Isaiah

I've talked to Bill about mean people. I tell him that if someone is nice, they will be kind to you. If someone loves themselves, they won't call you names. Don't be bothered by those people - consider that they may have a sad family life, or hard circumstances. We just don't know. But we certainly know it isn't about US. Yesterday at the park I heard Bill getting upset. I walked over and he was talking loudly to a little boy. The boy had called him a very unkind name. We've trained Bill in what to say.

Here's how it goes:
Stranger: You're stupid (or whatever - pick an unkind name)
Bill: That's your opinion, and it's my opinion that you're rude
Stranger: That was really stupid
Bill: And that's still your opinion - see how that works?

Or something like that. So I said, "Say it, Bill," and he did, albeit through deep breaths and starts and stops. I looked over at the other boy. He was frowning and standing apart from everyone else. He said Bill had called HIM a name, and on. You know the drill. The playground supervisor made the boy apologize, but still he stayed apart from everyone else, long after Bill had joined his two other friends and were off laughing. Don't get me wrong - I was mad. Kids always find something different about other kids then tease them about it - whatever "it" is. Everyone has their "its" so it doesn't make any sense to me. Still, I walked over to the boy and asked him his name. Isaiah, he said.

"What grade are you in?"
He told me.
"Who's your teacher?"
He told me, looking at me a little sideways. We talked a little more, I said good-bye and joined Bill.

Today I brought Halloween cookies to Bill's class for the Halloween party. As I walked down the hall I heard someone say, "Hi, Bill's mom!" I turned around.

"Isaiah!" I said, and gave him a hug. He gave me a big hug back, smiled, then walked away. Amazing. I'm just grateful that I was open enough to see the gift behind the dark, brooding look and unkind words. There's an angel in there. Maybe in some small way I helped Isaiah remember that, and remember who he really is.

the Queen of Common Sense? Not

I had a little time after my client this morning, so I stopped in to see the cute new shop across the street fro the HoDo (sorry, I can't remember its name). I bought the CUTEST little pepper spray in a leather case with a peace sign on it. I drove home, then read the instructions. They encouraged you to give it a test run so you'd know how to work it in an emergency. I pulled into the garage, opened my car door, and sprayed a jet across the garage into the rack of winter survival gear. Oopsy, I thought, but that's okay - it will clear up before winter flies and I need to put the stuff in the back of my car. Then something hit my lungs and I started coughing, then my eyes started tearing up and I couldn't breathe. I jumped out of my car, opened up both garage doors and slammed the house door shut behind me.

I called Steve and said, "Please don't be angry with me," and he took a deep breath. Unfortunately, those words are not new to his ears. "I'll try not to be," he answered honestly. I told him what had happened, and the workmen who were standing there couldn't stop snickering. Yah, hip hop hilarious, guys. Steve made sure I hadn't sprayed it onto his hunting stuff, or everything would be able to smell him a mile off. I hadn't (I don't think). Then he said to leave the garage doors open for the rest of the day and not let Bill in there at all (he's got this nasty little cough that just won't go away). I think Steve sounded a bit miffed when he said good-bye, but I may be imagining it.

Queen of Common Sense? Okay, not so much, but my heart's in the right place. At least now I know how to protect myself, and hopefully if I need to use the cute pepper spray it won't be in a garage!

standing on the chair

I talked with John today, and he made me cry - twice. Am I mad at him? On the contrary, I am so grateful to be inspired by him. What made me cry? The first thing was that he said whenever he talks to people he stands on a chair, be it sturdy or wobbly or on wheels. He speaks about sometimes realizing you're standing on a chair, and that it's a precarious place to be, because it isn't sturdy, and you feel scared because you're all alone, and then you can become a target. I know he's personally been a target about several things he's stood up for when nobody else would. When he talked about being a target, the tears stung my eyes (yes, tears actually CAN sting). He said, "That's what your whole too-tall Susie thing is about - you're naturally standing on a chair your whole life," and I realize that's true. I would use the phrase "out on a limb all by myself" as I stood alone for almost 20 years in the spiritual community, withstanding blows from various factions and corners, withstanding the wind that shook that branch and threatened to knock me off the tree, all to make it safe and acceptable for everyone to be exactly who they are, no matter how different or new it may be, and I think I've accomplished that. So ... same feeling, different symbolism.

Then he said that what got him through some really tough times (I'm trusting it's okay for me to tell this story) was the absolute certainty that he would be taken care of, no matter what his circumstances looked like on the outside. And times WERE rough for him, and he did worry, but he WAS taken care of. He said it developed a real deep knowing and spirituality inside of him, so I looked at my own life, and my current situation, and what I've been through, and yes, I am well aware that things could always be much worse, but it's been pretty rough for about the last 5 years. Health issues involving my oldest son, mother, and husband. Health issues involving me, work-related hurts (now well healed, thank you), transitions, endings. No different than any of you, I know, but add it all up, and it can get pretty overwhelming.

But just sitting there listening to John, I knew he understands a lot, and he wanted me to know that he understands, and I KNOW that he understands. He's been through a lot, and keeps on going because he knows what he's here to do, and he does it. It isn't an easy job, just as mine isn't, just as yours isn't, but we keep going, because that's the only option. So while I walk, it DOES help to think of that image of being a chair stander, and what that means for me and my life. How has making that choice affected me? How has it helped me to grow into who I am today? I know it's meant everything, even if sometimes I question why in the world I'd choose that harder road when I'm sure there are so many other simpier options out there? I have no idea, I just know that I said yes a LONG time ago, and although I don't regret it, there ARE some days when I'm simply amazed at the whole idea of my life and what I've chosen to do this time around, and sometimes I just have to stand still for a moment and shake my head a little in amazement. The things we do...

a favor, please

It's always hard to do, but I'm asking that if anyone has a free minute, to just send me and our house and family some good, high frequency energy. I'll do the same for you - just ask. I think we're here to help each other, and mostly I try to help everyone else, so it's always a touch harder to ask for something, but I just am, so thank you if you're able to help. It is greatly appreciated.

