dreamy

Steve would probably be embarrassed if he knew I was blogging this, but somehow I think it's important, even if I can't figure out exactly HOW. Maybe by writing it will come to me. I've had a thing for John McGinley for over 2 years now. If you don't know, John plays Dr. Cox in "Scrubs." Funny, but he's exactly the polar opposite of everything I believe in. He hates New Age and meditation, health food and emotions. On and on. That's not the point. There's just something about the way he grits his teeth, grimaces, and interlocks his hands over his head that just sends me. Seriously.

Steve's used to me having things for actors. Take John Corbett. I was SERIOUSLY hung up on him for several years (still am, sort of - have you SEEN him in "My Big Fat Greek Wedding?" Sigh). So it was with GREAT excitement that John McGinley came to me last night in my dreams. Yippee yahoo. Our faces drew closer and closer, then I said, "Is this infidelity?"

WHAT???? In a DREAM? You've GOT to be kidding me! Me, have morals even in my dreams? I wouldn't do anything with dreamy dreamy Dr. Cox, er, John McGinley, and the dream was over. Sigh. My point is this: why in the world would I stay faithful even in my dreams? I'm thinking it's because I feel pretty much the same way in my dreams as I do in waking. I wouldn't be unfaithful in "real" life, nor, apparently, in "fake" dreaming life. That is to say, my consciousness is full and awake and aware, even in my dreams. I know what's going on. I told Steve he should be happy that I'm faithful even in my dreams - that just shows how loyal I am - to give up on some fun with Dr. Cox, er, John McGinley? So, what does that say about anything? I don't know, really - maybe something about the integrating of left and right brain energies so that it's all more cohesive and blended, giving us more complete access to all experiences? As above, so below?

I noticed an evolving of my work, even just in the past two weeks, like there's no more difference in my source of information and myself, as if the two are now seamlessly overlaid. When I work, it's just ME. Why would that be cool? Because if that's true for all of us, we no longer have to "work" to be intuitive - it's just a natural part of who we are, probably as it was in the very beginning, before we got all bogged down with the "real" world. I feel more energized, peaceful, centered and calm - everything's not just all right, it's perfect. I can always tell when that feeling comes over me, because I almost want to cry when I look at a tree - it's so beautiful. That's how I feel about everything. Then I know I'm in that unity place, and again, I'm there now, and I'm so eternally grateful. It's not as if I WASN'T there those times before, but I was sidetracked by the other stuff working through. But now I'm consciously here again, and let me tell you it's paradise. Nothing makes me happier than making vegetable stew and risotto style barley for my fam, or reading Molly Moon to Bill, or swinging on the swings at the park, or helping a client or writing. Everything makes me happy, nothing's bringing me down.

On another note, check out Karen Bishop's newest energy alert at www.whatsuponplanetearth.com. I thought it was interesting that she spoke of releasing our patterns of empathy, because that is lower energy that brings us down. How? By us focusing on other people's lives, we take on their energy, and it's messing us up. I think I blogged about that a week or so ago, so it's always cool for me to read that other people are getting the same information. See, it's ALL new, unfolding one step at a time, so all anyone can do is read it one step at a time. But that's enough.

John McGinley and dreams? Try again, John - maybe we can have coffee and just talk about things. Maybe it's good to be friends, first. In the meantime, Stevie, you're darn lucky I'm such a good girl - John is just SO dreamy... (but nothing even CLOSE to how dreamy YOU are, sweetie). "Good answer," my sweet husband would say. "Good answer."

it's a beautiful day

I'm so glad whatever it was has blown over. I felt it lift the same time as the clouds lifted yesterday afternoon. I started humming, singing, and dancing (yes, dancing), decluttering, running (yes, running) around until Steve finally suggested that I "calm down a little." Maybe he was just jealous? Probably not. The enthusiasm and energy remains today (thank goodness) as I get all of my work done. It feels so good to finally have the clear head TO plow through my long list of "must-dos." The sun is still shining, it's warm outside (probably 60, which for us here in Fargo is pretty darn warm come the end of April). I'm excited to do the meditation up at Total Balance this coming Sunday. I've discovered a brand new meditation that works to establish and build the communications between Body, Mind, and Spirit in a beautiful, clear way, so I'm excited to share that with everyone. I'll be recording it onto a CD so I can make copies for people who can't make it. Plus, I'll do a short message at the end, because, well, that's ALWAYS a good thing.

Why do I feel so good inside? I don't know - nothing on the outside to link it to, no worries, though, about anything. I tried to remember my grievances over the past few days, and they all just fade like last week's blizzard snow in the hot sun. What's left then? Just me, sitting here with a little smile on my face, ready to go for a long walk outside, to feel the sun on my face and just be so darned grateful that I'm in a really great place. Am I worried about anything? Not one darned thing, and that's a blessed relief, let me tell you, in these days of feeling overwhelmed and confused. Everything just changes so fast that it's nice to feel like I've landed, at least for a while. I won't take this time for granted, or assume naively that it's going to stay like this, but for right now? Right now I'm fully appreciating and acknowledging it. How are YOU feeling? Like something's lifted? After January 1st, something had BETTER be lifting, right? And that's the nice thing - everything changes, even if it's "good" or "bad" - we don't have to wait too awfully long for the next step. Maybe that's why it's such a good idea to have named all of my work "The Next Step." That seems to be what I'm involved with, and it's such a blessing to be able to help in whatever way possible. After all, we're all in this together. I'm off for my walkies - the sidewalk beckons - can you hear it? It's probably the only time you'll hear something say, "Walk all over me, would you?" So I will.

second verse, same as the first?

Changes - I almost typed in ch-ch-changes, then realized I'd already had a title by that name (I think). I'm sitting here, having just ordered the vegetables for tonight's vegetarian stew (yum), am looking out the window at the severe thunderstorm that's blowing in from the southwest, wondering if there'll be hail or a tornado. I'm not ready for that yet - I still don't like lightning, but it doesn't render me comatose anymore (phew). What changes are in the air? Steve was different this weekend. I had no idea what permanent changes there would be in him after the convention, but I trusted they'd be positive, and trusted they'd be permanent. How was he different? Goofy, goofy, goofy. I haven't laughed that hard with he and Bill, well, ever. And it felt good, like cool moist air blowing across a hot dirt-caked land. I can almost see the seeds poking up out of the soil, can almost feel the fat rain falling on the dry ground. It's been so long. Bill noticed it, too, and asked Steve to help him get the shower started last night (doesn't happen very often). What's ahead? Gosh, I wish I knew. I wish I could wave that magic wand and see what's the "best" thing to do, what the end result is, how it will all end up, but I don't think that's possible anymore, because I think we're all making it up as we go, creating our end results - we're in charge. There's no magical anything out there that's poofing our best into reality. Every step we put on another shingle, or a shutter, or pick the carpet or paint color. We're in charge of building our own houses, and not because "they're" being mean to us, because then we get to decide how it's all going to come together, and isn't that a great idea? That we're not at the mercy of anything or anyone else, but we're grown up enough, spiritually, to be able to figure this stuff out, be empowered? While I'm still a little leery of the whole monumental task at hand (building a life), it's exciting, nonetheless, because, well, I've got some ideas. Here, let me tell you about them, then I want to hear about your ideas for your life. I know they're fabulous. Mine include a lot of warm oatmeal cookies.

oh my...

If you're not doing anything one of these weekends, do yourself a HUGE favor and get tickets to "A Midsummer Night's Dream" playing at the Guthrie through the middle of June. It was THEE funniest, best play I've seen in a LONG time. They modernized it a bit, adding music and dance (LOUD music and raucous dance). Billy loved it all, until the fake death scene at the end, where I covered his eyes, laughing all the time.

Hard to believe we were only gone a little over 24 hours, fitting in lunch at the Good Earth and shopping at the Galleria, dinner at Noodles, the play, and breakfast and a stop at the Albertville outlet mall. We're all exhausted, at 8:09PM, and ready for bed. I'm taking the day off tomorrow to get bids on redoing our bathrooms. Do I have a fun life, or what? (probably "what") Coming home to the beautiful warm sunny day, I'm still feeling the restlessness, but the three of us laughed so hard we couldn't stop sometimes. Especially when we saw a plant, and I wondered if it was real. Steve said, "Yeah, it's real - the bottom leaf is dead." Bill turned to his dad - "YOUR bottom leaf is dead." I couldn't stop laughing - I shouldn't have caught Kari's eye, because she had to turn away she was laughing so hard.

Oh sweetie, your bottom leaf is SO not dead. Seriously... What a great time, what great memories. This is what it's all about, isn't it? The real stuff. The rest? It's just fluff. Give me my family and my friends, the laughs and more laughs - I don't need anything else.

another dream?

We're heading out to the Cities (aka Minneapolis/St. Paul) to see "Midsummer Night's Dream" at the Guthrie - the beautiful new Guthrie. I can't wait. I'm wearing my "outfit." I almost slugged Steve when he asked, "What "outfit"?" Hello - my Taryn Rose shoes with the gold glitter, my white Nieman Marcus dress and green goddess jacket from Florentine's. Oh, and the cute little white clutch - how could he not know? Who IS he? So we get to see Kari, shop at the Galleria, eat at the Good Earth. Oh, can it get any better than this?

We're still talking about our future - what do we want, what's important to us, and I'm bugged by something today, and it's a little thorn in my side, and I can't shake it. A year ago, someone came to me and asked me to stop doing something I'd been doing for 20 years, because they wanted to turn it into a business and make money from it. I said no, they stole my e-mail list, and people thought their business was my fun stuff. When my friends found out, they got upset, felt like they'd been spammed. There's enough for everyone in this world, but whenever I see their business, or hear about other's opinions of this "business" I feel this funny thing in my stomach. I know it's a lesson for me, but I can't get the lesson. Steve can't really help. Let me figure it out. I have issues with helping people, then having them turn around and either use me, take me for granted, or turn their backs on me. So, then I ask myself, am I doing these kind things because I expect something in return? If so, then I'll be upset when they use me, take me for granted, or turn their backs on me, right? But if I'm doing things just for the sheer joy of doing them, nothing should bother me. Yeah, if I'm a saint, I guess. But I'm not - I'm still human (last I checked) and sometimes I DO like to be appreciated and supported and acknowledged (and I AM, don't get me wrong). Is there something wrong with that? I'm not trying to justify my actions, I'm really asking a serious question - IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG WITH THAT? I don't know. If these things are bothering me, I still have a ways to go. I'm sure I'll keep figuring it out.

