okay, so I'm not so mad anymore...

But I was. I felt betrayed, set up, almost. It felt like Steve could get the nomination if we only visualized it hard enough, if we only believed in it, 100%. So I did visualizations every night - imagined everyone in the state feeling Steve's great energy, hearing his name, perking up whenever they saw him. Every single night, religiously. I stayed open, I meditated, I prayed. I kept saying, "if this is in our Highest Good, let it be." I supported him, giving up hundreds of hours to do all the behind-the-scenes work, willingly, and lovingly, because I believe in him, and I wanted him to be happy and follow his dream. He believed it, too. Rats - I'm getting angry again as I'm typing this, but I'll go ahead and keep pushing on through, to try to gain some clarity through the fog. I think sometimes that's the only way. If we're stuck and can't see, or feel like our feet are in the mud, it doesn't do any good to just sit and complain and pout. That won't move us out of it. The only way to move out of the fog and mud is to keep walking. Eventually you'll see clean, fresh air again, and feel the ground solid beneath you. The fog doesn't last forever, just in patches, and just sometimes, right?

So we felt the letdown for these past two weeks, slowing down to a crawl, feeling really tired and drained. Understandably so, after all the hours and work, traveling, planning, phone calls, e-mails, and handshakes. But Steve's upset, too, thinking his intuition was really leading him to the nomination. It's almost worse for me to feel HIS shaken faith, because I'm used to getting mad at my "higher ups" - I've been with this for so many years, it's all like one big family. And sometimes you get mad at family, don't you? But you come back, and you always love them. So I asked Steve about it, and he said if something good DOES come out of all of this, then he'll be okay with it, but nothing (continues) to unfold for him, so he waits. And I wait. But I'm used to waiting, aren't I? The good little patient one - NOT. I'm not patient, I'm restless most of the time, liking the forward motion that comes with living and working with decisions and plans. But that's not happening now, and hasn't really happened in my life for a couple of years. I gave up that control, and decided to be led for a while. It made me feel calmer, until all of this. Now I don't know what to do anymore.

I walked out of the grocery store this afternoon, and apologized for being so mean. I heard these simple words: "don't worry about anything - just rest." I don't know what means - don't I have to be doing something? Shouldn't I be doing something? Making phone calls, meeting with people, planning things? I guess not. Just rest. Which in my world translates into taking care of Bill, the house, Steve, and seeing my clients, writing the column, this blog, working on Dad's book and my nutrition class. That's my rest. But I'm really not mad, if I dig way down deep, because all along I said "if it's in our Highest Good," so it obviously wasn't in our HG, and I'd be the world's worst hypocrite if I didn't really believe that to the core of my being. And I DO believe that. It's just that sometimes I feel like a petulant child - "But you PROMISED!!" But we NEEDED to believe in ourselves, 100%, to do this - if I'd thought he didn't have a chance (and there WERE times when I thought that, to be honest), why both at all? If you don't put yourself totally into something you believe in, you'll never succeed -- at anything. So I know we did the right thing, and did it the right way, and for the right reasons, and I'm not even really mad anymore, but I still don't know what that next step is, and I keep hearing that it's right around the corner, but then I've been hearing THAT for more than two years now. I guess we'll just have to remain patient and wait to see what keeps unfolding. Oh yeah, and see who's the Biggest Loser next Tuesday night (go Ali!).