the best policy

Honesty. I had a mini-meltdown yesterday. I found myself sitting on a chair, chawing some gum, drinking my green tea, looking at the clock, wondering what to do for the next 5 hours until Bill got home from school. I felt like a caged rat - nothing helped, I wanted to just pace. My brain wouldn't slow down. I wrote a little, pulled myself up by the bootstraps, got into my walking gear and headed out the door with all of my things I needed to run errands. Once in the car, I told myself I'd wait for a sign from God as to what my next step should be. I wanted to call Melissa, but no, the sign had to come to ME, so I didn't. Then my cell phone rang - Melissa. My sign from God (as if she wasn't already from God!). Thank goodness for Melissa - I told her everything about how I'm feeling, about how I can't let go of all of those people, things, and events in my past that I regret and have disconnected from, and how I think it's related to Mom dying. To lose that huge connection, I feel the urgent need to reconnect all of those other little lost connections, but it's not what I really want to do - go back. So I walked at the Y, and it felt good.

I'm doing the best I can these days, but it's tough. A combination of the energies with the season change with Mom's death, all converging together inside of me to create really tumultuous waves. I could handle the previous stuff, stay on top and ride the waves, but this is really difficult, and I'm struggling. It feels different, deeper. So I schedule time with my friends - a spa party this afternoon, Symphony Rocks the Hub tonight, Bras on Broadway next Thursday, modeling in Florie's fashion show on the 30th. I'm carving out a fun life, then Steve tells me this morning he's annoyed. Why do I need attention all of the time, why do I need to go out all the time, aren't I content? And I say, "I sit at home a good part of the day, so if I sat home every night, as well, where, what would be the point of anything?"

I don't know if he understands, and I don't know if I can verbalize it, but understand that I am doing the best I can, I am trying to be as joyful and happy as possible, to make the most out of painful situations and times, but sometimes I need support. He sees me as independent, and I am, I guess, but not all of the time. It's nice to see your spouse as independent so you don't have to do the hard and messy work of helping or listening, but then why be married if not to share your life and all its messiness? So I speak honestly to my husband, and try to be honest with myself, and gentle with myself, because in the end I still believe that honesty is the best policy. Even when it's painful.