I'm a little smarter, I think. I don't just jump in every time someone asks me for something - "can I have your 1000 person e-mail list to promote my business? Will you promote my expo? Will you put my cards in your office? Can I use your office for free to teach a class to all of your students and clients?" Uhm, no no no no no. I love everyone, I do, but enough is enough - when you start feeling used, it's your indicator that you're out of balance, and need to refigure things, so that's what I'm doing, have been doing, for over a year now. And it mostly works for me - I have an amazing group of friends that love and support me, I have an amazing family, amazing neighbors and coworkers. So maybe I just need to keep going, keep delving into those dark recesses of my psyche and ego, and keep uncovering those things that would probably rather like to be left covered. Those vulnerable, needy, self-centered, entitled parts that say, "But what about ME?" Sheesh - give me a break. Even that bores ME, and it IS ME!

I'll miss you all, but will return tomorrow evening, full of donkey heads and flowers and magical moments...

talking talking talking

Can you feel it? The change in the air? I can, and I said I wanted it, and now I'm not so sure. We say, "Let's get going, let's go someplace new," and then the opportunity comes up, the wind sweeps through the dusty, old stuff, and you're like, "Whoa hoa - hold on a minute, compadre - I didn't mean THAT kind of change," and you back peddle, but it may be too late. Is it too late for us? Did we intend change so fervently that the Universe said, "Okay, you WILL change - totally." That's what I'm thinking today. I look around at my beautiful house, and everything seems different. We've been in this house for 12 years, the longest we've stayed anywhere, by over two times. What do we want to do? Where do we want to be? How do we want to craft our lives? I don't know I don't know I just don't know.

I love my life. It's simply perfect, and I wouldn't change one single speck. I woke up, made Granny Meyer's oatmeal cookies that I'd chilled the night before. I put together the ziti and sausage bake for dinner, put tin foil over it and popped it into the fridge - all before 8AM. Now I sit, having just installed Office 2008, watching letters on the screen disappear, hoping they'll eventually come back so I can read again. I'm told to "_o_t" my blog, and I'm assuming it's "post" but gosh, you never know, do you?

Maybe that's part of this whole thing - we've been given an update, and it's overridden all the old, and the stuff that's not compatible is falling away. So how do we communicate without half of the known? Without half of the letters in the alphabet? The bottom of this post looks like this: "S : : B , l , , S , " - now what in the heck does THAT mean? I just don't know, and I'm scared, living in this new place, seeing all of these strange things that don't make sense. I don't know what to do, so I'm just going to walk slowly every step of the way, looking at what's right in front of me and making decisions that way. I guess that's all any of us can ever do, anyway, isn't it?

should we do it?

I don't know yet. I need to sleep on it. We looked at lake places today - saw a great one on Upper Cormorant - an exorbitantly huge amount of money, but then, it seems like ALL lake places are these days. But Steve had another idea. I wasn't exactly shocked, because it's been on MY mind a lot lately, more often than not lately. What it all boils down to is this: what will I regret if I don't do? What's important to me? What's important in my life? Family is number one. It's the reason I scaled back my work, it's the reason I cook beautiful meals every night, and the reason I fold the laundry. I love my family. How do we treat those we love? By spending time with them, by showing them we care in a myriad of ways.

I show my mom and dad I love them by taking an active interest in their lives, their health, and their concerns. I make phone calls, write e-mails, bake cookies and Moroccan Lamb Stew. I rub Mom's feet, and do healings on Dad's arthritic thumbs. I run to the pharmacy for their pills, then help Dad lay them all out. It is what I want to do. Do I have regrets? Yes, several right now, but that's not what I want to say. What I want to say is that I think the time has come for everyone (maybe everyone - I really only know for myself) to do exactly what they need to do in their lives, even if it's painful, or difficult, or hard, or you have to say good-bye to someone or something or someplace, or some lifestyle. We just have to DO it - whatever IT is, and I've felt these stirrings since January 1st, and it's not letting up. If anything, they keep getting stronger every day. I feel like I'm being led somewhere, and I still don't know WHERE. I just choose to keep walking. I wake up in the morning and I say "yes" all over again. I find myself saying, "I don't know" a lot these days. Erik asked me about karma this morning, and he said he didn't believe in it. I said, "You know, I really don't know. All I can figure out is what makes sense to me." And I guess that's all I have to say about that (ala "Forrest Gump").

why we're all tired (and feeling yucky)

I love my work. I'll say it again - I LOVE MY WORK. I had the honor of seeing THREE clients today, and learned more each time. Perhaps most fascinating to me was the information that came (out of the blue, believe me) about why everyone's so tired lately, and feeling kind of icky, yucky, nauseous, and out of sorts. The answer's found in the myelin sheath. Now, I've heard that term before, but had no idea of what it really was. I knew it was something in our bodies, and it wrapped around SOMETHING, and protected it, but couldn't remember what. So I just kept talking. We've all been storing a lot of toxins, poisons, and dense energy in our myelin sheaths, and around January 1 (that big jump that has really been kicking my butt, personally) we got everything stored in our myelin sheaths "dumped" out of that area into our systems, causing a demand for a major detox. All of that junk and gunk now floating around in our systems needs to be released out of our bodies, and the work that's demanded for releasing it is making a lot of us really tired, and the toxins are making us feel on and off really crappy.

So then I look at what that means to us, and I'm seeing that by storing that gunk and dense and old energy in our myelin sheaths (which, by the way are the membranes that wrap around the ends of the neurons and protect them - lack of them creates multiple sclerosis - I looked it up), it is like a house whose windows are covered in dried mud. You can't see out, the sun can't get in - everything is blocked. So, now our "windows" are clear and our electrical systems can now connect more fully and completely, without any junk gunking up the works. Makes sense to me. In the meantime, we work with releasing all of that junk. How? I just ask my body what it needs, then I do it. I haven't had much of an appetite these past three days, so I've been eating light, a lot of vegetables and a LOT of water. My stomach's still bloated, and I feel fat, but I just keep on keeping on, staying focused on taking care of my body, and releasing any other thoughts about what I SHOULD be weighing, or how it should all look. That old way of looking at the world just doesn't cut it anymore for me - I've entered into some new, foreign territory that's new each day. I learn things I didn't know about before. Things make sense in new ways to me. They may not make sense to anyone else, but that's okay, because we're each on our journeys alone, discovering this foreign territory that is ourselves. Sure, we have loved ones, friends, and family, but in the end, it's a solo journey. I'll help if I can, pass on information I'm receiving, but in the end, man, it's just one big mystery unfolding every moment.

If we can trust (I put on my "trust" bracelet today, then only noticed I had it on when I was listening to Billy Joel singing "It's just a matter of trust" on the radio - ah, I get it - the message is for me to trust), and that's really difficult sometimes because it's just so d*****d hard sometimes, when you're in the thick of the battle, tired, wondering if you even want to take another step. But if you just stop for a moment, that's all, just a moment, take a deep breath, then you can feel it again - that feeling of peace that overcomes you, and you know, you just know, that everything is all right, everything is going to be all right, and it's all happening exactly the way it's supposed to be happening (even if it's not exactly HOW you thought it should happen, or as fast as it should happen). And in the end, continuing is the only thing you CAN do. That, and trusting.

I don't want to be in-formed

We get the daily newspaper because we want to stay informed. Next time we'll go online to save trees. Our overflowing recycling bin admonishes us daily. I glance over the headlines, hoping to land on something I want to learn more about. Trials, failing economy, Clinton and Obama arguing, homeowners in trouble, banks closing, airlines going under. On and on, my eyes flit and flee before the news. No more, I decide, and close it. I'm going to make up my own daily news, information I want to focus on and think about, so here's the Ekberg Tribune, resurrected from 1969 when the first edition came out.

The Ekberg Tribune
Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Yes, it's true, taxes are due today, but when you look at the total symbolic amount for what your work was worth for the last year, express GRATITUDE that you've made so much money. What abundance, what an amazing creature you are to have earned so much money, and just think of how many people and programs will be benefited from this check you are so lovingly putting in the mailbox before midnight.

My mom is still alive. Not only that, we talk every day, and her voice always sounds chipper. She and Dad are sharp as tacks, an amazing feat in these days of Alzheimer's and dementia. QOL, I always say (quality of life).

The snow has melted! Not a trace is left, and the brave little green grasses are poking tentatively out of the ground - "is it safe yet?" Probably not, but it's safe enough. It's always safe enough.

There's more news about the dangers of plastic in bottles. People are waking up!! They truly and really are. I have faith in the people of the world, and I think it's exponentially coming faster and faster. The next step (I'm praying)? Better food in the lunchrooms, hospitals, and the outlawing (yes, outlawing) of high fructose corn syrup. Oh, and incentives for organic farmers to start up (I have this vision that in the next 5 years the country will be populated by hubs of organic farms and meat processing plants and we will be able to get our produce from within a 100 mile radius - yes, yes, yes - I see it).

The US Government has started a Department for Peace, and I'm the representative from North Dakota. I may have to turn it down, it depends on how this whole school lunch program turns out - right now I'd rather head up THAT committee and get it nationwide.

Friendship Week has been extended to Friendship Millenium, and people are encouraged to call a friend every day and tell them what they love about them. People without friends have a hotline to call to get connected with other friends, or just to talk. It's 1.800.ALL.FRIENDS. Groundbreaking developments every day, so stay tuned.

