another dream?

We're heading out to the Cities (aka Minneapolis/St. Paul) to see "Midsummer Night's Dream" at the Guthrie - the beautiful new Guthrie. I can't wait. I'm wearing my "outfit." I almost slugged Steve when he asked, "What "outfit"?" Hello - my Taryn Rose shoes with the gold glitter, my white Nieman Marcus dress and green goddess jacket from Florentine's. Oh, and the cute little white clutch - how could he not know? Who IS he? So we get to see Kari, shop at the Galleria, eat at the Good Earth. Oh, can it get any better than this?

We're still talking about our future - what do we want, what's important to us, and I'm bugged by something today, and it's a little thorn in my side, and I can't shake it. A year ago, someone came to me and asked me to stop doing something I'd been doing for 20 years, because they wanted to turn it into a business and make money from it. I said no, they stole my e-mail list, and people thought their business was my fun stuff. When my friends found out, they got upset, felt like they'd been spammed. There's enough for everyone in this world, but whenever I see their business, or hear about other's opinions of this "business" I feel this funny thing in my stomach. I know it's a lesson for me, but I can't get the lesson. Steve can't really help. Let me figure it out. I have issues with helping people, then having them turn around and either use me, take me for granted, or turn their backs on me. So, then I ask myself, am I doing these kind things because I expect something in return? If so, then I'll be upset when they use me, take me for granted, or turn their backs on me, right? But if I'm doing things just for the sheer joy of doing them, nothing should bother me. Yeah, if I'm a saint, I guess. But I'm not - I'm still human (last I checked) and sometimes I DO like to be appreciated and supported and acknowledged (and I AM, don't get me wrong). Is there something wrong with that? I'm not trying to justify my actions, I'm really asking a serious question - IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG WITH THAT? I don't know. If these things are bothering me, I still have a ways to go. I'm sure I'll keep figuring it out.

I'm a little smarter, I think. I don't just jump in every time someone asks me for something - "can I have your 1000 person e-mail list to promote my business? Will you promote my expo? Will you put my cards in your office? Can I use your office for free to teach a class to all of your students and clients?" Uhm, no no no no no. I love everyone, I do, but enough is enough - when you start feeling used, it's your indicator that you're out of balance, and need to refigure things, so that's what I'm doing, have been doing, for over a year now. And it mostly works for me - I have an amazing group of friends that love and support me, I have an amazing family, amazing neighbors and coworkers. So maybe I just need to keep going, keep delving into those dark recesses of my psyche and ego, and keep uncovering those things that would probably rather like to be left covered. Those vulnerable, needy, self-centered, entitled parts that say, "But what about ME?" Sheesh - give me a break. Even that bores ME, and it IS ME!

I'll miss you all, but will return tomorrow evening, full of donkey heads and flowers and magical moments...