standing on the chair

I talked with John today, and he made me cry - twice. Am I mad at him? On the contrary, I am so grateful to be inspired by him. What made me cry? The first thing was that he said whenever he talks to people he stands on a chair, be it sturdy or wobbly or on wheels. He speaks about sometimes realizing you're standing on a chair, and that it's a precarious place to be, because it isn't sturdy, and you feel scared because you're all alone, and then you can become a target. I know he's personally been a target about several things he's stood up for when nobody else would. When he talked about being a target, the tears stung my eyes (yes, tears actually CAN sting). He said, "That's what your whole too-tall Susie thing is about - you're naturally standing on a chair your whole life," and I realize that's true. I would use the phrase "out on a limb all by myself" as I stood alone for almost 20 years in the spiritual community, withstanding blows from various factions and corners, withstanding the wind that shook that branch and threatened to knock me off the tree, all to make it safe and acceptable for everyone to be exactly who they are, no matter how different or new it may be, and I think I've accomplished that. So ... same feeling, different symbolism.

Then he said that what got him through some really tough times (I'm trusting it's okay for me to tell this story) was the absolute certainty that he would be taken care of, no matter what his circumstances looked like on the outside. And times WERE rough for him, and he did worry, but he WAS taken care of. He said it developed a real deep knowing and spirituality inside of him, so I looked at my own life, and my current situation, and what I've been through, and yes, I am well aware that things could always be much worse, but it's been pretty rough for about the last 5 years. Health issues involving my oldest son, mother, and husband. Health issues involving me, work-related hurts (now well healed, thank you), transitions, endings. No different than any of you, I know, but add it all up, and it can get pretty overwhelming.

But just sitting there listening to John, I knew he understands a lot, and he wanted me to know that he understands, and I KNOW that he understands. He's been through a lot, and keeps on going because he knows what he's here to do, and he does it. It isn't an easy job, just as mine isn't, just as yours isn't, but we keep going, because that's the only option. So while I walk, it DOES help to think of that image of being a chair stander, and what that means for me and my life. How has making that choice affected me? How has it helped me to grow into who I am today? I know it's meant everything, even if sometimes I question why in the world I'd choose that harder road when I'm sure there are so many other simpier options out there? I have no idea, I just know that I said yes a LONG time ago, and although I don't regret it, there ARE some days when I'm simply amazed at the whole idea of my life and what I've chosen to do this time around, and sometimes I just have to stand still for a moment and shake my head a little in amazement. The things we do...