Therapy cats are now being trained to rent out to lonely people, free of charge and for as long as you want. Jack is among the first to volunteer. He IS awfully fuzzy and cuddly.

Law goes into effect, IMMEDIATELY, that everyone has to receive and give, at least 5 hugs a day. If you haven't reached your quota, you will be required to ask permission, then hug a stranger. Always ask permission.

Well, there you have it - the Ekberg Tribune, full of possibilities for a brighter, gentler world. Please submit your story ideas to me and I'll be glad to post them. Have an enlightened day.

e=mc2 (what's YOUR equation?)

It came while I was doing my tune-in trade for Missy Pooh this morning. I cherish those weekly tune-ins, as they always invigorate me, give me fresh insight and new information that's so valuable right now in these murky times. Most interesting to me at this juncture is the idea that we're currently grappling with our own unique "soul equations" right now, and that's why most of us are feeling exhausted, frustrated, and restless as we try to "get" it. Remember in junior high and high school when you were learning new theories in math? At first you'd see the teacher write down this LONG equation, full of x's and y's and maybe even some other letters that weren't numbers, and you'd be thinking, "now how in the world am I going to figure all of THAT out?" Yet, it was kind of like magic, because by simply changing some of those numbers around, you would get a whole new outcome, just using that one standard equation. Magic! So the thought is that we each have our own unique equation, full of variables. The length of our equation, the difficulty, is determined by our spiritual strengths, and our desire to be able to DO more. To DO more, we need more complicated equations.

So, it appears that the FIRST thing we need to do is figure out WHAT our equation looks like (not even to mention figuring out how to solve it). If we don't know ourselves, we can't know our potentials or our gifts or our possibilities. So I remember a dream I had several years ago. I was in a classroom and the teacher was writing this LONG equation on the board. Before I could stay in class to get the definition, I was called out to help other people. By the time I got back, the class was over. I panicked, and told the teacher I'd missed the explanation because I was out helping others. He handed me a book and said, "No worries - all the answers are in this book." So in the dream, even though I'd apparently missed the explanation part because I was so busy taking care of others (a life issue of mine), I knew that when I needed the information I'd be able to access it, even if I didn't understand it all now. And I think that's exactly what happened to me, and what is unfolding for us right now. So, we need to first figure out WHAT our equation is, then totally focus on it.

I hear others tell me, "What's the big deal? This is easy - you're making it too difficult," so now I think that may be because their equation is 2+2=4, or something like that, so it IS easy for them - that's the equation they picked. But everyone's equations are different, so it doesn't do any good to compare or judge. I can't say, "Well, I'm superior because my equation is WAY long," or "you're not trying hard enough because you have a short equation." We all, on some level, at some time, for some reason, picked our unique equations, and I believe those equations are nothing less than the blueprint of our Souls, the map that will lead us back to ourselves. We're all unique, right? There's no one else like in this whole Universe, before, now, or tomorrow, right? So that's our unique equation. Our variables are our gifts, our Helpers, our desires, our past lives - you and I might both have an X in our equations, but mine is coupled with a Y right there in the beginning, and yours is toward the end. You get it? Similar parts, but put together differently, shaped by different events and situations.

It's not a question of who gets done first, or who is fastest - it's who figures it out. And in the end, that's the only thing that really matters. So I can't help you figure your equation out - I can only act as an inspiration and live my equation, thus inspiring you to figure yours out. You can't wish for someone else's equation - doesn't work that way, but you can pull all your energies into your own precious life and concentrate on figuring your own out, and I guarantee you that your equation is perfectly you - it's exactly what you've been looking for your entire life, heck, for ALL of your lifetimes, since this all began. You won't be disappointed. Now it's just a question of believing that's true, asking for Help, and being willing to be tutored in your own specially-designed math class. Don't worry - you'll get it. There's no such thing as failure - it's just a matter of time. And desire. How badly do you want it?

okay, so I'm not so mad anymore...

But I was. I felt betrayed, set up, almost. It felt like Steve could get the nomination if we only visualized it hard enough, if we only believed in it, 100%. So I did visualizations every night - imagined everyone in the state feeling Steve's great energy, hearing his name, perking up whenever they saw him. Every single night, religiously. I stayed open, I meditated, I prayed. I kept saying, "if this is in our Highest Good, let it be." I supported him, giving up hundreds of hours to do all the behind-the-scenes work, willingly, and lovingly, because I believe in him, and I wanted him to be happy and follow his dream. He believed it, too. Rats - I'm getting angry again as I'm typing this, but I'll go ahead and keep pushing on through, to try to gain some clarity through the fog. I think sometimes that's the only way. If we're stuck and can't see, or feel like our feet are in the mud, it doesn't do any good to just sit and complain and pout. That won't move us out of it. The only way to move out of the fog and mud is to keep walking. Eventually you'll see clean, fresh air again, and feel the ground solid beneath you. The fog doesn't last forever, just in patches, and just sometimes, right?

So we felt the letdown for these past two weeks, slowing down to a crawl, feeling really tired and drained. Understandably so, after all the hours and work, traveling, planning, phone calls, e-mails, and handshakes. But Steve's upset, too, thinking his intuition was really leading him to the nomination. It's almost worse for me to feel HIS shaken faith, because I'm used to getting mad at my "higher ups" - I've been with this for so many years, it's all like one big family. And sometimes you get mad at family, don't you? But you come back, and you always love them. So I asked Steve about it, and he said if something good DOES come out of all of this, then he'll be okay with it, but nothing (continues) to unfold for him, so he waits. And I wait. But I'm used to waiting, aren't I? The good little patient one - NOT. I'm not patient, I'm restless most of the time, liking the forward motion that comes with living and working with decisions and plans. But that's not happening now, and hasn't really happened in my life for a couple of years. I gave up that control, and decided to be led for a while. It made me feel calmer, until all of this. Now I don't know what to do anymore.

I walked out of the grocery store this afternoon, and apologized for being so mean. I heard these simple words: "don't worry about anything - just rest." I don't know what means - don't I have to be doing something? Shouldn't I be doing something? Making phone calls, meeting with people, planning things? I guess not. Just rest. Which in my world translates into taking care of Bill, the house, Steve, and seeing my clients, writing the column, this blog, working on Dad's book and my nutrition class. That's my rest. But I'm really not mad, if I dig way down deep, because all along I said "if it's in our Highest Good," so it obviously wasn't in our HG, and I'd be the world's worst hypocrite if I didn't really believe that to the core of my being. And I DO believe that. It's just that sometimes I feel like a petulant child - "But you PROMISED!!" But we NEEDED to believe in ourselves, 100%, to do this - if I'd thought he didn't have a chance (and there WERE times when I thought that, to be honest), why both at all? If you don't put yourself totally into something you believe in, you'll never succeed -- at anything. So I know we did the right thing, and did it the right way, and for the right reasons, and I'm not even really mad anymore, but I still don't know what that next step is, and I keep hearing that it's right around the corner, but then I've been hearing THAT for more than two years now. I guess we'll just have to remain patient and wait to see what keeps unfolding. Oh yeah, and see who's the Biggest Loser next Tuesday night (go Ali!).

hi-lite of my day

It was so good to see Mom and Dad. I cooked my "famous" french chicken cassoulet and risotto style barley for lunch, and made a quadruple batch of their favorite piquant meatloaf to freeze. I researched lighterweight wheelchairs for Mom, and even managed a trip to Barnes and Noble for some R&R. Oh, AND an ionic foot cleanse from the Dakota Natural Center - lovely. They loved the Reiki I'd done for them the night before, putting them both into a nice, deep sleep. It was hard to leave them - it always is. I feel guilty and badly when I'm in Fargo, that I'm not with them, helping, and I feel sad when I'm in Bismarck, missing Bill and Steve. Is it always that way? I suppose so. But I kissed them both good-bye and headed east. We had to get to the Harlem Globetrotters by 7PM.

I'd seen them when I was about Bill's age. I can only remember Meadowlark Lemmon, although I know there were a whole bunch of really great athletes and basketball players. Bill was so excited. I don't know how we landed such awesome seats, right down on the main floor, in the front, in the end court, but there we were. They came out to members of the audience, coaxing "Roxanne" to dance with them, throwing water on others. It was loads of fun. Bill bought a basketball to have the sign later. Hi-Lite left the game and came over to me, a 6'5" Harlem Globetrotter. He took my hand and started talking to me, telling me I was pretty. I was SO embarrassed, I started patting his hand. Seriously. Like you would a child's hand. He took his hand away, then brought it back and asked me to do it again, smiling for the crowd. I did, but I could feel my face burning red. Seriously. Bill says, in a kind of louder voice, "She's married, you know." I started laughing really loudly, and so did everyone around us.

After the game, we stood in line to get the ball signed, and there was Hi-Lite. He pointed at me and said, " I remember YOU," then gave me a high five. I suppose I have that "sucker" look to me, seeing as Globey, the mascot, tickled me horribly while we were getting our picture taken with him, but it's all in good fun, I'm thinking, and adding up the night's costs (the ball was $25!!), I thought of the Mastercard ad - Harlem Globetrotters tickets - $42.50, basketball - $25 - bavarian almonds - $4 - time with your son - PRICELESS. AND the hi-lite of my day, to be sure.

stranger than fiction

I went back to Lincoln at 4PM to take the recyclables over to the center across the parking lot. I loaded the three full bags into a garbage can on wheels, and made my way out the back door, car keys in hand. I unloaded the bags in front of the 8 foot high, chainlink, locked receptacle. I hefted the biggest one, gained momentum by swinging it back and forth a few times, then heaved it over the top... along with my keys. I just stood there, looking through the chain link, then the corrugated plastic, then the tarp at the pile of cans rising at least 5 feet in the air. I walked all around - solid chain link. I looked over at my car, just sitting there, innocently waiting for me to get back in and drive back home. Just sitting there, along with my cell phone in the front seat.

