a gentler me?

An odd thing has been happening lately to me. I seem to be experiencing all of my emotions on a fuller, more complete, intense level. So when I'm happy, I'm infused with happiness in every pore of my body. When I'm sad, I feel it all the way to my bones. When I'm angry, I can feel that heat emanating out of every cell. Interesting. Also interesting to note that I started this entry a day and a half ago, and am just finishing now. That seems to be the order of the day, as well - being a little fragmented, not feeling like I can get enough done, and by done, I mean little things like paying the bills, going for a walk, meditating.

I had coffee with Mary this morning, and she said she thought I was doing really well with my grieving, and suggested that Mom's death could have acted like a trigger for my other frustrations right now, like feeling like I'm not moving ahead, feeling like there are a lot of unresolved issues with different members of my family, not feeling like there are a lot of good things to look forward to. Of COURSE there ARE, but overall I've jumped to health issues with a child, to health issues with Mom, then health issues with Steve, then back to Mom, then running Steve's PSC campaign, to Mom dying, to having to get my root canal. Sometimes it just feels like duty and icky stuff dovetailing, without the really juicy, productive exciting stuff in between. I don't expect it always to be happy happy joy joy, but I'm in the market for some REALLY good news, and it's just not there. It's painful when I hear Melissa say, "The rewards are right here - just open your presents!" and I'm like, "Where are the gosh-darned presents? I don't see any. They're not here!" So I just keep coasting, hoping something will happen on the outside to break me out of my self-prescribed slump. I've talked with so many others that are feeling out of sorts, as well, so I know I'm not alone, and like I said, it's not ALWAYS like this - just this pervasive feeling that colors everything else, like, "When will 'this thing' happen?" I don't know what this "thing" is, and I have no idea what I expect to happen, it's just a feeling, of change in the air. We should be used to that by now, shouldn't we? And sure, I feel it totally on the inside, I just want to see it manifesting on the outside a little more - a little more movement, maybe our total home remodel, or buying a lake place, or planning a big trip this winter, some fun things that signify growth and change and expansion, maybe. I'm tired of just coasting, or feeling like I'm coasting. Everyone's quick to point out that my coasting is everyone else's frenetic pace, but it's an internal, individual thing, right? I'm not comparing myself to anybody else, just feeling what I'm feeling.

What am I feeling? Like I want there to be energy and enthusiasm in our house, and not just from me, from Steve, too. Some planning and execution of outings and excursions, planning for the future. I'm feeling the need to travel, to kick up a little. I'm tired of being home and responsible and taking care of everything - it's the same stuff day in and day out - FRESH!! That's what I'm craving. It was so sad (and sweet) to be with Mom these past years, that now that she's gone, I want to lighten up and have some fun, almost in memory of her. Life in some ways has been pretty draining, now maybe I allowed it, or maybe it just WAS, but it doesn't have to stay the same. So, I have no idea what I'm saying, which again is par for the course - I'm all over the map, but in the end, I think I AM gentler in most respects, softened around the edges, a little quieter and more introspective and accepting of everything as it comes. AND I'm impatient and restless, angry and resentful about some long-standing issues, but always always open to change for the better. For MY better, so for the better of all. Wish me luck...