It is a beautiful, sunny day, and I try to keep my mind focused on all of the good, wonderful, fabulous things, and that helps a lot. I try to keep breathing deeply and not go into any kind of fear or doubt place, but sometimes it gets hard. I think it's partly the season change, and partly the sun shifting in the sky. I really have to watch out for season affective disorder. I hadn't even thought about it in years (I used to use a light box from October through May), but Sunday when it was cloudy, I cried, then Monday when it was sunny, I was singing and lighthearted and happy. Combine that with the grieving of Mom, and some other stuff thrown in, and wow - it gets difficult to just float lightly on top of those waves, but that is what I choose and call to my life - love and goodness and everything else in our Highest Good.

We make choices every moment of our days, whether we'll be angry, or mad, or happy, or sad, or scared, or ecstatic. Is that darned glass half empty of half full? Today the glass just IS, if that makes sense, but that's about the best I can muster. Some days I think I am just capable of anything and other days it's a challenge to get anything done. I'm proud that I keep going, like I said at my spa party. I just never give up, and I'm proud of that, but sometimes it also feels like I'm spinning plates, then I get tired and wonder WHY I wanted to spin plates in the first place, and why I chose so darned many plates to spin, anyway. Why didn't I take up lion taming or tightrope walking? Oh, I guess I do those things, too. I forgot!

B. Lava

Okay, I love you all, but I don't know if this video is appropriate, but it really warms my heart. It's a Bollywood-type music video that somebody listened to phonetically and wrote alternative English lyrics. It's hilarious, but there ARE some inappropriate lyrics - I won't lie. But I must admit, I love quirky things and quirky people and quirky experiences. Always skewed, I am, I think. Kari helped me understand myself (and her) when she realized that we both love syncopated music - Ani diFranco, Styx, Sting, Dave Matthews. Still keeping the rhythm of the music, but always on the off-beat, not ON the beat. That's us, then, to be sure - offbeat, but still keeping time.

Our house smells fragrantly of boardinghouse meatloaf with shallot gravy and roasted potatoes. I admit - I love to cook; it calms me down and brings me great joy (if I say I love to iron, THEN you can worry). I'm really happy today, with the sun shining warm and beautiful. I met with Beth and saw the new library. My gosh, it's just amazing - I can hardly wait until it's done in 6 months. I'm hoping my business proposal with her pans out in some way - it just feels really right, although my client list is growing longer by the day. Writing, promoting, readings, oh my. But it's okay - I just keep going with the flow, trusting in where it will lead me, not worried about much of anything.

How are YOU feeling? I'm still a little tired, but mostly just happy and slow (if that makes sense). I look at my calendar and like the way it's shaping up - fun stuff, work stuff, friend stuff, and everything in between. Not too much of anything, but a great deal of YES. So it's Benny Lava and Green Leaves (don't ask - Korean men in diapers and green leaves pasted to the front) and some funky Indian guy doing some funky mudra stuff with his hands while he rocks out. Where do the kids find these You Tube videos? I don't have that much free time, but I'm glad they do - it makes me happy, that quirky stuff.

finding meaning

Making eggrolls and fried rice (and sweet and sour sauce) - double batches
Baking the perfect double batch of chocolatey chippy cookies (light tan with slight crisp around the edges)
Passing out crayons for the kids at Sunday School
Consoling Bill when he feels picked on
Trying not to get too sad when I see the snow and see the wind flying
Cuddling Pooncie, even if she doesn't really remember me
Working on my LAST prerequisite nutrition course before I start on the Master's Program

Okay, I'm struggling here, folks - is it the approaching long winter that's got me feeling so slow? I can't tell you, but I'm not depressed, just moving slower, feeling more tired. My eyelids are half lidded again. I was up several times last night - a mildly upsetting e-mail put my brain in fast motion (not a new thing, believe me). How do we keep moving through our days? I think if I could look down on my life's path, it would look like a crazy emu dance, jumping and twirling and sliding and running, sometimes just lying there, motionless. All interesting. So on it goes, on this cloudy, windy windy day - I wonder what energy is being washed clean by the wind? I wonder what will get kicked up? I wonder what tomorrow will bring? Whatever, right? Right.

Bras and Breast Awareness

Ah, my cup runneth over (in more ways than one). Last night's Bras on Broadway did NOT disappoint. I met with 4 of my bestest Divine Goddesses, dressed in my fishnets and Stuart Weitzman pointy booties (okay, YES, the same outfit as last Saturday's Symphony Rocks the Hub, but with the total cost of the outfit, I'm going to have to wear it every DAY to get my cost-per-wearing to a reasonable number), grabbed a white Zin with the Con-Meister, and perused the art. I am SO going to buy the great poster of the bras, seeing as I didn't get top bid on anything (one bra was up to $700 - too rich for my blood). I wanted Renee Danz's green moss with pink peace symbols SO badly, but oh well - they're just bras, right?

Deb Jenkins is THEE coolest person EVER, seriously, and I totally jammed out all night. We fluked on a sponsor's table right up front, and the Danz's, Bobbie and Joan, Linda and Joel (new friends) all joined us. I ran into about a billion other friends, and I can't remember when I've been this happy and filled up - I LOVE PEOPLE!!!!! I don't know if I can have that many exclamation marks in a row, but who cares? Happy is happy, right? Karen Stoker spoke about all of us banding together to get yearly mammograms, and I'm proud to say I not only got my yearly mammo, but got a DIGITAL one at Innovis, which is a much clearer picture (still hurts, though - I'm not going to lie). I get my yearlies regularly now, and all because of Deb. About 7 years ago, I blew mine off, too much going on. I told Deb about it, and she called me the next morning and said, "I couldn't sleep at all last night, thinking about how you said you blew your mammo off. I won't sleep until you promise me you'll get one, and every year after that." I got tears in my eyes - no one had ever cared that much, and I promised her. What an amazing thing she did for me, and I'll never forget it. She's a breast cancer survivor (I'd forgotten that), and knows the importance of regular screening.