I walked around the receptacle a second time. Think think think. I can't drive home, I can't call anyone, I can't break in. Or can I? I walked to the back and noticed that some of the chain link in the corner at the bottom was pulled back. I pulled it back a little more, then reached in and tried to pull back some of the corrugated plastic. There's a hole in the tarp! And what's sitting there, at the bottom of the heap, in the corner, staring right at me? My keys. I reached in with my right hand, blindly, groping around, touching can after can, now kneeling, not low enough, now laying flat on the wet concrete, my left arm out to my side to help me keep my balance, my right hand stretching as far as it could go. Was that my keys? No - just another can. How far down do these cans go? Down down. I wondered for a brief moment what I looked like. I wondered what I'd say to the policeman when he came over to investigate the crazy woman trying to break into the aluminum can collection site. I wondered why there was a hole in the tarp in the first place if nobody had ever tried to break in before, and if so, why? Maybe they'd heaved THEIR keys over the top, too.

About to give up, feeling my right wrist chafing and burning, I finally closed in the car door opener part of my keys, and thought I heard my car alarm go off. Oh god, seriously. People were still streaming out of the school, the carnival now over, me lying on the ground, now my left leg hovering about a foot over my right leg, my left arm still out. I quickly pulled my hand out, WITH my keys, brushed off my jeans, noticed the red welt raising on my wrist, and nonchalantly walked to my car, waving at everyone, got in and quickly drove off.

slow and steady

I put one foot in front of the other, not knowing where I'll be after my next foot is placed. I don't know what's around the next corner, I can't even really see where I've been, because I went so far so fast, and the terrain is filled with fog that has not yet burned off. So, while I can't see, I can still trust - I can put my instrument panel on auto pilot and trust it, instead of my usual five senses. They teach you that in piloting school. Very quickly you can get land and sky mixed up, and if you DON'T trust your instruments, you'll crash.

How can we get basic up and down mixed up? If you spin around really fast, everything gets mixed up. We lose our bearing. I've lost my old bearing, much as I think others have, as well. Our OLD reliable way of measuring things and planning things and controlling things. All gone. Our outward landmarks and rudders, gone. What's left? Just ourselves, and we'd better get integrated and grounded and centered awfully fast, because life isn't slowing down any. In fact, in many respects, it feels like it's speeding up. What's speeding up? The removal of the old, the falling away, I call it. What's falling away in YOUR life? Sometimes I can still feel like the old Susie, but increasingly I look at myself in the mirror, or tune in to myself, and everything is different. Well, not different, really, just MORE. More of me, if that makes sense. Like I'M included in a bigger house, or balloon, or whatever symbol you can use. I've burst my borders, and that's good, because the old is limiting and conditional and rigid. But it's a process, it certainly is. It's just too much to think about right now, so I'm just living in each moment, without much thought for what's coming ahead. I don't believe the promises that "it's right around the corner," because that next corner never comes. I still believe that I can't see the whole picture, and I still HAVE to believe that there's a higher plan at work, or this would all just be too difficult.

I will blog right now, then help Bill take a shower before the carnival. Then I will walk. Then I will make dinner. Then we will read. Then we will sleep. Then I will teach Sunday School. Then I will walk again. Then I have no idea what's next. We have a big governor's dinner on Monday, which will be fun. Then I'll go to Bismarck for the rest of the week to see Mom and Dad, coming home in time to take Bill to the Harlem Globetrotters. John Scott's coming to town for his art opening, and that's always a party. Then we head to the Cities to see a Midsummer Night's Dream and give Kari some hugs. Then she graduates, and moves onto another leg of her journey, and then I think there's that change again, and I don't want to think about that, so I'll concentrate on heating up last night's stir fry and drinking a lot of water with lemon in it. THAT I can handle - the rest? Too much. Too much.

divine reason

Last night was magical. I'm so thankful to Florie out at Florentine's de Paris for asking me to be a part of her fashion show. I realize I've known Florie for over 20 years, since she was at the Holiday Mall in Moorhead. Sadly, my camera died before I could take a picture of me in my third outfit, the one in which I actually had cleavage (!), but I believe in reasons for everything, but I couldn't even post the other two pics as my camera's STILL dead, even after charging it. I must've been so beautiful that it broke (I'd hate to think it was the opposite reason).

I got a phone call yesterday from a friend asking me about what's going on with everyone right now. So I told her I'd blog about what I know is the most recent "happening" on the energy scene. Again, we're all going through this at the same time, so even though we experience things differently, there's no "experts" out there - just different experiences and different perspectives. I throw my experience and perspective into the mix, then.

What I think this current energy feeling is, is the concrete realization that we've moved into a new place of being, where our old junk no longer resides. We may still be trying to hold onto the old, but it just isn't working, and that's upsetting a whole LOT of us. I know personally I'm trying to hold onto some things and it's making me really sad. I've got a few friends that I've had to recently let go of. It's like we're looking at each other on opposite sides of a window. No right or wrong, just not resonating anymore. I've had to let go of thinking I can control my work. Clients still schedule, but I don't have that burning desire to be out there in the forefront teaching and leading anymore. I did it for 20 years, and it's time to release and move on. I like to keep getting, and getting, and getting, and never letting anything go. Now, I'm not a packrat, but energetically-speaking, I don't like good-byes of any sort. We're being faced with all sorts of relationship, health, friendship, work, home, and emotional issues right now. We're just not getting any breaks, and it seems that the more stuff we're hanging onto, the more drag we're going to be feeling as that makes MORE for us to be dealing with. The easiest time seems to be had by those who open their hands, palms up, and who say, "I'm open." I try to remember to do that, but it gets tough.

I'm sitting here with a little redness on the left side of my throat, a combination of the stress of Steve's surgery, the convention, and facing all that's coming up, whether we perceive it to be good OR bad. This restlessness? It comes from wondering if we're living our lives to the fullest, if we're doing what we WANT to be doing, or if we're just coasting. It's like we're all instantly waking up, and are able to see clearly into every aspect of our lives. There's so much to do, how will we have the time or energy to do it all? We wonder. And we get supported by others, but gone are the days when we can just sit back and expect others to do it FOR us. I spoke with Gwen Rust about that last night, and I told her I've spent approximately the last three years taking care of everybody else, helping them with their dreams, or their health, or their life, and I've just about had enough. I want to live MY life, live my dreams (much less have anyone help ME with MY dreams), and I'm not angry or resentful, I'm just realizing that I've given myself to others for long enough now, and I think that's what a lot of other people are feeling.

Imagine everyone as individual energy currents running vertically. Now imagine that every time you go out of your own life (energy field) and DO something for someone else, a line of energy veers off of your own current line. If everyone is going around doing that, nobody is living IN their own lives, they're all enmeshed and just a part of everyone else's lives, so energetically we've all been shaken up to re-establish those energy current lines to just be our own. Everybody now has their own lives, their own energies, and it's no longer possible to take care of others by giving them your energy (it never was really possible before, but we acted like it was). So if we're still trying to do that, we're getting frustrated. If we really did it in the past (uh hum - Queen speaking here), it's taking some getting used to to NOT do that anymore. There are no more victims, no more martyrs, no more enablers, no more abusers - we're all 100% responsible for our lives and our actions, and it's tough love in action, but in the end, it's going to be really great, because then we'll all be empowered to live our lives fully, no limitations.

How long will all of this continue? I used to put time limits on it, but now I realize this is an ongoing process, and will continue to unfold and refine for the rest of our lives. The thing I need to be reminding myself is that it IS all good, and we're in good hands, and there IS some reason for this seeming madness. Even when I get really pissed and frustrated, I just take a moment, step back, take a few deep breaths, and walk again, albeit a little slower, like I am right now. We can never stop permanently on this spiritual journey, we can only take a breather, rest for a while, or slow down. I'd recommend you don't try to sprint, however - that will just tired you out REALLY quickly, and from what I can see, it's a looooooooooooong trip.

a model citizen

Yes, I will be a model in a fashion show tonight. Yes, I will look hot. Yes, I bought two of the three outfits I will be modeling. Yes, this is important at this time in my life. Why? Because today part of me is feeling like life has kicked me in the teeth a couple of times these past months, and I'm feeling a little tired of life. Yes, we all know it's lifelike, and yes, most of the time I'm Pollyanna with my rose-tinted glasses, the optimist amongst the horse poo saying, "I just KNOW there's a pony in here somewhere!" But today, even with the sun shining beautifully and warmly on my skin, and even after my one hour power walk, and even after eating an aggression cookie (okay, TWO), I'm still feeling bone tired in my soul. I called Maggie and told her. Her answer? A trip to the day spa, so we go there on Saturday after the carnival.

But it goes beyond that at this point - this feeling adrift, floating, not grounded or certain of anything anymore. Part of me wants to pack it all in and just move (I've heard there are rumors floating around that that's what's happening anyway), part of me wants to buy a lake place and escape to the waters, part of me wants to fly someplace and just SIT for a while, part of me wants to just sit and hold Billy Boy and breathe deeply. So there I am - several parts of me all wanting something different, and in the meantime, I'm just standing here not knowing what's going on. I know a lot of other people are feeling that way, and I'm one of the strongest people I know, and if I feel this way, how must others be feeling? Lost, out of control (an issue of mine), without purpose or guidance, alone, adrift. Like, as I say, the bread hollowed out without the spinach dip. Everything inside of you is scraped clean, and you're waiting for the cool stuff, the cool thing to come back in and fill you up, to replace what was taken out, you wait, you wait... nothing. So that's how it feels today - like nothing. Not that that's bad, mind you, but I'm tired of the hard work, I'm tired of the being patient, and "it's just around the corner" kind of encouragement. Where's the darned corner???? I never seem to get around it - it's always just up ahead.

So I've decided just to sit here and wait for the blasted corner to find ME. I'm done with the walking, the doing, the striving for, the eternal last chance workout with Jillian to get the title of Biggest Loser (okay, so now you know what I do on Tuesday nights). It may well all be for my Highest Good, but right now my human side is wasted, tired out, spent. I need to recuperate, reevaluate everything, get my bearings. I'll let you know what I figure out. How are YOU feeling these days?

