seeing dimly

"For now we see in a mirror, dimly, then, face to face." That's in First Corinthians, the end part of my favorite Bible verses of all time, the love verses, as I call them. That's how I've been feeling lately, as if I'm seeing in a mirror dimly. I can't remember having been this exhausted, usually around mid-afternoon, so that I've literally curled up on the couch and taken hour long naps. My steps are slow and heavy walking up the steps, but I don't feel sick at all - just completely exhausted. I'm 100% healthy (did we ever doubt that? Don't answer...), I'm eating well, getting enough, good sleep. Okay, so I'm feeling a bit, well, down lately. I told Steve there are three danger signals that I watch for, and they are as follows: my inability to get out of my jammies for more than one day at a time, my incessant running around, and some obsessive action. I'm now doing all three, and I'm noticing them. What's my obsessive action? Watching "Desperate Housewives."

I know, it's hysterical, isn't it? Aren't we all just laughing right now? Sure, it's as funny as craving chocolate and spending too much money on clothes, but those can be very destructive and not-funny actions, trust me on that. So what does Steve say? "That's just fine if you want to spend your days in your jammies, you deserve to just rest, after your summer." And I think that's really sweet, but I feel really alone right now in my worrying, like I need someone to just HEAR me when I say I'm exhibiting all THREE of my danger signals. One wise friend asked me what was the danger, then, if I'm walking through those signals? I paused - depression? Um, anxiety? Uh, cracking up? Okay, the jig's up - I don't really think ANY of those things will happen, I run too hard FROM those very things. Maybe I just worry that if I don't keep going, I WILL become depressed, or anxious, or crack up (whatever that means). So, another friend rationalizes, what would be so bad about staying in your jammies and finishing up all four seasons of "Desperate Housewives" that you've got from NetFlix? Um, responsible, mature, productive people don't DO that - they keep going through everything, they don't slow down, they don't let anything get to them or break them. Ah, that's it - I must feel like there's someone or something out there that COULD break me, maybe?

It hearkens back to a past life memory of a lifetime in which my father at the time was scared of my power, so he killed my mother to get to me, but I told him I would not be broken, and I wasn't. I went on to be a medicine man of my tribe, but I remember thinking that all of the people were scared of me. I wonder if it was because of my strength to NOT be broken? Maybe they thought I wasn't quite normal because I didn't show weakness or pain? Maybe we're all meant to feel pain, to let it soften us, carve us into new beings. Maybe it IS okay just to BE. Maybe I don't need to keep moving, like the shark, so I don't die. A shark's a shark, and I'm Susie. Maybe it's not that I'm seeing dimly in a mirror, but for the first time, I'm seeing CLEARLY, and what I'm seeing is a human staring back at me. Hmmm, now that's an interesting thought. So that's my train of thought for today, as I breathe deeply and go back downstairs to cuddle Bill for a moment before we head to bed.