So October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month, or as goofy Stevie puts it, BREAST AWARENESS MONTH - what an appropriate focus for the men in our lives, right? Just being AWARE of breasts? Not such a silly idea, I guess, now that I think of it. So, even though I'm not so keen on the whole pink ribbon concept, I'm glad we're all getting healthier, loving and caring for our bodies more, and most importantly, I'm glad to have Bras on Broadway to make my life that much sweeter and fun. Ah..............

further reflections on spam

I have a sweet friend, Chris. We e-mail back and forth quite regularly. After yesterday's blog entry, she sent me an e-mail asking for clarification on some things I'd said. I thought I'd post part of what she said, and my response to her. I love this, don't you?

You said in your blog today ..."we are all inherently beautiful and perfect just as we are... and there is nothing that we need to improve upon" Okay, so here's how my mind works when I hear statements like these... they immediately go to the extreme examples of people like.... the sexual abusers and the serial killers and the Nazis and maybe Hitler and you get the idea....
and I think... well, hmmm.. some improvement there would be quite useful. So, I like the idea in theory and think of many many people that I could apply it to, but many that I couldn't. So, help me understand what you mean by this and how this statement applies to extremely violent and cruel people.


So I replied...
You always ask such great questions - they make me think and clarify my own thought processes. What I think is this: yes, we ARE all inherently perfect and beautiful just as we are, but we ALL need to sit with ourselves, get to know ourselves, and accept ourselves. I think violent and unhappy people are not too willing to do any of that work because they probably really hate themselves, think they're defective and inferior, and have no desire for self-exploration, self-acceptance, or self-love. They've probably gotten the message over and over again that there IS something wrong with them, and then they act it out on others, because they haven't explored any other options.

I've seen some pretty fabulous people who've grown up in horrendous environments, and vice versa. The difference? I think it's because these people take responsibility for their lives and their growth, and then they do the hard work necessary to heal whatever's hurt, and take active steps to make themselves happy, whether it's getting a new job, leaving a significant other, going to therapy, learning to meditate, asking forgiveness, or whatever. I think the basis of all "bad" behavior is that lack of self. Thanks for encouraging me to do some more self-examination of my views. Phew! Love - Anti-Spam or Auntie Spam

So, there you have it. If anybody has any questions, please feel free to e-mail me and ask them. If I have any questions for YOU, I'll do the same, okay? Because we're all in this together.

spam

I wonder if that stands for anything. I know I can't stand for IT, so maybe that's the point. I go onto my e-mail account and delete about 50 spams before I even read what I want to read. Once you connect with one company, they not only send you daily 'important' e-mails, but they sell your address to 100 other companies for an undetermined amount of money, and you're a public commodity. You get the phone calls with the caller ID of "toll free" and it's a sure bet it's a sales call. You tell them you are on the 'do not call' list, and they tell you it's not a sales call, it's a 'courtesy call.'

In Japan you can't even call someone on the phone without a prior invitation. To come to someone's house unannounced or uninvited is the height of rudeness. How exactly did we get to the point that we can be invaded on all ports and others think it's their right to do it? I told one phone salesperson to put us on their do not call list and she hung up on me. I immediately called that number back, and when the new salesperson answered, I told her the same thing. She hung up on me, as well. One time a salesperson called and it was a recording (the height of rudeness). When I hung on to get the LIVE person, she answered, THEN hung up on me. A salesperson hanging up on ME? AFTER SHE called ME? I don't get it. I almost cancelled our home line, then I started getting spam texts on my CELL PHONE. Unbelievable. Don't get me wrong- it does bug me, but I'm not really all that angry. I am just trying to understand why people and companies and beliefs think they can be so invasive. Yes, shadow work calls to me, and I ask myself if I've ever been invasive, if I've ever invaded someone's life or home or boundaries by my pushiness. I'm sure the answer is yes, because everyone is everything, and does everything. But then what's the next step? I rarely send out mass e-mails anymore, and all of those were to people who ASKED to be on my list. I don't take advantage of it, I don't bombard people with my life (I don't think). I don't SPAM them. Spam is defined as "unsolicited bulk e-mail" or UBE. So there you go. But I would propose to expand the definition to include phone calls, forceful ideology (you HAVE to believe what I believe, or you're stupid - here, let me tell you what to believe).

I met with a client and we spent the entire time working on self-empowerment. What do YOU believe, who are YOU, what do YOU want to do, what do YOU think. This client kept asking ME what I thought, believed, who I thought THEY were, and I refused to answer. I also refused to have another session with them for a couple of months, to allow them to do some soul self-exploration. It finally came to me - the basis of all of my work isn't to TELL anybody what to do - it's to help give them tools to discover and unfold themselves. No expert can tell you who you are, no class or training or book or workshop or tv show or movie can do that. Maybe that's why I get so irked. I know I'm passionate about my work and about what I believe, but the core of my belief system is that we are all inherently beautiful and perfect, just as we are. There is nothing that we need to improve upon, nothing that we're inferior about. When we discover our inherent wholeness, THEN we can take some steps to improve something because we WANT to, not because we think we HAVE to.

So when I get these unwanted e-mails, phone calls and conversations from people telling ME what I HAVE to do (You HAVE to vote for Obama - McCain is the only reasonable choice, this supplement is THEE best, my spiritual viewpoints are the best, so listen to me and what I've done) I want to push back. I want to say, "I'll decide for myself who I think the best next President will be, and I'm not going to tell ANYONE, I'll experiment to see which supplements (if any) my body responds well to, and I think it's important to respect and support everyone's spiritual journey, because no one's path is Universal." Having said all of that, I happen to think my spiritual views ARE correct ... for me. I think the only REAL spiritual path is the one that leads us back to ourselves, and that's a totally unique and individual experience, so don't talk about the specific ROUTE, just tell me how to get in shape for the trip, how to understand where I'm going so I'LL know how to pack and what language I need to learn. Don't tell me I'll need Spanish, because I may be heading to France. Don't tell me to pack a winter coat because I may be heading for the Caribbean. Only I know for sure, so I wish we could all be respectful and supportive and inspiring. If I'm NOT, please let me know. I'm doing the best I can, but I know I get excited sometimes, just like everybody else. I get judgmental of others, and think that I'm lily white, and I know that's not true.