I think I got it backwards

I started my life as a universalist - believing I was one with the Universe, talking to rocks and grass and animals, and listening to them. I lived in this dreamlike world where everything kind of all blurred together. Then I entered into the Church world of rules and regs, of waiting for the end of the world, and receiving the gift of tongues, of praying for other's souls, of marching in front of the abortion clinic, of serving on church boards and cooking tater tot casseroles for funerals. Then I did a 180 and entered the world of the spiritual folks, that wide open world where anything seemed to go, and not much was cohesive. There were no real landmarks or help anywhere, just a lot of people shouting that THEY had the best, the fastest, the only answer for you.

I navigated through those waters for several years, carving out my identity and thoughts and beliefs, laying older beliefs aside, embracing new ones, embracing old ones previously discarded. I saw some similarities in the old church system and the new, supposedly improved "enlightened" system. Ours is the best, ours is the oldest, more respected, most powerful, thee only. I didn't fit that peg, either. I got hurt and betrayed and disrespected and yes, persecuted, but kept going, firmly believing in the thought that we are all ultimately responsible for our own lives and our paths we choose to take. So I kept creating and refining my life, watching with interest the twists and turns it took, especially in these past 3 years. I went from overweight and unhealthy to slim and amazingly perfectly healthy. I went from leaving the Reiki community to stepping back lovingly to let the Masters I helped fly out of the nest to come into their own. I went essentially from being ONLY spiritual to being EVERYTHING. I learned (and am still learning) that I can be IN the world FULLY and still be myself. I learned I don't have to cut myself off from the rest of the world to do my work - it's imperative to be fully here so we CAN help others in the best way possible. And I'm doing that, just by being myself. I can see it when others look at me - something's different, and it's good.

So for me, it was all about taking this next step into integration that marks another important step in my maturation process. I'm growing up into the fullness of being. I'm not apart or separate from anyone or anything. I go to church, I teach Sunday School, I pray, I read the Bible, I meditate, I do yoga, I do my work, and there's no separation. I look around and see others who were where I just came from, and I just smile - you'll walk through that door someday, I want to say, but I don't. I just smile, knowing that those who've walked through the next door are smiling BACK at me. It's a discovery we all have to make on our own, and there's nothing good or bad about any of it. It all just IS. And I have to say I'm LOVING where I am right now - I feel so loved and embraced and supported and respected by the general community - I feel a PART OF, which is important to me.

Those great Republicans have created this big ol' warm spot right there in the center of my heart. I love Democrats, too - most of my friends are Democrats, so that's not the point. The point is this: I'm finding my family, and it's not about blood or politics or religion or ANY of that - it's maybe more about finding myself in all of this, and holding onto that. Yes, maybe THAT'S the point of this all. I know we've turned a corner, Steve and I, and nothing will ever be the same again. Would I have predicted this moment? Not on your life! Would I wish for our lives to be any different than they are right now? Not on your life! Do I know what's next for us? Not on your life! On OUR lives, yes - but on YOUR life? No - you've got your own life.

So, maybe I didn't get it backwards, maybe I'm just drawing the last part of the circle to connect all the different parts of my life - experiencing the wholeness, then the separateness on the left, then the separateness on the right, to connecting all so I can be the circle, and live my life from the center of that circle. Yes, that's it.

what a difference a day makes

I'm sitting here listening to the Bach Concerto in D Minor for Two Violins, the Largo, the one that Dad, Nancy and I used to play all of the time (I played the piano), and it DOES bring tears to my eyes. All those memories - standing in the piano room at the black upright piano, Dad behind me on the left, Nancy on my right. Dad played first violin, so Nancy would start out the Largo, then Dad would come in a few measures later with that haunting, lilting high E as it holds, suspended - you'll just have to listen to it sometimes - breathtakingly and achingly beautiful.

Yesterday was a tough tough day - I felt like a watermelon that was hollowed out, only there was no fruit salad! Then Steve came home from work and showed me his laptop. There were almost 100 e-mails from delegates all over the state. The main phrase was that he and I were a "class act." I don't know how much of this is sinking in for either of it, but it's nice to hear. Then this morning I got an e-mail from one of my favorite brothers-in-law, Jot, who lives in Minneapolis. That was the first that made me cry, so I want to share it:

Dear Susie and Steve,
I just learned of your disappointing news. I’m so sorry. Yet as I think of your effort I am reminded of Teddy Roosevelt’s famous quote from 1910:
It is not the critic who counts, nor the man who points how the strong man stumbled or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena; whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly...who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, and spends himself in a worthy cause; who, at best, knows the triumph of high achievement; and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat.
Steve, you did great. This may not be your time, but take pride in trying, in striving, in getting your face dusty, sweaty and bloody. I’m proud of you!

Jot

To feel that unbelievable and solid love and support means the world to ME (I won't speak for Steve). Roosevelt's quote was an EXACT duplicate of what Steve went through, and maybe that's why I cry - it was so incredible to see his great enthusiasm and devotion, spending himself in a worthy cause, and yes, his failing while daring greatly. He is definitely NOT a cold and timid soul. But still - to see the one you love get so beat up is difficult, at the very least. I want to just hold him and tell him I'll go talk to the teachers, but wait - he's not my child! I want to tell him I'll talk to someone about it, but wait - there's no one to "talk to about it" because it just IS. And we're both grown up. So I just stand at his side and quietly take his hand, and pat it sometimes. I think he knows what that means.

tired

If you think you're going to find something energetic and enthusiastic in me today, you are mistaken. I feel tired, soul tired, from the inside out. It is as if someone has died. It is as if you give up everything for three months, trying to help, then at the end of it, someone dies. You're left with nothing, and you don't know what to do next. How do you pick up your life and just go on, when everything feels different? Like you've been slung by a giant rubber band out into the middle of the ocean, then left adrift, stranded in the middle of nowhere. At least BEFORE you knew where you were - you had your bearings, everything was familiar.

Now I feel deserted, alone, sad, aching for Steve. He came home at lunch, icing his hernia, just wanting to rest. All I wanted to do was cuddle up next to him and tell him that I loved him. I wanted to write a note and stick it on the front door that read, "I love you and I'm so proud of you," but what did I do instead? Get bitchy because he hadn't unloaded the dishwasher and loaded it back up again. Just one more thing for me to do, to be in charge of, and frankly, well, I'm tired of having to do it all. And I know it's not ALL, but it's making Bill's lunch, giving him his shower, reading to him, cuddling him, watching him play his video games, grocery shopping, laundry, picking up, cooking, nothing stops or even slows down - it's just dovetailing into more work, and sometimes it's just too much, you know?

I don't expect a parade, I don't expect applause, I don't want Steve to thank me, I don't want anything, really, just a little break. Just a little break - just something spectacular to come along and affirm that everything we've been doing these past 47 years has been for something GOOD, and NOT just our "rewards in heaven," oh no - I'm not at that point right now - I want some rewards RIGHT DOWN HERE ON EARTH. And if you mention "The Secret" or trying too hard (it's all so easy) or just having the right attitude, then I might just have to yell at you. It's NOT one-sidedly "easy" - it's complete, whole, 360 degrees of feeling every emotion and embracing the experiences. It isn't sugar-coating or running away or medicating - it's about uncovering the very kernel of yourself and having the guts to get mad, to ask questions, to keep coming back to it. It's about being honest.

Is that seriously too much to ask? Perhaps. I don't know anything today, as I sit here, needing to go to Penney's to return Bill's shorts then get some groceries for dinner tonight. I don't know, really - I won't turn my back on everything and everybody, tempting though it feels, I've been through too much to be that silly, but I WANT TO, really I do - just get dramatic and say, "Well, I'll be in my room ... for the next year!" but I can't do that for some reason. I can't get into a victim mode - don't get me wrong - I'm pretty upset right now, but I'm not mad at specifically ANYONE, for I chose to do what I did these past months, without any assurances of outcome. My eyes were wide open. I wanted to support my husband and his dream. But there's just something in my gut today, and I haven't quite figured it out yet, so not knowing, I won't write anymore. But thanks for listening to my rant anyway - after all, I'm only human...

What I'm Grateful for about the last 3 months

1. My husband and I are now a stronger team than ever
2. I found out I'm really good in politics (I always knew that Steve was)
3. Everyone in the state now knows what an honorable, wonderful man my husband is
4. I found out I could do anything intensely for a short period of time
5. I learned that we have a lot to learn about the political process
6. I learned that those years of being a good sport through basketball saw me through going BACK to convention this morning for the prayer breakfast and talking to everyone with a genuine smile on my face
7. I learned that the most important thing is to go for your dream - shoot high - and don't ever give up
8. I found out that Governor Hoeven is a REALLY great guy - along with all the other wonderful people this weekend
9. I learned that there is honor in just showing up
10. I learned that you CAN be with friends with those whom others think are your enemies ("Why is Stenehjem sitting at Steve's booth?")
11. My husband is energized about life
12. I'm excited to see what the future brings, fulling trusting in the Divine Order of Things
13. That I am blessed with so many amazing friends
14. That Erik is interested in politics
15. That this campaign is over (hey - I'm not going to start lying now!)
16. That I can SLEEP now

close, but no...

Nomination. Steve gave the best speech of the whole convention, he really did. Everyone said so. I know he was nervous, being the dark horse, but hey, if you don't give your dreams their best shot, you don't have anything. I'm so proud of him - Bob Stenehjem, one of the other candidates, would be seen most times sitting at OUR booth, with Steve, chatting away like old friends. That's the kind of guy Steve is. I'm so proud of him.

It's just so hard to see someone you love NOT get their dream, but again, I'm reminded that I SAID I believe that everything happens for a reason, and if not this, then it's because there's something else planned that's in our Highest Good. And I HAVE to believe that, or everything I stand for and work for is a lie. So, here I am, feeling like I want to cry, but knowing that we did absolutely ALL that we could've done to win this race. So we can't see the broader picture. Okay, I believe that, and am putting myself in the hands of my Higher Ups - okay, guys - the ball's in YOUR court now - what will you do with it?

