a model citizen

Yes, I will be a model in a fashion show tonight. Yes, I will look hot. Yes, I bought two of the three outfits I will be modeling. Yes, this is important at this time in my life. Why? Because today part of me is feeling like life has kicked me in the teeth a couple of times these past months, and I'm feeling a little tired of life. Yes, we all know it's lifelike, and yes, most of the time I'm Pollyanna with my rose-tinted glasses, the optimist amongst the horse poo saying, "I just KNOW there's a pony in here somewhere!" But today, even with the sun shining beautifully and warmly on my skin, and even after my one hour power walk, and even after eating an aggression cookie (okay, TWO), I'm still feeling bone tired in my soul. I called Maggie and told her. Her answer? A trip to the day spa, so we go there on Saturday after the carnival.

But it goes beyond that at this point - this feeling adrift, floating, not grounded or certain of anything anymore. Part of me wants to pack it all in and just move (I've heard there are rumors floating around that that's what's happening anyway), part of me wants to buy a lake place and escape to the waters, part of me wants to fly someplace and just SIT for a while, part of me wants to just sit and hold Billy Boy and breathe deeply. So there I am - several parts of me all wanting something different, and in the meantime, I'm just standing here not knowing what's going on. I know a lot of other people are feeling that way, and I'm one of the strongest people I know, and if I feel this way, how must others be feeling? Lost, out of control (an issue of mine), without purpose or guidance, alone, adrift. Like, as I say, the bread hollowed out without the spinach dip. Everything inside of you is scraped clean, and you're waiting for the cool stuff, the cool thing to come back in and fill you up, to replace what was taken out, you wait, you wait... nothing. So that's how it feels today - like nothing. Not that that's bad, mind you, but I'm tired of the hard work, I'm tired of the being patient, and "it's just around the corner" kind of encouragement. Where's the darned corner???? I never seem to get around it - it's always just up ahead.

So I've decided just to sit here and wait for the blasted corner to find ME. I'm done with the walking, the doing, the striving for, the eternal last chance workout with Jillian to get the title of Biggest Loser (okay, so now you know what I do on Tuesday nights). It may well all be for my Highest Good, but right now my human side is wasted, tired out, spent. I need to recuperate, reevaluate everything, get my bearings. I'll let you know what I figure out. How are YOU feeling these days?