But do I spam people? I hope to gosh not. I want to be that welcomed e-mail you get, that smile on your face when you pick up the phone and hear me on the other end, the relief you experience when you open your door and I'm there with a batch of warm goopy rolls in my hand. I want to be the GOOD things in your life, although for Monty Python lovers, Spam IS a good thing...

wow...

I just got this e-mail from a woman, and she said I could share it on my blog, so here it is. The sole purpose of my writing, and probably of my whole life, is to help people as much as I am able. It really warms my heart to read this...

In 1992 I was in the first grade and lived with my mom and her abusive boyfriend. One night while my mom was being badly abused I sat down and "wrote a book." I remember now that I did this often as a child, to escape from the trauma in our house. But, for some reason, this time I showed my newest creation to my first grade teacher. She asked me if she could enter my book into a competition for young writers. I remember that we met you at the Buffalo Mall in Jamestown ND and my book was judged 2nd place for my category. I won an audio cassette, a feather and your signature! I listened to that tape everynight going to bed until I was 12 and my mom got re-married and had my sister. Then, I began to play it for her at night and sing it to her often. Because of our age difference she lives with my parents in Minneapolis and I live with my husband and son in Seattle. I still occasionaly sing the song to her over the phone (she is 9 now) and she sings it to my 9 month old son, as do I. I recently gave this tape to my sister and can't wait to get another copy of the tape (CD) and the book for myself and my son to use. I didn't really realize until recently how many times this book/song got me through tough times as a child. I THANK YOU... if this was what you intended to do as a writer than I consider you the single-most successful author I have ever read. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!

Feel welcome to share my story on your blog if you wish, i only ask that it be anonymous.

Thanks again for everything!

Thank you for that sweet e-mail, dear anonymous friend. I am so glad the tape helped you through some awful patches. It's amazing to me how much we send out to the Universe, and never hear back. It's okay not to hear back, but it really IS sweet when we DO hear back. Thank you thank you thank YOU...

It's all True!!

I've been dreaming about Mom for the past 4 nights. The first dream was sad, the second dream was sadder, the third dream was almost too much (the one where I lucidly dreamed, knowing it was a dream because Mom was alive, and she said she wasn't dead). Last night was my breakthrough. We were sitting at our same dining room table at 912, and I said, again, "I know this is a dream, because in real life you're dead," and she didn't dispute it, but something 'popped' and we were together in this new, real place. I looked into her eyes and saw an incredible look of love (I'd had that same feeling when looking into HER mother's eyes in a dream over 20 years ago). There's a name for that experience of transferring God's love via your eyes, but I can't remember it. I'll look it up. At that point I felt such love and connection, and everything felt calm and okay again. I got tears in my eyes because I was so happy. I hugged her, held her, and it was just like she was alive here again. I felt so grateful and happy.

I asked her what it was like where she was (don't I always ask questions? Make the most of these experiences?) She said it was light, and open, and you know everything, then joked that I would really like it there. I laughed. Then she told me I was on the right path - that what I know, and have experienced, and tell others, is all true, and that I need to know that. Not for some vain, 'oh, I'm right' kind of way, but to encourage and support me. That's what it felt like, anyway. I woke up totally suffused with gratitude, understanding and love, and promptly fell to my knees and prayed, then sent love and healing to everyone I know and love, one by one. Did I sleep again? I'm not sure, it doesn't really matter, I'm just SO grateful that I was able to break through to this new place with Mom. I'd always been able to hear her, but now to have that deeper connection, well, words fail me. I know it's important, and was all meant to be, but this process was mysterious, painful, and sad in the beginning, and I've said it before, but it's kind of like childbirth - painful, mysterious, scary while you're going through it, then BAM - you break through, and there's the end, this beautiful new being. So our new 'being' is 'being' able to be together in this new and powerful way. I'm feeling a book coming on, because I think this is the start of something really big, new, and important, so I've started a new journal to record everything that's been going on, to track it. I don't know if we'll talk through dreams, or in some other way, but I'm ready for it, oh yes, I'm ready. And just knowing that it's all true? Definitely puts a smile on my face.

spaaaaaaaaaah...

22 women, from ages 5 to 70 (I'm the one in the white t-shirt and jeans on the floor), spa treatments, luscious smells, soft hands and feet, Widman's chocolate and Nichole's Fine Pastries, wine and sparkling cider - can it get any better than this? I think not. Not until Symphony Rocks the Hub.

I admit it - my voice is a little hoarse from all the screaming, and my lips are sore from my thumb and index finger circling to create the piercing, high-pitched whistle I do so well. Seriously. Mike Coates giving me goose bumps on his electric guitar solo on "Stairway to Heaven," "25 or 6 to 4", Chitra and Donna, Erik and Mel, Stevie bumping with me on "Funkytown," my black fishnet stockings and pointy Stuart Weitzman booties. See? THIS is why I do this - it makes me happy, energizes me, makes me remember why I'm here, why WE'RE here - this SHOULD be fun, right? At least part of the time, so I keep planning and attending the fun stuff. If there isn't any fun stuff out 'there,' I create it in 'here.' Is this saving my life? You betcha. Is it fun? You betcha. Am I going to keep doing this kind of stuff? You betcha. Will I stop saying 'you betcha?' YOU BETCHA.

the best policy

Honesty. I had a mini-meltdown yesterday. I found myself sitting on a chair, chawing some gum, drinking my green tea, looking at the clock, wondering what to do for the next 5 hours until Bill got home from school. I felt like a caged rat - nothing helped, I wanted to just pace. My brain wouldn't slow down. I wrote a little, pulled myself up by the bootstraps, got into my walking gear and headed out the door with all of my things I needed to run errands. Once in the car, I told myself I'd wait for a sign from God as to what my next step should be. I wanted to call Melissa, but no, the sign had to come to ME, so I didn't. Then my cell phone rang - Melissa. My sign from God (as if she wasn't already from God!). Thank goodness for Melissa - I told her everything about how I'm feeling, about how I can't let go of all of those people, things, and events in my past that I regret and have disconnected from, and how I think it's related to Mom dying. To lose that huge connection, I feel the urgent need to reconnect all of those other little lost connections, but it's not what I really want to do - go back. So I walked at the Y, and it felt good.