Thanks to all of our friends who supported us: Missy Pooh, for showing up to hold our hands and "smooth our auras" Erik for being a sweet delegate (sorry your hands got sore lugging in those huge boxes of t-shirts and pens), Tommy for manning the booth and handing out kisses (the chocolate kind), and Diane for closing up the hospitality room. And all of you who sent supportive e-mails - thank you thank you thank you.

The sky is overcast and there's a distinct wind blowing from the northwest. I'm sipping my decaf skinny honey latte, wondering what it is I'm supposed to do now. Breathe a little, I think. Tomorrow's another day (didn't somebody say that in a movie once? Like Scarlett O'Hara???). But, well, tomorrow IS another day, and we'll be opening a whole other chapter in our lives, as yet unwritten. Now THAT'S exciting!

C Day is here

Convention Day. It starts today, with mostly setup for us - the popcorn machine, posters, banners, cards, pens, t-shirts, flowers, tablecloths - you know. Party stuff. I haven't been sleeping well for the last few nights, anxious about the weekend, I'm sure. I wrote my second speech last night, and although it was funny, I still think it was good. I read it to Steve and asked him if it was okay that I proved his financial responsibility with questioning my shoe purchases, and he said, "Who cares what anyone thinks, Susie? I just want you to be yourself." What a guy - here I am, dressing up in my black dress and Jackie O. pearls and sensible shoes to appear as "normal" as possible, yet he still encourages me to just be myself. Is that all right? Demons from my past drift forward - those doubts that whisper, "You're too much - you're too odd, too eccentric, too bohemian - just be normal. Say normal things, do normal things, act like a normal human being." Then I realize - what the heck? None of us are normal - what does "normal" mean, anyway? Boring, most likely - fitting within a VERY narrow range of behavior, determined by middle of the road behavior, set by middle of the road people or tests (are there tests for normalcy?)

So although I'm still wearing my sensible (but beautiful) black dress, I'm wearing my bright yellow suede heels with the puff balls on them, and my beautiful glass necklace with gold and rainbow flecks in it. I'll be 6'4" - I don't care. We're going out there to have fun. We have no idea what's going to happen, we just know we each gave it our best shot. I will rest, however, after this is done. Returning to teaching Sunday School, seeing clients, teaching God and Me at Boy Scouts, and going to visit Mom and Dad. On second thought, I guess it's not taking a rest at all - just taking a rest from the campaigning. Do I like politics? I don't like some of the deceit I've been seeing - candidates lying, or being unethical. I always wanted to lash out (but didn't), and Steve kept saying, "We're running a clean campaign." But it was frustrating to see opponents lying - saying they supported something when it's in the record that they opposed it, seeing they using lists that they weren't supposed to be using, saying they were qualified when they weren't. Did we do that? Honestly, no. We looked at the facts, looked at Steve's history, and carefully spoke truths about Steve, not anything negative about anyone else. Will this honesty, will this new energy commitment pay off? Will it triumph over the good ol' boys network, business as usual, you scratch my back I'll scratch yours energy? We'll just have to see. At any rate, we can hold our heads high, knowing we ran this campaign with integrity, honor, and compassion.

Thanks to all of you who supported us through e-mails and phone calls (even contributions). We are blessed to have so many friends in this world. Look for me to return to a quasi-normal state in the near future (whatever normal means). I'm off to go for a LONG walk before starting last-minute errands and setups. Phew!

it's a miracle - I love my work

I promised Mom and Dad that I'd do readings for them. I don't know why - I just felt like it. I know they like to hear from me, so yesterday morning I sat down at my sweet computer and got started. I did Dad's first - I love my work. When I enter into that space, I feel like I'm giving the whole Universe a huge hug, or maybe like the whole Universe is giving ME a huge hug. Either way, it's good. I had to do some work, and didn't get to Mom's until later in the day. She'd had some bad news from the doctor, and was feeling kind of down. Mom is the brightest star, and her reading was equally spectacular. Again, I entered into that huge hug space. I think I'll just STAY there always - doesn't that sound like a good idea? Eternal hugs? Mmmmmmm...

Whenever I get stuck down here, whenever I feel at a standstill in my life, whenever I feel restless, I simply close my eyes and focus on my heart area. I take a few deep breaths and just concentrate on that area. It's so beautiful, our hearts - they hold such heavenly energy, supporting and loving and encouraging us. So when I pull all of my energies into my heart, I get centered, I see the broader picture, I have love for everyone, no matter what they've "done to me" down here on Earth. In my Heart Space, all is love, and everybody is love, even if it doesn't translate that way in the physical world.

I look at dear Steve, as he enters into the Convention. I wonder "down here" what the outcome will be. I try to look ahead and see the path, and one of the paths has Steve getting the nomination and moving forward confidently to a November victory. Another path has a huge surprise, a huge gift waiting for us, and it's not about the PSC race - it's something else. So what should I put my energies into? How do I work with manifesting for our Highest Good? Well, I've decided to do just that - leave it up to the Universe to help us with what's in our best interests. I keep sending love and light out for this convention, but I know in my heart that what's best for us will come about, so I rest easily knowing we're well taken care of. I DO believe that, just as I believe that the national election for President is divinely led to give us the absolute best for our country, and I will support whomever is elected, with my whole heart - I will pray for them and encourage and support them to do their best. Just as I do for my sweet Steve, and for my Kari, and my Erik, and my Jordan, and my Bill, and all of my friends and other family, and well, okay, on out to the whole Universe. My deepest wish is for all to be in this beautiful place of universe hugs - it's definitely my happy place.

the ol' college 10 (again)

Well, I can't quite seem to get off this subject, as the numbers continue to grow (so to speak). Now almost everyone I've spoken to has gained 10 pounds in the last month. Except me, now I've lost 5 of those 10, so hopefully we're moving through the whatever-it-was that was packing 'em on. Interesting to note that Karen Bishop's NEW energy alert talks extensively about it, so I'll post some of her alert here. You can read the whole thing by going to www.whatsuponplanetearth.com. I even sent Karen a contribution in thanks for all she's doing for us. Here's part of it:

Most recently, many of us are experiencing a substantial amount of weight gain all over our bodies. We can look in the mirror one day and be quite surprised to see the shocking image reflecting back as it may appear that we suddenly gained a huge amount of weight almost overnight! For some, we have never been this weight in our entire lives.

Here is what is occurring: When we are interacting with the denser energies of the old world, or with any energies that we do not resonate with, we begin to hold more light as a protection. We are thus holding in a resistive fashion, whether we are consciously aware of it or not. This creates a tightness and a flow can then not be created. Also, we have had to let go of so much of who we thought we were, or our lower vibrating density, that in order to remain “here” on this planet, we subconsciously think we need to create a heavier physical form to keep us “here.”

As we are carrying more light for the whole, we were thus “carrying more weight” than others. We knew we needed to “pull our own weight” by being in our integrity, by coming from our highest stance, and by being a purified version of who we really were (our own individual gifts and talents).

This extra weight then, was needed while we were interacting with the whole and influencing it through our presence alone. I frequently notice that when I visit my family in California, and am in the energies there if even for a week, I come home with a bigger belly. At lower levels, these interactions with the lower vibrations can cause stress (I’m not specifically referring to my family here…sorry mom), and this state creates a chemical change within us which can cause weight gain as well. All the same thing.

But now things have changed. We have been released from this role. Thus, our weight will begin to fall off the more we begin residing on the “other side.” Again, the more time we spend and the more connected we are to the old world, the more uncomfortable we will be. Trusting that we can let go of the old will allow the new to arrive.




So, there you go! Take what makes sense, or make your own sense out of things. I've been given this FABULOUS new meditation for tuning into your higher energies, establishing communication, then making it conscious, then bringing it into your body, then getting concrete recommendations. I've done it with several clients already and have seen amazing results. I'll keep you updated - I think I'm going to record it and have it available as a single meditation so I don't have to wait to get a whole bunch to make a completely new CD. We need the new information FAST, don't you think? And I'm all about speed when it comes to this energy integration process, aren't you?

Interesting to note, that besides really intense and kind of yucky dreams lately, I vacillate between sleeping deeply and not being able to get to sleep and then sleeping lightly. I also went for my daily walkies yesterday, and couldn't just walk - I had to run. Now, I am not a runner - my knees will tell you so, but there was something inside of me that had to run and run and run. It felt good, and I can't explain it, I just go with the flow.

Another interesting thing I've learned to do is sit quietly and just ask my BODY what it wants, and it recently kept insisting on more rest and Vitamin C (which I know helps moves toxins out faster). Now it just says it wants rest, so that's what I'm focusing on (amidst the convention planning and errands). Try it - you may be amazed at the information you get if you just tune in and go right to the source. Your body knows best, of that I'm assured. I went to the eye doctor today for my yearly exam, and my eyes were a touch more near-sighted. He said that just keeps happening as you get older. I asked him if there was anything to do to help, and he said Vitamin C, E, zinc and lutein. I already take the first three anyway, so I considered lutein, but when I asked my body, it emphatically said NO, not now, so that's what I'm doing (or not doing). It's funny how I tend to still jump when someone tells me something I should do, before stopping to see what my body thinks (or even what I think), so that's another new (and probably more cost-efficient) way of doing things, don't you think? It's a new way of being in my body, it's interdependence - my body can't do it without me, and I can't do it without my body, so why not defer to my body when it comes to things it needs instead of consistently insisting that I know best? I DON'T know best about my body - I usually tend to listen to the "experts" who say "now do this, don't do this - this is healthy, this is now bad." Maybe for some people, maybe for me, maybe not for me. I need to ask my body first, so that's what I'm doing. What a novel concept - doing what's right for you. I may be slow, but eventually I get it.

Wright... or wrong?

