not lucid

I dreamt about Mom again last night. She was sitting in a chair at 912, and I was talking with her. Then I said, "Hey, Mom, you're alive, so this MUST be a dream," and I thought that was really great, because I was lucid dreaming, which means you KNOW you're dreaming. Then you can do all sorts of magical stuff, like look at your hands, look in a mirror, look at an object for 30 seconds and see what happens (the dreamscape shapeshifts into something else, in my experience). But Mom just looked at me, confused, and said she didn't know she was dead, that she didn't think she was dead. So I was like, crap, now what do I do? So I reassured her she WASN'T dead - it had to be my mistake, and I went around to her back and laid my hands across her middle shoulders, which is where she got so sore, and she mmmmmmmmed the way she always did.

I woke up feeling crappy. Here I'd thought I was making headway on this whole Mom dead thing, and then when I even figure it out in a dream, Mom doesn't know. I dreamt about her the night before, but no surprise as she's really been on my mind lately. I'm thinking the Mom in my dream is actually that holdout part of me that refuses to believe that she's dead, and this dream is bringing that up for me to look at and heal (hopefully). SUCK. Yeah, I miss Mom, can't stop thinking about her, hearing her voice, wanting just to see her again and have her tell me she loves me. Sigh. So on it goes.

Lucid means "suffused with light, luminous, translucent, sane, clear to the understanding, intelligible, clear;lucidity meaning clairvoyant, so I guess it all fits, right, that I had a lucid dream? In the end, is there any other kind? So I think about all of this as I clean for my neighborhood women's spa party tomorrow, and look forward to a warm lamb sandwich for lunch, and anything else that should come my way. I'm sober today, a little quiet and pensive, but that's okay - that's just how it is. At least I'm lucid (I think).