I'm doing the best I can these days, but it's tough. A combination of the energies with the season change with Mom's death, all converging together inside of me to create really tumultuous waves. I could handle the previous stuff, stay on top and ride the waves, but this is really difficult, and I'm struggling. It feels different, deeper. So I schedule time with my friends - a spa party this afternoon, Symphony Rocks the Hub tonight, Bras on Broadway next Thursday, modeling in Florie's fashion show on the 30th. I'm carving out a fun life, then Steve tells me this morning he's annoyed. Why do I need attention all of the time, why do I need to go out all the time, aren't I content? And I say, "I sit at home a good part of the day, so if I sat home every night, as well, where, what would be the point of anything?"

I don't know if he understands, and I don't know if I can verbalize it, but understand that I am doing the best I can, I am trying to be as joyful and happy as possible, to make the most out of painful situations and times, but sometimes I need support. He sees me as independent, and I am, I guess, but not all of the time. It's nice to see your spouse as independent so you don't have to do the hard and messy work of helping or listening, but then why be married if not to share your life and all its messiness? So I speak honestly to my husband, and try to be honest with myself, and gentle with myself, because in the end I still believe that honesty is the best policy. Even when it's painful.

not lucid

I dreamt about Mom again last night. She was sitting in a chair at 912, and I was talking with her. Then I said, "Hey, Mom, you're alive, so this MUST be a dream," and I thought that was really great, because I was lucid dreaming, which means you KNOW you're dreaming. Then you can do all sorts of magical stuff, like look at your hands, look in a mirror, look at an object for 30 seconds and see what happens (the dreamscape shapeshifts into something else, in my experience). But Mom just looked at me, confused, and said she didn't know she was dead, that she didn't think she was dead. So I was like, crap, now what do I do? So I reassured her she WASN'T dead - it had to be my mistake, and I went around to her back and laid my hands across her middle shoulders, which is where she got so sore, and she mmmmmmmmed the way she always did.

I woke up feeling crappy. Here I'd thought I was making headway on this whole Mom dead thing, and then when I even figure it out in a dream, Mom doesn't know. I dreamt about her the night before, but no surprise as she's really been on my mind lately. I'm thinking the Mom in my dream is actually that holdout part of me that refuses to believe that she's dead, and this dream is bringing that up for me to look at and heal (hopefully). SUCK. Yeah, I miss Mom, can't stop thinking about her, hearing her voice, wanting just to see her again and have her tell me she loves me. Sigh. So on it goes.

Lucid means "suffused with light, luminous, translucent, sane, clear to the understanding, intelligible, clear;lucidity meaning clairvoyant, so I guess it all fits, right, that I had a lucid dream? In the end, is there any other kind? So I think about all of this as I clean for my neighborhood women's spa party tomorrow, and look forward to a warm lamb sandwich for lunch, and anything else that should come my way. I'm sober today, a little quiet and pensive, but that's okay - that's just how it is. At least I'm lucid (I think).

reflections

Slowing down, breathing, enjoying the beautiful leaves on the trees (still), cooking soup and succotash (c'mon, you know you just love to say it - succotash), stretching when I first wake up, then rolling over and hugging my pillow for a few more minutes. Going from activity to activity still, but slower, more mindful, stopping to bake warm chocolate chippy cookies if need be, if only to snatch a little dough, stopping to talk to Rhonda for 1/2 hour at the grocery store today, picking my outfit to wear to Symphony Rocks the Hub on Saturday (yes, Peggy, I'm dressing to the nine's - whatever THAT means).

Why do I think I need to run at a breakneck speed all the time? Why do I need to justify every minute of the day? Why do I feel guilty for just wanting to rest? I sleep so deeply at night now (thank god) but am still tired most every day. Maybe it's a different kind of tired, I don't know. It doesn't matter - I'm going great guns at the school and church and Symphony, and it feels really good to be helping so much. I wrote a first draft of a new children's book today about Mom dying, from the child's perspective, of course. It's called, "Where Did Grammy Go?" I'm sure it will be a while in the editing process, but I've got the good bones of it down, at least.

Writing - that's my love right now. Dad says he doesn't know if we'll ever get his book finished. It may just be too hard, too painful, but I still have hope. I feel like I'm floating while I write, as if I haven't landed, and maybe I haven't. So what I really want to say is that today I think it's okay to float, to not quite know where I have landed, because I don't think I have, landed, that is. I think I'm still floating after being uprooted, and that's just fine. Thinking I should be grounded somewhere, or should be doing something else, or something more, just isn't productive thinking right now. So today? Today I smile, and roast the rosemary lamb and potatoes, and take deep breaths while I walk outside in this beautiful weather. Tomorrow? Who in the world knows? I don't know anything these days, and that's just fine for now.

restless

Yeah, I am, but from what I gather, so is everyone else. So today, I'd like to send out a little message to us all - hopefully this will help.