By now we've all heard about Obama's pastor, Pastor Wright, and his inflammatory sermons about America, white people and the world. I read his accusations, especially about America being run by rich white men. That upset Steve.

"Why?" I asked him, pausing a second, "it's true."

"No, it's not," he replied. I don't ever really "fight" with my sweet husband - he's just too darned cute, and we really agree on most things. Besides, it's not worth fighting, when you can just look it up.

"I think there's probably about 20% of all political offices held by women, and probably the same for top executive positions," I suggested.

"That's not true," he countered.

He's right - I probably should've said "19.8%" to make it sound like I had some REAL statistics.

I opened the discussion up to my brilliant 22 year old poli sci major daughter. She sent me the following e-mail (although we were sitting 2 feet from each other on the couch - ah the wonders of computer technology).

http://www.cawp.rutgers.edu/Facts.html#elective

Taken together Blacks, Latinos, and Asian-American minorities
today represent approximately 12 percent of U.S. Congress, the vast proportion of whom serving
in the lower House.3 (pg 4 of the document attached)

Women occupy approximately 16.1% of elected offices. Women, however, are more than half of the population in the United States

Women : 151,886,332
Men: 147,512,152 (as of July 1, 2006 from the US Census Bureau)
Total: 299,398,484

Women: 50.7%
Men: 49.3%

Blacks in the United States: 38,342,549 (or 12.9% of total)
Asians in the United States: 13,159,343 (or 4.4% of total)
Hispanic or Lations in the United States: 44,321,038 (or 14.8%)

Minorities = 32.1% of total US population, yet only have 12% elected representation in Congress

Aren't you glad my political science major is useful? That stats and methodology class is a life saver.

love you
roo

Now, we can't get the TOTAL picture of the statistics, seeing as the possibilities could be women who are also Black, who would then decrease the total percentage (you can't add the women stats with the non-white stats), but if you look at it, I'm pretty right on the mark. Even though there are MORE women then men, they only hold 12% of all political offices, well, you can read the rest. Very interesting. I asked my daughter why she thought this was, and she ventured that it was our culture. How is our culture then different from other cultures? Do we prize wealth and males and whiteness above all else? I suggested that we also value our movie stars and give their opinions lofty status, as well, which really doesn't make ANY good sense.

So, while we may not agree with everything Pastor Wright says, I still maintain that there rings some truth in his words, even if they ARE borne out of anger. I think if we react with the same amount of anger, we lose the chance for dialogue, which is what Obama's most recent speech was all about. There ARE race issues, and if we don't address them, then we just delay the inevitable. So I'm going to keep thinking about Wright's words, and have them make some sense to me.

Jesus Cake and Star Wars Monopoly

So there you have it - this year's Jesus Cake, complete with silver candies and red sprinkles. It was delicious, and once more we have a visible reminder of exactly what Jesus did for all of us those many years ago. What a tradition.

We played Star Wars Monopoly late Saturday evening. Erik was the hands-down master, leaving Bill and I in the dust by 9:30 to start the upstairs trek to Harry Potter and bed. Kari fell by 10:30, just in time to watch SNL, with Erik accumulating the vast majority of properties shortly after that to see Steve throw in the towel. He could've mortgaged all of his hotels, but decided just to concede. Along with freshly popped popcorn on our big tabletop industrial sized popper, we were good to go. In my mind, it's not necessarily about the holiday itself, but what that time off can represent to us. Several of my friends didn't even know it was Easter yesterday, and while that surprised me, simply because of the Cadbury egg commercials ever 5 minutes, but just because it's so ingrained in our country, these Christian holidays. And again, for me this year, it WAS about remembering Jesus, even just historically and physically, and what he said and did that was so great, but also the huge sacrifice he made because he loved ALL of us so much (not just a certain select few).

So I cooked and ate - turkey with bunny bread, ham with scalloped potatoes, scrambled eggs, bacon and goopy rolls, and the best darned split pea soup ever concocted on the planet earth and beyond. Too much too much, as my great-grandmother Florence would say, but ALL so good. So now Steve's back at work, Erik's back to his apartment, Kari's getting ready to leave, and I go to work while Bill plays with friends. Business as usual? Maybe, but the undercurrent is definitely one of gratitude and warmth and family love. Again, warmest wishes for a fruitful spring season.

4 Things that Matter Most (and some other stuff)

Okay - I'll start with the other stuff, as it's really puzzling. Steve (and I) have been working our butts off with this campaign since January. We've contacted people, written e-mails, letters, postcards - gotten cards, driven all over the state, and on. Hundreds and hundreds of hours trying to get the word out. Then the Forum comes out with an article this morning stating that there are only TWO candidates for the PSC nomination. Oopsies - they forgot to mention Steve. When Steve called the reporter this morning, her exact words were, "Yeah - I forgot." That's it? She's a political reporter and she forgot one of the candidates for an important statewide election, one that has been in the papers for the past three months, with THREE candidates? Okay, I'm pissed. Really, I am - hard not to be. She's either purposefully leaving Steve out, or she's ignorant - either scenario is not acceptable journalism. So I sit here trying to figure out what to do with all of this. I don't need any more stress right now, but it seems as if we've been fighting on so many fronts. I wonder - is the fighting to strengthen our resolve, or is the opposition a sign that we shouldn't be doing this?

I know it can work either way. And my heart and gut tell me that this is a GOOD thing, and that Steve will be a great PSC, and North Dakota will be lucky to get his public service. And yet - this is so unfair and intense. So I tune in to this reporter's energy, and it looks like she just doesn't care about it. She doesn't see why it would make that much of a difference, and it doesn't matter that she left him off the line-up. It looks like she's smart, but also a little judgmental and narrow-minded. I don't know what else to do with that, except try to find compassion where it is sorely missing at the moment. I want to scream and swear and tell her, "Do you have any idea how hard we've worked, then you just negate Steve's efforts? How would YOU feel if someone did that to you?" but I don't think it would matter to her. I don't know - I'll keep you updated if I figure anything else out about it. This is admittedly a tough one, and if I can come to bat spiritually, I know I'll be a better person because of it. But right now, well, I'm still feeling really human, not so much spiritual.

On to sweeter things: a friend recommended the book "The Four Things that Matter Most" by Ira Byock. I started reading it. The premise is simple: in order to bring closure with those who are dying, or to improve your relationships with those loved ones who are living, you need to have a conversation that includes these four sentences:

I love you.
I'm sorry.
Please forgive me.
I forgive you.

11 words - he also adds "good-bye" for a total of 12 words. I didn't know if it could be that simple, but with what we're facing with Mom, I really took the time yesterday to think if I had any regrets, or anything I'd like to say to mom. I found two tough times. I thought about them - I looked at my side, at their sides (my parents), and at anyone else's side who was involved. The first situation someone doing something unkind to me when I was younger. I know Mom and Dad felt badly about it, and we'd talked about it a lot, but I'd never said what I was about to say to Mom. Out of respect for those involved, I haven't divulged the nature of the unkindness.

"Mom - I love you. I'm sorry about what happened when I was younger. I realize that I was partly to blame because I wanted attention, and I realize that I caused you and Dad heartache and pain. I'm sorry I upset you. Please forgive me. I forgive you."

I instantly started crying. Unbelievable - it happened 33 years ago, but there it was - but I'd said some things in a new way, and she was free to talk about it. Yes, she knows I love her, yes, she felt horrible about what happened, and for goodness sakes, she doesn't need to forgive me. I'd forgiven her a long time ago, because as a parent I know that we do the absolute best that we know how to do in the moment, and we can't keep beating ourselves up for the rest of our lives for things we wished we'd done differently. Then I moved onto the second thing.

At the end of my first marriage, I decided to not talk to my family for a while, to try to get things straight between my husband and me. That lasted almost 7 months, and I know it caused my whole family great pain, but I also knew that it was necessary, because I knew that if I broke off with them for a while, I could see clearly what the real truth was. The conversation with Mom went like this:

"Mom - I'm so sorry about those 7 months that we didn't talk. I know it caused you all great pain, and for that I am truly sorry. But I think it helped me walk peacefully toward my divorce, so even though the end result was good, I know it was hard for you. Please forgive me."

I didn't tell her I forgave her, because in that case she didn't do anything. I won't tell you what she said, because her words haunt me still. It didn't have anything to do with me, but DID have to do with my ex-husband. How do I feel now? Like I've said what needed to be said, even though I thought it was okay (and it really is), now it's for REAL okay, because I bucked up and just talked about those things, instead of assuming it was all okay. Now I can have peace knowing we talked about it honestly, and got it out in the open. I feel relieved. It's a really good exercise, and one that I'll probably do with my dad next. After I get over that last conversation with my mom. I love her so much - she's so open and willing to talk about anything, and I know she loves me, just because. What a rarity, what a gift. I am so blessed.

Thank you, Mom, for allowing me to have that conversation with you, about the 4 things that matter most. It was important - I'm proud of myself for having the courage to talk about those two things, and I'm proud of Mom for being willing to talk about them (again). Powerful stuff.

In case I don't get on to blog tomorrow (too busy cooking ham and scalloped potatoes), have a blessed Easter holidays. I'll post my picture of our annual Jesus cake. No matter your religion (or non-religion), spring is a time of renewal and fresh beginnings, a time of miracles seen through the first green poking up bravely through the white (we just had a mini-blizzard yesterday and today). So celebrate - whether it's buying a plant for your kitchen sill, or planting a few bulbs and saying thanks, or hugging your friend. Or eating a cookie - it's all very very good.

an imperfect 10

Not like the Bo Derek 10 (although her corn rows WERE smashin'), but like 10 as in pounds. They started creeping after Christmas, but understandable with those one daily cookies. Shame on me? Heck no - it's all good. It's just one cookie. But this past week, I noticed a 3 pound leap from Tuesday to Wednesday, and I hadn't eaten sugar for 2 weeks, and had cut my eating back to "normal." The biggest shock, however, comes this morning, as I ingested approximately 1400 calories yesterday, and GAINED a pound this morning. I'm not going to pretend that I understand this 10, but Steve said everyone at his work has mysteriously gained 10 pounds recently, as did Vicky in Minneapolis and all of HER friends. Several here in town have said the same thing. I might think that the campaign stress has done it - produced more cortisol or toxins, which then need more water to protect my organs, hence the fact that all of my clothes still fit perfectly, and I look the same in the mirror.

