, I meditate, I do yoga, I do my work, and there's no separation. I look around and see others who were where I just came from, and I just smile - you'll walk through that door someday, I want to say, but I don't. I just smile, knowing that those who've walked through the next door are smiling BACK at me. It's a discovery we all have to make on our own, and there's nothing good or bad about any of it. It all just IS. And I have to say I'm LOVING where I am right now - I feel so loved and embraced and supported and respected by the general community - I feel a PART OF, which is important to me.

Those great Republicans have created this big ol' warm spot right there in the center of my heart. I love Democrats, too - most of my friends are Democrats, so that's not the point. The point is this: I'm finding my family, and it's not about blood or politics or religion or ANY of that - it's maybe more about finding myself in all of this, and holding onto that. Yes, maybe THAT'S the point of this all. I know we've turned a corner, Steve and I, and nothing will ever be the same again. Would I have predicted this moment? Not on your life! Would I wish for our lives to be any different than they are right now? Not on your life! Do I know what's next for us? Not on your life! On OUR lives, yes - but on YOUR life? No - you've got your own life.

So, maybe I didn't get it backwards, maybe I'm just drawing the last part of the circle to connect all the different parts of my life - experiencing the wholeness, then the separateness on the left, then the separateness on the right, to connecting all so I can be the circle, and live my life from the center of that circle. Yes, that's it.

what a difference a day makes

I'm sitting here listening to the Bach Concerto in D Minor for Two Violins, the Largo, the one that Dad, Nancy and I used to play all of the time (I played the piano), and it DOES bring tears to my eyes. All those memories - standing in the piano room at the black upright piano, Dad behind me on the left, Nancy on my right. Dad played first violin, so Nancy would start out the Largo, then Dad would come in a few measures later with that haunting, lilting high E as it holds, suspended - you'll just have to listen to it sometimes - breathtakingly and achingly beautiful.

Yesterday was a tough tough day - I felt like a watermelon that was hollowed out, only there was no fruit salad! Then Steve came home from work and showed me his laptop. There were almost 100 e-mails from delegates all over the state. The main phrase was that he and I were a "class act." I don't know how much of this is sinking in for either of it, but it's nice to hear. Then this morning I got an e-mail from one of my favorite brothers-in-law, Jot, who lives in Minneapolis. That was the first that made me cry, so I want to share it:

Dear Susie and Steve,
I just learned of your disappointing news. I’m so sorry. Yet as I think of your effort I am reminded of Teddy Roosevelt’s famous quote from 1910:
It is not the critic who counts, nor the man who points how the strong man stumbled or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena; whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly...who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, and spends himself in a worthy cause; who, at best, knows the triumph of high achievement; and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat.
Steve, you did great. This may not be your time, but take pride in trying, in striving, in getting your face dusty, sweaty and bloody. I’m proud of you!

Jot

To feel that unbelievable and solid love and support means the world to ME (I won't speak for Steve). Roosevelt's quote was an EXACT duplicate of what Steve went through, and maybe that's why I cry - it was so incredible to see his great enthusiasm and devotion, spending himself in a worthy cause, and yes, his failing while daring greatly. He is definitely NOT a cold and timid soul. But still - to see the one you love get so beat up is difficult, at the very least. I want to just hold him and tell him I'll go talk to the teachers, but wait - he's not my child! I want to tell him I'll talk to someone about it, but wait - there's no one to "talk to about it" because it just IS. And we're both grown up. So I just stand at his side and quietly take his hand, and pat it sometimes. I think he knows what that means.