Dear ones - how grateful we are to all of you who so bravely stay and fight the good fight. What fight? you may ask. And we tell you, the fight within, the fight that is the only fight, after all. The struggles within yourself. How fare you? Are you still railing against the Universe, hoping to be released from this current intensity, wishing to be done and moving forward? For you so feel the forward movement pushing you from behind, don't you? Yet where are these momentous changes? Where is the new? Where is the movement? What blocks you from your past, what limiting beliefs do you still hold? Where are you rigid and narrow-minded? What thought patterns do you hold onto, even though they no longer serve? Look WITHIN at this time, for that is the only place that your answers lie - not in anything or anybody outside of yourself. They don't know YOU - only YOU know YOU, and that is your current task set before you - launch into the magnificent discovery of Self. What does that mean to you? Do you have to take some time off? Sure - from your current schedule of worry and planning and frustration. Watch a light movie, take a walk, laugh with a friend, drink some tea. Do something that makes you happy. And be sure to laugh - there is not much laughter on the planet at this time. Connect with those who bring you joy, connect with those whom you love and feel a deep affinity for. Do not leave their sides. Tell them you love them, then show it. Be effusive, generous, loving, giving. When you do that for others, you do that for yourself, as well. But above all, be gentle with yourself. Do not push or expect too much or be disappointed or have preconceived notions for yourself or your life. Just BE. There is little movement anywhere in the world as it experiences its big shake up. Don't you feel it all around you? The swirling and twirling? You need not be a part of that madness, for that is what it is. Stay in your Center, be at peace, breathe. When will this pass? When it passes, as with everything else. It is all new, it is all new ground, and no one knows where the next step will be placed, but trust that you will know where to step when it is time to step. Never doubt that. In the meantime, relax - don't worry - has it not always turned out for the best, in the end? The end of each step, we mean, so know that you are approaching your next step, and it will be a big one, so strap on your tennies, do your warmups, and then continue doing what you have been asked to do for the past 6 months - wait. Try to be patient, for impatience will only tire you out. Rest often, laugh much. And know, always know, that you are NEVER alone - all is unfolding in perfect and divine order. Yes, you have heard that before, but repetition makes it more concrete, does it not? All if unfolding in perfect and divine order. It is - how could it be any other way? It could not. Breathe, trust, and be well.

the truth shall set you free (but who's truth?)

John, the sweet parking lot attendant, asked me what I thought about the elections. I said that the main thing I've noticed is all of the lies floating back and forth about the candidates. Did Sarah Palin ban books? (no - at one point she approached the librarian and asked about the procedure for getting books removed from the shelves) Did she issue a law to make rape victims pay for their rape kits? (no - someone else tried to do that). Is Obama a a terrorist? (Republicans chanting in Minneapolis, and McCain telling them to be quiet -no, Obama is not a terrorist) Is John McCain an abusive man? (the alleged Mary Kay Gamel letter of a visit to the Turtle Islands - not true). I'm tired of it - lies and inferences, accusations and outrages - all false, so far as I've been able to investigate, and I investigate each accusation. So two sides are just fighting against each other, and not a lot of people are standing up straight and saying, "This is what I love about my candidate and why I'm voting for him (or her)." I lose respect for the people that trash others, so even if McCain IS good, I'm mad at those Republicans who are mean to Obama, and vice versa.

When people send me inflammatory e-mails, I check the facts, then e-mail the link back to the person, encouraging them to check their facts before they pass on the poison. Then I stop and feel the heat about this, and put it back on myself. Is there a lesson in there somewhere for me? Am I doing shadow work? Shadow work is abounding right now - it's all bouncing back and forth so fast it's hard to know what's mine and what's yours. That's the energetic status quo right now, and it's almost a full-time job. So then the question becomes - what are those people like, who spread the hurtful information, and have I ever done that? (yes). I think - those people are immature, unkind, stupid, not spiritual, narrow-minded... ouch - that's me, and my issues I'm working on right now. I see those limitations in order to heal them and grow from that point. It's impossible to grow past our current limitations until we see them and release them. Otherwise we stay rigid in those areas, so apparently I'm still immature, unkind, stupid, not spiritual and narrow-minded. Okay, enough already! I'll get going right away on that, and my truth? Yes, that shall set me free, indeed...

heading to the Cities

to see dear Roo and her beautiful new apartment. I'm excited, especially since the rain has stopped and it's even getting light in the sky! I made the double decker gourmet brownies to bring to her, and we'll make the Moroccan chicken stew and carnival couscous tomorrow night, and go shopping for whatever she needs.

I took a little nappy this afternoon (for about 20 minutes), and felt my body jerk, and I vaguely wondered if I'd had a seizure (I know, but those worrying tendencies die hard, apparently), then I remembered that whenever I nap in the afternoons, my whole body does this weird kind of "me leaving my body" thing. Hard to explain, but not altogether unpleasant. I'm feeling a lot better today, after taking it easy yesterday (only finding clothes to wear for Florentine's fashion show modeling gig).

It seems that people are reconnecting again, and I'm personally loving it. We've got a crowd going to Bras on Broadway, part of the Divine Goddesses, and a group going to the Symphony Rocks the Hub. I love being on the Symphony Board - making thank you calls to donors and helping line up sponsors and on. It's good to help others do their work and connect with other companies and feel a part of something greater (and not be the head of it). I can still feel something really big brewing, but today I'm just content to let it come, and continue to meditate, pray, and overall have a grand time of it. We'll take pics this weekend and share the love. I hate to admit it, but I'm digging the 5 pound weight loss from the stomach thing - if I gave up chocolate totally maybe it would stay off? Uhm, can I think about it for the weekend and get back to you?

sicker than a

dog. Got queasy right after lunch, and held on until 5, when I became pale and had to wrap up, chilled, under several covers and just lie there. I couldn't move. Steve fed Bill and took him to choir. I cried because we spent our anniversary curled up on the bed, holding hands and just talking. I started throwing up around 7:30. It didn't take long. I think I pulled a stomach muscle. I went to bed early. Seriously.

This morning I feel better, but still have no appetite, so I'm just drinking chamomile tea and remembering the phrase from "The Devil Wears Prada." Emily Blunt's character says, "I'm one stomach flu away from my goal weight." That makes me laugh, having lost 5 pounds yesterday. My neck hurt, but after a really long, hot shower, feels much better. I took some Oscillo, some silver biotics, and some white willow for my neck, and am sitting here at 10AM wondering how I'll fill the next 4 1/2 hours until Bill gets home. I think I'll rest and finish reading "The Sun Also Rises" by Hemingway. I'm really liking him these days. I'm also liking my Tony Bennett sings Duke Ellington CD I got from the library, as well, so along with some chamomile tea, that's probably my day right there. I keep hearing the words, "Be gentle with yourself" echoing through my head, so I think that's the answer to my unasked questions. I get scared sometimes, yes, you know I do, but whenever I ask, I keep hearing, "Everything's just fine. SLOW DOWN." So that's what I'm doing for the next three days - slowing down. It's all right - there's nothing pressing that needs my attention anyway, is there? I'm meditating, and praying, and trying to keep all fronts silent as long as possible, realizing that we are in a kind of floating time, a kind of surreal time where timelines don't exist anymore, and it's hard to get acclimated sometimes, and even harder just to keep trusting and walking, but we do it, don't we? What other choice do we have?