What is this monstrosity about? Karen Bishop from www.whatsuponplanetearth.com talked about it in her last energy alert. She put forth the idea that our bodies NEED the extra weight to house all of the new energies, but then I'm thinking, "Man, I must have a LOT of new energies to need this extra 10 pounds." You see - it's not as if I'm this skinny little pick that will float away on the slightest breeze. No, I'm a solid 6'1" Amazon that scares some short men (I don't mean to, really), so I don't especially appreciate the extra poundage. So I'm not going to weigh myself for a month, watch what I eat, drink plenty of water, get my walkies in, and get lots of sleep. Melissa doesn't ever weigh herself, and she's got the build of a teenager (in a good way), so maybe I can take some cues from her. It's just that my fat side whispers in my ear, "Yeah, good idea - don't weigh yourself - then you won't see those pounds creeping up on you," so I don't know what to do today. I'm competitive, and I like to see those numbers going down (sort of like Mark on The Biggest Loser), but Bill says I worry too much, that it's stress, Vicky says I should drink more water and breathe, and be sure I'm not taking on anyone else's energy, Steve says I look the same.

So I say I've gained 10 pounds, maybe it's just a temporary loan for some reason. Do I trust? Can I just let this go? Do I need to step back from the intense campaigning after the convention? Hopefully yes yes yes. This is just a touch too intense, this campaign manager stuff - just when I think it's done, something else comes up and Steve looks at me to do it. But I'm done now - the last postcards are addressed and stamped, the last e-mail ready to go out. The rest, as they say, is history. No more anxiety coursing through my veins (if you've ever felt this rush of chemicals, you know what I mean - not a pleasant feeling) as I go through my list of to-dos. Don't get me wrong - I want to help my husband, but it's this old crap of taking everything on, of thinking it has to be done MY way (although MY way HAS been working spectacularly on this campaign, along with Steve's visionining), of obsessing about things -over and over and over and... It may be a good time to change that pattern, let most of it go. I'm done, remember? The convention is all set to go. Except for ordering those 100 signs, and getting workers for Friday evening, and...

Just watch - on April 19th I'll weigh myself and report back here. You'll be the first to hear (yeah, like we even CARE that much, but still - it's important somehow in this universal scheme of things, isn't it? Maybe you've gained that 10, too, an am a little worried about it, too - now you know you're not alone). Does it matter at all? Yes and no. Probably right now a little more yes than no, if I'm to be totally honest. And that's what I always strive to be.

Wow - it's snowing. I just looked out Kari's window, and big beautiful flakes are falling heavily and fast. Beautiful. I know we hope for spring, and it's almost felt like summer these past few days, but there's just something about that snow... spring WILL come, but in the meantime, go outside and make a snowman and have one last snowball fight. I'm going to. "Hey, Bill..."

the ankle bone's connected to the shin bone...

Tammy's a godsend, coming to my house almost every Wednesday for the past year or so. She totally saved my life regarding my ears and hearing loss - she was the only one that could help that. So when I felt that huge bump behind my right ear yesterday, and felt my left ear "full" again, I know I needed her help. Here's the strange energy cycle as I experienced it this last time. I felt it all building up until about 3 weeks ago. I felt increasingly "squeezed," like people were pressing in on me. I was irritable and restless. I felt like I was just waiting for something. Then something popped, and I felt an instant release. That was 3 weeks ago. Then I felt instantly dizzy, my vision blurred, and my previously deep sleep (up until that three week mark) started becoming lighter, my dreams stranger and deeper. Then my whole upper torso twisted (seriously), and my hiatal hernia came back, which signals nausea and extreme heartburn. The whole upper left side of my back ached. Then THAT moved up into my shoulders and neck, as of last week or so. Nothing would help that soreness, front and back. Then it moved into my neck, so that even if I just turned my head I'd feel a shooting pain. Then onto the BACK of my head, where the prominent bump on the right was felt, sore to the touch. Then the tingling all over my head.

Now, at this point you may be saying, "Well, that's probably all just stress from the campaign and from all of your traveling. It's the change of seasons. It's flu season, that's the natural way that the muscle stress is felt - it travels." But I will respectfully disagree with all of those answers, seeing as how this cycle has been occurring with any degree of severity for the past 2 years. That's how come I've learned to become a little more confident and comfortable with it all, uncomfortable as it is. How come nobody's talking about this incredible recent energy shift? I wondered that, then I figured out that it was so powerful, many people who would be the ones normally talking about it (myself included) were enmeshed in simply getting through it. It's a little harder this time to step out of the experience and write about it, but I'm doing that today.

Hopefully what eventually happens is that you become accustomed to your body's unique way of integrating these new energies, and you can relax and enter into that state of openness that seems to make the whole process go more smoothly and be less difficult on your body. Think flood passing through your house. It's far better (and advised) to open up your doors and all your windows and simply allow the water to flow through unhindered. Otherwise, if you lock the doors and bar the windows the water will come anyway, but now it will crash through and destroy your home. I know that sounds a little harsh, but that's the picture I keep getting to explain the energy cycles. Again, I don't think it's imperative that you agree with my exact wording, but see if you are FEELING any of the things I talk about, then you can make your own sense out of it. Use whatever language you want - in the end, it's all the same, no matter the language.

I think the reason it seems as if everything's falling apart is because, well, it is. Anything old, anything that doesn't work, is dishonest or cruel or mean or hypocritical - all gone with a sweep of the hand. Go ahead and try to hold onto something that isn't supposed to be there. You'll only get tired, and in the end you'll still see that thing leaving your life. I don't know again, about YOU, but that's what I'm seeing. For example - our lives. We've been essentially doing the same things for the past 20 years, and now we stand poised for everything to change. We ask ourselves - will we move out of this house? Will we move out of this town? Will we move out of the state? Will Steve change jobs? Will I move more into writing, less out of teaching? I know I'll still see clients - that is my love, my passion. But there's a current underneath that's moving us somewhere. It's exciting, and a bit nerve-wracking. I think it's because my inner life is so rich and freeform that I rely on a constant structure in my outer life to bring me balance. When something comes up to challenge that status quo, everything inside of me is like "whoa nelly - lets' just slow this train down, shall we?" But it doesn't do any good. I think this whole process was supposed to go even faster. In fact, I think it WAS going faster, then most of us started really breaking down, freaking out, so the whole thing was s-l-o-w-e-d down to allow for an easier integration.

We are in new territory, doing new things, this integration of higher energies and cleaning out of the accumulated, dense energies that have been layering for millions of years in our physical bodies. But it's necessary, I know it is, otherwise our physical bodies couldn't house any lighter energies (I think of the Bible verse that says, "you can put new wine in old wineskins - the wineskins would burst", or something like that). So I go back to my basic instructions: trust, breathe, be open, be gentle, rest when you need to, and just keep going.

Oh - I was talking about Tammy. Wow. So, the title for today regards the current energy cycle. I ended up with the bump on the back of my head that moved around to both of my temples. She said my sphenoid bones were totally off-balance, the worst she'd ever seen them. The sphenoids are on your temples. I asked her if that could cause my nausea and she said definitely. So then I wonder if everyone else's "flu" symptoms are actually this energy manifesting as an imbalance in the sphenoids as well. There's no way to really tell, unless you have everyone get cranial sacral, and Tammy does tell me that a lot of people come in with the same complaints during the weeks. One week it's lower back pain, the next it's C3 problems (neck), and on. So I think there's a correlation. Does it really matter, in the long run? Not really, because it's all still going to just be continuing, but I think there's power in understanding. If I can understand what's going on, what's happening in my body, and WHY, then I can relax a little more, not worry that I've got cancer, or a tumor, or liver problems, or whatever you may think is associated with a current feeling you're having. It all changes, don't you see? One day it's your stomach, then it's your knees, then it's your neck, so you KNOW you're fine, physically - it's just the energetic things that are unfolding. And THAT you can deal with, right?

ch-ch-ch-changes

It's everywhere - this call to change. Whether it's the balancing of the inner and outer - what we say vs. what we do (see articles on New York's governor) to bringing to light that which was previously hidden (see articles on Obama's former pastor's thoughts). It seems as if everyone's up in arms about something - things aren't going right, we don't feel well (I'm STILL feeling queasy, achey and tired, and I never get sick), people are acting crazy, the stock market's puking. Is everything still all right, is all still well with the world? I answer yes, and here's why: if we are to create something new, something old HAS to come down. You can't keep building over the top of the old. Eventually the whole thing will crumble, especially if the old is out-of-date or broken. So what in our lives is broken or out-of-date? I can only speak for myself, and it seems like there's a LOT of old stuff out there. The way I think about my "enemy" or opponent is just one example.

I had the occasion to sit with a client and look at a difficult relationship she was in. Oddly enough, I'd had run-ins with this same person, so it was an interesting exercise for me to set aside my personal feelings and go to that neutral place where we're all connected, a place where I could drop my stories and convictions and resentments. And the great thing was - I felt fabulous being in that place. Which makes me think, why do I ever choose NOT to be in that unity place all of the time? I don't know the answer to that, other than to put forth the theory that we're programmed to be where we are, and it takes some time and practice to move ourselves permanently to another place, to another viewpoint. That's what I'm thinking, anyway. Change is crucial, but change can also be difficult, such as changing where we put our car keys. If it's an automatic thing that we throw them in the basket by the door, it may take a while to become conscious of the fact that now they're hanging on the nail. Automatic actions are necessary, but not for every aspect of our lives. Maybe it's time to look at the changes taking place within my own life, and see what I can become more conscious about. All while still leaving some things automatic. I don't want to have to take 2 hours to get dressed every morning, do you?