reflections

Slowing down, breathing, enjoying the beautiful leaves on the trees (still), cooking soup and succotash (c'mon, you know you just love to say it - succotash), stretching when I first wake up, then rolling over and hugging my pillow for a few more minutes. Going from activity to activity still, but slower, more mindful, stopping to bake warm chocolate chippy cookies if need be, if only to snatch a little dough, stopping to talk to Rhonda for 1/2 hour at the grocery store today, picking my outfit to wear to Symphony Rocks the Hub on Saturday (yes, Peggy, I'm dressing to the nine's - whatever THAT means).

Why do I think I need to run at a breakneck speed all the time? Why do I need to justify every minute of the day? Why do I feel guilty for just wanting to rest? I sleep so deeply at night now (thank god) but am still tired most every day. Maybe it's a different kind of tired, I don't know. It doesn't matter - I'm going great guns at the school and church and Symphony, and it feels really good to be helping so much. I wrote a first draft of a new children's book today about Mom dying, from the child's perspective, of course. It's called, "Where Did Grammy Go?" I'm sure it will be a while in the editing process, but I've got the good bones of it down, at least.

Writing - that's my love right now. Dad says he doesn't know if we'll ever get his book finished. It may just be too hard, too painful, but I still have hope. I feel like I'm floating while I write, as if I haven't landed, and maybe I haven't. So what I really want to say is that today I think it's okay to float, to not quite know where I have landed, because I don't think I have, landed, that is. I think I'm still floating after being uprooted, and that's just fine. Thinking I should be grounded somewhere, or should be doing something else, or something more, just isn't productive thinking right now. So today? Today I smile, and roast the rosemary lamb and potatoes, and take deep breaths while I walk outside in this beautiful weather. Tomorrow? Who in the world knows? I don't know anything these days, and that's just fine for now.