So here's to sick dogs (maybe I should go outside and eat some grass?), and to healthy dogs, and to all the dogs in between. Here's to "Desperate Housewives" and desperate housewives, and everyone in between. Here's to organic vegetables and warm chocolate chippy cookies, and everything in between. Here's to me and here's to you, and here's to everyone in between.

13 Years, and an injury

13 years ago Steve and I got married. It was a small wedding, just family, in the chapel at First Presbyterian. I wanted to go to Las Vegas and get married by an Elvis impersonator, but everyone was like, "family," so we stayed in Fargo. I don't think we're celebrating much, maybe going out for a quick dinner while Bill's at choir rehearsal. The important thing is that we're still married, and still in love. There were those who bet against the marriage lasting, with two sets of kids and all the problems that come with that. Add to that the angry ex-spouses who were less than kind, and the troubles of the kids, and there you have it - late night screams and cries (from the kids, not us), tantrums, counseling, fights (okay, from us, not the kids), threats and reconciliations. They say the divorce rate for first-timers is 50%, the rate for second marriages is close to 70%, and the divorce rate for second marriages when both people have kids is somewhere around 90%. Well, I always WAS competitive, and always wanted to be in the top 10%, so by sheer will and determination, we not only stayed, we thrived.

I'm just kidding - what I want to say is that sure, we still have our difficulties, but we have a solid marriage, based on love, support, and respect. Face it, that attraction we have to each other helps a LOT, as well. We've been through hell (and I'm not even teasing) but we're still here, kissing each other every morning and telling each other we love each other (okay, that's a LOT of 'each others'). The key? Well, one would definitely be forgiveness. Another key? Patience. Another key? Blindness (such as in not seeing the open toilet lid (his) or all the clutter (mine)). Another key? Persistence. I admit it - some days I just want to coast, to not have to constantly work at the marriage or come back to it, but you can't. You just can't. Every day you get to come back to the other person and be together with them. Every day you have the chance to try something new, to say something different (or not say anything at all). Steve has a saying - do I want to be right, or do I want to be happy? That helps me sometimes when I feel the fight right on the tip of my tongue. I've learned to take a deep breath and just walk away sometimes.

I've learned to be really honest about my feelings. That doesn't mean Steve will DO anything about it, but I know he hears me, and that's important for me to speak, and know that I'm heard. I trust my husband with my feelings. He's the one I go to when I'm scared or angry. He's the one I tell when something fabulous has happened. He's still my best friend, and that sounds so corny, but it's not. You SHOULD be best friends with someone you're sharing your space and your life with, don't you think? Why be with someone you don't like? We still laugh (the visual of him trying to PUSH the mattress up the stairs with his foot last night still makes me giggle), and being in his arms is still the safest place in the world for me.

So there you go - 13 years and counting. Amazing.

Oh, and the injury? Shooting neck pains woke me up last night, and I really thought something was wrong this time. Tingling all along the left side of my head - a lump on my neck. Then Steve reminded me - I sit for hours in this chair, watching "Desperate Housewives" on my computer. So my injury? A desperate-housewives-related injury, and I mean that in more ways than one!

what a day!

Billy Boy led the group, dancing and chanting!

at the bridge

at the end

What a morning, what a day! The sun rose warm and gentle. Bill and I had gotten up at 7, Steve went hunting. We found the park and introduced ourselves around. I got acquainted and reacquainted with everyone - over 50 of us walked. The chant was "They walked to live - we walk to give," varying in tempo, pitch, melody. I even heard Bill's voice from the front of the pack, totally encouraged and supported in his efforts - he was the only child. Cindy from O'Day Cache came out, and I gave her a hug. We waved at cars and got lots of honks and waves back. One of the Sudanese men said, "Watch out for snakes," and some laughed, but I got tears in my eyes. That's probably what they DID say, walking those 1000 miles, along with watching out for lots of other dangers, as well. We have no idea, we really don't - all we can do is love and support them, not knowing their horrors personally. They raised a good deal of money, and introduced a lot of people to the WALKsudan cause, which is all good - the spreading of the word, so to speak, the original meaning of the word 'evangel.' Good news.

I walked with Gina, then walked with Peggy, Bill choosing to walk with his cousins Jeremiah and Rachel toward the front. It's all good, except the protective mother in me kept looking ahead to make sure he was still there - where ELSE would he be? Old habits die hard. A beautiful day, powerful speeches from everyone, much love and caring. I'm so glad I was a part of it all, and I'm glad Bill was there to share in the love, as well - it's a global village, to be sure.

get over it?

Apparently not. When I went to bed last night, I asked for some revelation to help me see what's wrong with me. My dream? We were back at 912, and Mom was back. Dad was running everywhere frantically, taking care of her, getting her comfortable on the couch with the pillows, arranging all of her pills. He was exhausted and really scared of all the work. Mom said that she couldn't breathe, but she was happy to be back for a while. I lay down next to her on the couch, and she put her arm around me, and we just lay there. I couldn't stop crying. Then I woke up.

So although my emotions have integrated Mom's death, it's apparent that my physical body (and whatever other parts of me) still grieve very deeply for Mom, as my whole body felt the pain. But I'm glad I know now, and can see a little more clearly. How haughty, egotistical and presumptuous of me to think I'd "get over" the greatest loss of my life to date, in only 3 months! So I understand the depth of my feelings and connection to Mom, even if this physical life is only a small part of that connection, it IS a huge part of my experience down here (well, duh), so I'm backing off my expectations for my life, and my actions, and well, I don't know what that will look like, but it's plain to see that I'm still in a lot of pain, so I'm thankful for the dream, painful as it was. It's helped me understand myself better, and isn't that what this is all about? I love you, Mom, forever and always, and gees, does it suck that you're gone.

seeing dimly

"For now we see in a mirror, dimly, then, face to face." That's in First Corinthians, the end part of my favorite Bible verses of all time, the love verses, as I call them. That's how I've been feeling lately, as if I'm seeing in a mirror dimly. I can't remember having been this exhausted, usually around mid-afternoon, so that I've literally curled up on the couch and taken hour long naps. My steps are slow and heavy walking up the steps, but I don't feel sick at all - just completely exhausted. I'm 100% healthy (did we ever doubt that? Don't answer...), I'm eating well, getting enough, good sleep. Okay, so I'm feeling a bit, well, down lately. I told Steve there are three danger signals that I watch for, and they are as follows: my inability to get out of my jammies for more than one day at a time, my incessant running around, and some obsessive action. I'm now doing all three, and I'm noticing them. What's my obsessive action? Watching "Desperate Housewives."

I know, it's hysterical, isn't it? Aren't we all just laughing right now? Sure, it's as funny as craving chocolate and spending too much money on clothes, but those can be very destructive and not-funny actions, trust me on that. So what does Steve say? "That's just fine if you want to spend your days in your jammies, you deserve to just rest, after your summer." And I think that's really sweet, but I feel really alone right now in my worrying, like I need someone to just HEAR me when I say I'm exhibiting all THREE of my danger signals. One wise friend asked me what was the danger, then, if I'm walking through those signals? I paused - depression? Um, anxiety? Uh, cracking up? Okay, the jig's up - I don't really think ANY of those things will happen, I run too hard FROM those very things. Maybe I just worry that if I don't keep going, I WILL become depressed, or anxious, or crack up (whatever that means). So, another friend rationalizes, what would be so bad about staying in your jammies and finishing up all four seasons of "Desperate Housewives" that you've got from NetFlix? Um, responsible, mature, productive people don't DO that - they keep going through everything, they don't slow down, they don't let anything get to them or break them. Ah, that's it - I must feel like there's someone or something out there that COULD break me, maybe?

It hearkens back to a past life memory of a lifetime in which my father at the time was scared of my power, so he killed my mother to get to me, but I told him I would not be broken, and I wasn't. I went on to be a medicine man of my tribe, but I remember thinking that all of the people were scared of me. I wonder if it was because of my strength to NOT be broken? Maybe they thought I wasn't quite normal because I didn't show weakness or pain? Maybe we're all meant to feel pain, to let it soften us, carve us into new beings. Maybe it IS okay just to BE. Maybe I don't need to keep moving, like the shark, so I don't die. A shark's a shark, and I'm Susie. Maybe it's not that I'm seeing dimly in a mirror, but for the first time, I'm seeing CLEARLY, and what I'm seeing is a human staring back at me. Hmmm, now that's an interesting thought. So that's my train of thought for today, as I breathe deeply and go back downstairs to cuddle Bill for a moment before we head to bed.

a gentler me?

An odd thing has been happening lately to me. I seem to be experiencing all of my emotions on a fuller, more complete, intense level. So when I'm happy, I'm infused with happiness in every pore of my body. When I'm sad, I feel it all the way to my bones. When I'm angry, I can feel that heat emanating out of every cell. Interesting. Also interesting to note that I started this entry a day and a half ago, and am just finishing now. That seems to be the order of the day, as well - being a little fragmented, not feeling like I can get enough done, and by done, I mean little things like paying the bills, going for a walk, meditating.

I had coffee with Mary this morning, and she said she thought I was doing really well with my grieving, and suggested that Mom's death could have acted like a trigger for my other frustrations right now, like feeling like I'm not moving ahead, feeling like there are a lot of unresolved issues with different members of my family, not feeling like there are a lot of good things to look forward to. Of COURSE there ARE, but overall I've jumped to health issues with a child, to health issues with Mom, then health issues with Steve, then back to Mom, then running Steve's PSC campaign, to Mom dying, to having to get my root canal. Sometimes it just feels like duty and icky stuff dovetailing, without the really juicy, productive exciting stuff in between. I don't expect it always to be happy happy joy joy, but I'm in the market for some REALLY good news, and it's just not there. It's painful when I hear Melissa say, "The rewards are right here - just open your presents!" and I'm like, "Where are the gosh-darned presents? I don't see any. They're not here!" So I just keep coasting, hoping something will happen on the outside to break me out of my self-prescribed slump. I've talked with so many others that are feeling out of sorts, as well, so I know I'm not alone, and like I said, it's not ALWAYS like this - just this pervasive feeling that colors everything else, like, "When will 'this thing' happen?" I don't know what this "thing" is, and I have no idea what I expect to happen, it's just a feeling, of change in the air. We should be used to that by now, shouldn't we? And sure, I feel it totally on the inside, I just want to see it manifesting on the outside a little more - a little more movement, maybe our total home remodel, or buying a lake place, or planning a big trip this winter, some fun things that signify growth and change and expansion, maybe. I'm tired of just coasting, or feeling like I'm coasting. Everyone's quick to point out that my coasting is everyone else's frenetic pace, but it's an internal, individual thing, right? I'm not comparing myself to anybody else, just feeling what I'm feeling.

What am I feeling? Like I want there to be energy and enthusiasm in our house, and not just from me, from Steve, too. Some planning and execution of outings and excursions, planning for the future. I'm feeling the need to travel, to kick up a little. I'm tired of being home and responsible and taking care of everything - it's the same stuff day in and day out - FRESH!! That's what I'm craving. It was so sad (and sweet) to be with Mom these past years, that now that she's gone, I want to lighten up and have some fun, almost in memory of her. Life in some ways has been pretty draining, now maybe I allowed it, or maybe it just WAS, but it doesn't have to stay the same. So, I have no idea what I'm saying, which again is par for the course - I'm all over the map, but in the end, I think I AM gentler in most respects, softened around the edges, a little quieter and more introspective and accepting of everything as it comes. AND I'm impatient and restless, angry and resentful about some long-standing issues, but always always open to change for the better. For MY better, so for the better of all. Wish me luck...